Sub

Indian guy at Subway : I will have the foot-long veggie patty sub.

Indian guy behind Subway counter : Do you want bacon on it?

Und

I found myself in the mall yesterday and saw a sign in a store that said "flirty underwear for ladies". Somebody please tell me, what good is flirty underwear? If you're already wearing underwear in a guy's presence, there's a good chance that you two are well past the flirting stage. Flirty underwear makes as much sense as a birth control pill bearing instructions on what to do on a first date. Timing fail.

How can underwear be made flirty anyways? Flirting is a shy or coquettish way of showing sexual interest. The only way underwear can be made coquettish is by creating uncertainty about its prospective removal. Technically, it could be done by sewing a large symbolic lock into the fabric. Or imprinting a warning label specifying, "Under section 505(a)(2), penalty of removal to be 15 years of imprisonment or a $ 5000 fine." That would make it very flirty because the fact that you are in your underwear would convey your interest in hooking up, but the accompanying threat of federal incarceration would simultaneously convey your shyness.

I hadn't been to the mall in a while and it appears that while I was asleep, they made a few adjustments to contemporary male fashion. I was looking for pajamas and yes, I did make sure I was in the "men and boys who think they are men" section but nevertheless, I stumbled upon a number of items of sleepwear that have traditionally been observed adorning the female of the species rather than the male. Weird black slinky stuff. Stuff that looks like it would cling to your groin and inner thighs from static electricity and create a perpetual groping sensation. Also, I noticed quite a few garment samples suffering from a severe case of transparency. See-through pajamas for men? Dude, really?

Men do not like transparent fabric on their bodies. That is a fundamental difference between the male body and The Female Body. The Female Body has a massive ego and a tremendous God complex. The Female Body is always going, Me, Me, Me, yayyyy!! The Female Body believes that it is a sin for such a glorious Entity such as It to stay hidden from view but since you're so fucking unworthy to be laying your eyes on It, will agree to do so, but only with tremendous reluctance. And because secretly, It really really wishes to be seen and worshiped, It will deliberately create a number of viewing loopholes you can take advantage of such as necklines, hemlines, slits, slinks and semi-transparency.

Men have a totally opposite view of their bodies and clothing. If a man were to find himself wearing a transparent garment, his first thought would be, hmm, I am definitely wearing clothes, but I can still see my body. What the fuck gives? To men, clothes are a handy tool for destroying the idea of having a body. When a man wears clothes, his body ceases to exist in mind or matter and he can then move on to other pressing stuff. Men are still waiting for NASA to invent invisibility, but till then, we are okay with using clothes as a temporary alternative. In conclusion, slinky and semi-transparent clothing for men is an ill-conceived idea and it is ideas like these that have led to the current economic downturn.

That and the desire to own a home without having the ability to pay for it.

Deck Garden

Deck garden is ready. Here is deck garden. This year I win the deck garden competition against my neighbor. Clearly visible in the background are neighbour's two flowers. Last year, I got my ass kicked in the deck garden competition but this year I win. Champagne in everybody's hair.

Send me money. I am broke due to the deck garden competition.

Clown car

Sometimes it takes me a while to get American pop culture references. Today, in the parking lot, a colleague asked me, hey, how's your clown car doing. I said, what clown car? Are you calling me a clown? That's funny, he he. No, you aren't? Why clown car then? No, I don't know what a clown car is. Okay...go on. I see. Uhuh. So what you are saying is, when you asked me how my clown car was doing, you were, in fact, referring to the tiny car frequently featured in old-style American comedy flicks and cartoons that pulls up to the curb, followed by a heavy exodus of clowns from its interior, the sheer number of which, when compared to the disproportionately small size of the car, provides the humorous effect.

Oh okay, I get it now. I own a small car.

Alright then, I am glad we resolved this issue. Shall we go on inside now?

Being on the go

Goddamn my back hurts. I've had lower back problems ever since I began working out but something happened yesterday to make it hurt really bad. It all began when I was watching that AAMCO commercial on TV with this cool rockstar dude wearing a cowboy hat who was singing, "My life is crazy, I'm on the go, I can't stop and take it slow". And I said to myself, boy, I wish my life would be as fulfilling and jam-packed with crazy as this guy's, but I'm never on the go and I'm taking it awfully slow with my evening naps, baseball games, music and beer. I realized that if I wanted to be an asshole wearing a cowboy hat who sings to people how busy he is with all the important stuff he's currently involved in, my first order of business should be to stop taking it so fucking slow.

So yesterday evening, after coming home from work, I shifted into high gear. First, I cleared my driveway of all grass clippings that were a result of my weekend lawn mowing activities. Then, I watered my deck plants. Yeah man, I was on the freakin' go. After that, I vacuumed the first floor of my house and cleaned out my bird feeder. And finally, just as I was thinking my life couldn't get any crazier, I went out into my backyard and added fertilizer to my lawn. With weed killer!! I was certainly not taking it slow.

That's when my back gave out. It was puzzling because the cowboy's song hadn't mentioned anything about back ailments. And then I started thinking, you know, when he was talking about his life being crazy, he might not have been referring to vacuuming, watering or fertilizing. Perhaps it was something more interesting. Like going camping with his girlfriend in Alaska and killing a grizzly bear with his guitar. But I'm not sure I would be up to such craziness in my life. Also, I own an acoustic guitar that wouldn't kill a fly. I would probably cut myself with a guitar string and be the laughing stock of the entire animal kingdom.

So I went back to my comfortable sofa, baseball game and beer. I'm done with being on the go. Next time the commercial plays, I'll just change the channel. Or watch the Kingsford charcoal commercial with those lazy fuckers hanging out on the highway who advise you, screw that AAMCO guy, just "slow down and grill".

School

We did a lot of essay-writing in school during English language class, for which one of the items on the agenda was to pretend you were a tree or a dog or something non-human and write your autobiography. I remember the teachers instructing us clearly and repeatedly that an autobiography should never contain the statement "and then I died". This was because dead things are incapable of communicating their life story from beyond the grave. Apparently a tree or a dog writing its own autobiography was quite believable but a dead tree or a dog doing it? No fucking way. Just too unrealistic.

Some other stuff I learnt in this school :
1.> Eskimos prefer to live in an igloo rather than a brick house because bricks have tiny holes in them through which the cold wind can blow through whereas ice blocks do not.
2.> It was called the Underground Railroad because the slaves used to travel by subway (or, as it was known in the 1800s when it didn't actually exist, the underground railroad)

The deck

Mules and stuff

Some news stories are just so picture perfect, you thank your lucky stars that you had the privilege of bearing witness as they were reported. Here's one about a Georgia candidate for governor who admitted to having sex with a mule. His name? Neal Horsley. You couldn't ask for anything more. You could try, but you really shouldn't. Leave the powers that be in peace for a while.

Apparently, Mr. Horsley even justified his mule intimacy. “When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule,” he said, adding, “You experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually.” I'm guessing that whenever Neal showed up in town, everything would come to a screeching stop. Public alerts would be issued. "Nobody move, Motion Sensor Neal is on the prowl".

What's also funny is that Mr Horsley also made a statement saying that he would be willing to kill his son in the cause of overturning Roe vs Wade. But that's not ha ha funny, so we won't discuss it any further.