Ever since I first entered this world, they used to periodically measure my height by making me stand up against a wall and placing a ruler on my head. Later on, when I grew taller, they gave up this method of height measurement because placing a ruler on top of a tall person is demeaning both to the tall person as well as the ruler. Instead, a new measure of height was invented, namely, how much taller I was than my dad, through approximate visual inspection.
Now my dad knew for a fact that he was six feet tall. So consequently, I became six feet half an inch, then one inch and finally, six feet two, where I've been ever since. It has been a pleasure and a luxury to be six feet two because my exceptional height allows me to reach and grab things that even six feet one people cannot, as long as that thing is no more than an inch above where they can reach. Do the math, it is simple.
But then yesterday I went to the doctor and being doctors, they assume that they have the license to do all kinds of demeaning things to you and one of those was to put me against a wall and place a ruler on my head. I told the doctor, you know, you don't have to put me up against the wall and place a ruler on my head because I can tell you myself what my height is. But no, they wouldn't listen because apparently it is against the Hippocratic oath to trust your patients. And so they put and placed.
And surprise, surprise, I was only five feet ten inches and 3/4ths. What? How could this happen? Have I really been this short all my life?
And then I began to wonder whether my dad had padded on to his own height when he passed the mantle of six footer on to me. And then I wondered some more about whether he himself had been a victim of his own father's padding. And then, I went and wondered even more about how deep inside my family tree this web of deception went. Someone at the beginning of time, perhaps my great-great-great-grand ape must have thought to himself, fuck and goddamn, I am so short and people have been making fun of me all my life, but maybe I can help my son not go through all the hardships I myself had to endure. So may the sacred banana tree forgive me, but my son, he will be taller. And so it began, this line of fake giants, each one wandering around this world thinking he was taller than he actually was.
But it is time to end this deception now. Instead of being a seven footer and perhaps getting into his school's basketball team, my son will be his true height. He will have to be content with possessing the ability to wipe the top of the refrigerator and no more. Because in my opinion, what is more important than passing on the gift of height to your offspring is the gift of honesty.
7 comments:
That's a sad tale.
In other news, I remain 6'2" as confirmed by multiple authorities in the measuring industries.
you were never 6 feet tall. i have always been taller than you and i am maybe 6 feet 1 or even 6.
robroy : i would trust your measuring industry authorities for your height information just as much as I would trust ExxonMobil on second hand tobacco smoke research. Or Phillip Morris on global warming. Or ExxonMobil on global warming. Or Phillip Morris on tobacco smoke. Basically I wouldn't trust ExxonMobil or the tobacco companies on anything is what I'm saying. But coming back to your height.
zambezi : Yes zambezi, check with a ruler first before you make these claims.
Has it occured to you that you could have stopped growing when you reached 6'1", then reversed direction. In two years you could be even shorter, man. I would be worried,very worried.
Why should I be worried? They say the world is getting smaller too. so everything should stay relatively the same.
Well, from someone who's only 5 feet 8 inches and wanted to be the 6-footer in his college days (that ancient), I think you're doing quite good for yourself. Besides (and was that a great closing line or what) look at what you're passing on to your kid. Nice post G-man.
did you perhaps sport an Afro when you were younger?
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