Rednecks and hillbillies

So Bill approached me at work today.

"Yo, K-Man", said Bill.

That's what Bill calls me. By the time I had developed a dislike for this nick, it was too late.

"Yo, K-Man. I'm going to this bluegrass festival in the Poconos this weekend. Wanna go?"

"Isn't that like a redneck thing?", I said. "Tell me the name of the town, so I know where to stay away from."

"Why?", said Bill. "You know, you should really go, you might like it."

"Nah man, I said. "Most of you might not have seen an Indian guy before. I am afraid I'll be hunted for my skin or something. Maybe captured and locked up in a cage for observation. Declared a new species and pickled in formaldehyde."

"And if you're lucky, that's all they'll do to you", said another colleague who happened to be passing by. He left, laughing at his own joke.

"You know what I realized", said Bill, "I think you're confusing rednecks with hillbillies."

"What's the difference?", I said.

"Rednecks are racist of their own volition", replied Bill. "Hillbillies are racist because they know no better."

"Ah, I see", I said. "So you rednecks are well-informed racists. You haven't taken the decision to be racist lightly. You've given it considerable thought, mulled it over. Weighed the pros and cons, done your research."

"Exactly", said Bill. "Whereas a hillbilly is born into racism. Kind of like how one is born into a religion. Rednecks, on the other hand, are the free-thinkers of racism."

"That's a great way to put it", I said. "Nobody's explained it to me in those terms before. But still, how does this affect me? Regardless of the nature of your racism, I'll still be in danger, right?"

"Rednecks are harmless", said Bill, "The nature of our racist tendency implies that we are capable of making a conscious effort not to harm you. Whereas hillbillies will come at you like a bear after honey. It's a primal urge."

"And you're saying there will be more rednecks at this gig than hillbillies?" I asked.

"Yes, very few hillbillies in Southeastern PA", said Bill." So will you go?"

"Doesn't bluegrass involve those tiny guitar-like things that sound like someone strumming on his pubes?"

"Yes", said Bill. "Banjos".

"Sorry, I like my guitar heavy", I said. "But have fun. You gonna take your livestock along with you?".

"That's hillbilly", said Bill. "I take dead flesh".

"Oops, gotcha".

Clown car

Sometimes it takes me a while to get American pop culture references. Today, in the parking lot, a colleague asked me, hey, how's your clown car doing. I said, what clown car? Are you calling me a clown? That's funny, he he. No, you aren't? Why clown car then? No, I don't know what a clown car is. Okay...go on. I see. Uhuh. So what you are saying is, when you asked me how my clown car was doing, you were, in fact, referring to the tiny car frequently featured in old-style American comedy flicks and cartoons that pulls up to the curb, followed by a heavy exodus of clowns from its interior, the sheer number of which, when compared to the disproportionately small size of the car, provides the humorous effect.

Oh okay, I get it now. I own a small car.

Alright then, I am glad we resolved this issue. Shall we go on inside now?

step ex lesb

Last weekend, my colleague had to drive four hours to his step-sister's daughter's birthday party which was being celebrated at his step-sister's ex-husband's house where he watched her ex-husband have a fight with his step-sister's lesbian ex-lover over the custody of the kid.

So quit complaining about your life.

Boot

I keep forgetting which word Americans don't understand, "boot" or "trunk" of a car. By the time I figure that out, the conversation has already ended. Due to this peculiar handicap of mine, I have been unable to participate in the last twenty or so boot or trunk related conversations I have been witness to. And the most vexing part is that I have a lot to contribute to this topic. I might not have a PhD in boot theory or trunk mechanics but I do know my automobile storage compartments.

Name

I hate introducing myself to Americans. I have a weird name, quite normal by Indian standards but weird by American standards.

Let's say my name is Amit which it is not but let's just say it is. The problem arises when I am introducing myself to someone and I shake their hand and say, "I'm Amit". Ten times out of eleven, the other guy responds with "How you doing Amamit?" They think the "I'm" is a part of my name. How could it not be? The rest of my name is weird so what the hell, the I'm doesn't add much weirdness to it. It's got to be a part of my name. It's all Chinese to them anyways.

Does this happen to anyone else? It's become quite irritating. I have come to loathe having to introduce myself to people. I have to prepare myself before every introduction. I tell myself to quit prefacing my name with "I'm" but sometimes, if my guard is down, someone will quickly take advantage by walking up to me and holding out their hand and because I am not mentally prepared and concentrating more on having a good strong handshake, I forget about not adding "I'm" and then the other guy says, "Hey how you doing, Amamit", and I reply, "No goddamnit I'm Amit you fucking jackass" and then the other guy says, "How you doing goddamnitamamityoufuckingjackass. By the way, you have a weird name." and then I go home and apply something cold to my head.

I really love my refrigerator.