Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Presidential Address

My facial muscles are gradually uncringing themselves. They suffered severe trauma through the past 8 years from watching Ex-President Dufus try to speak in public. Some doctors said the damage was permanent and that I would not be able to appear in photographs any more. Some said to try cheek yoga. Others suggested nuzzling an elephant. Nothing seemed to work. And a baby elephant in the Philadelphia zoo will probably turn into a man-eater when he grows up.

But after watching yesterday's presidential address, I could feel my muscles beginning to relax. They are still a long ways off from assuming a normal expression, though. For now, everybody needs to stop getting offended. I'm not cringing at you. I have just forgotten how it feels not to be disgusted.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Shorter Oscar Awards Message

"Please go see Slumdog Millionaire. It is an awesome movie on India. India is a country in Asia. Don't worry, it was produced by a Brit so you will understand what the actors are saying."

Disclaimer : I have not seen the movie. I did, however, watch the Oscar Awards.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Individual Climate Control

People who purchase cars with individual climate control should just stay single. I mean, if you cannot even agree on what temperature to maintain your car cabin at, your marriage is already doomed. How the heck are you gonna decide on anything, ever? When you adopt a pet, are you gonna get a vertically split half pitbull half chihuahua? Teach your kid to play piano with one hand and strum the guitar with another? And what about those romantic moments? If you're drinking out of the same glass with two straws, will one of you insist on drinking coke from your side of the glass and the other a milkshake?

Does this thing even work? When hot air mixes with cold air, it turns into lukewarm air. Trying to have hot air and cold air in a single confined micro space is physically impossible. As impossible as having hot water and cold water in the same bathtub.

It is simple, really. You're the husband, you lose the fucking jacket because you get hot easily. You're the wife, you put on a fucking jacket because you get cold easily. That is what marriage is about, people, it is about compromise. Maybe if you followed this advice, it would save you a shitload of money on alimony payments. And save some for your mortgage payments. Perhaps bring the economy out of the shitter so that the rest of us can live our lives in peace.


The McNuggetini

A McDonald’s chocolate milkshake with vanilla vodka, rimmed with BBQ sauce and garnished with a chicken McNugget. (via (via)).

I call it McWhatTheFc.

PS : How about the Disgustini?

Any more ideas?

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Cock and Balls

I have a colleague who likes to say "cock and balls". He regularly uses this phrase as a substitute for the word "nonsense". Each time he says it, I have a vision of him scooping up somebody's cock and balls in his hand, kind of like how a good Indian housewife scoops up a lamp for the purpose of gratefully celebrating the awesomeness of her husband with it.

He is also a fan of dropping into my cubicle every f-fucking-ive minutes and just going on and on about shit. He sits in the next cubicle so due to his repeated invasions, I think I have developed this seventh sense on when he's gonna do it next. My sixth sense is actually my paranormal ability to turn on any television channel that is playing Seinfeld at any given instant. So anyways, due to the power of this seventh sense, never, not even once, has he caught me surfing the internet. I think I'm gonna use this sense for other non-office related activities, for example, when I'm in the Chandrapur jungle and a tiger's about to pounce on me from behind because I devoured the goat originally left as its bait, I can take appropriate evasive measures because I knew he would be coming.

This same colleague that I was referring to, had, in the past, developed this highly irritating habit. Whenever I was confronted with a problem of any sort, his advice to me would be "You know what we need in our software? A (problem) button." For example, if I was looking for my stapler, he would say to me, "You know what we need in our software? A "Find the Stapler" button."

Now he has moved on to a different approach. His latest solution to any problem is for me to go to www.(problem).com. So he will now say, "You know what you should do, you should log on to". Oh he is a riot.

So anyways, like I was saying, this guy likes to say "cock and balls" a lot. That's all I really wanted to say.

Tripe and tendon

I tried the Vietnamese beef tripe and tendon noodle soup. Contrary to what I was hoping, tripe and tendon weren't code words for "tenderest cut of filet mignon" and "most succulent and juicy ribeye steak". They actually stood for tripe and tendon respectively. Tripe is apparently cow stomach, which would be okay if you needed a stomach transplant and by a happy coincidence, happened to be in a Vietnamese restaurant. And also happened to be a cow. Tripe was fairly disgusting. Tripe had the texture of a chopped up and sauted bicycle tire tube. It was also bereft of taste. Tripe was the stuff you usually find, pick and throw out of whatever meat-based dish you are eating. So bye bye tripe, it was nice seeing you and have a great life.

Tendon was better. Tendon, which is the connective tissue between bone and muscle and sounds as disgusting as tripe, is actually quite tasty. It is collagen which turns into a melt-in-your-mouth gelatinous mass when slow-cooked and can be tolerated without much difficulty.

Anyways, the point of this exercize was to get to know tripe and tendon and explore the possibility of a long term relationship with these two folks. But as I mentioned, tripe and I turned out to be on totally different wavelengths. Tendon and I, well, we might have something going on. There was definitely some sexual chemistry happening in that bowl. We'll just have to wait and see.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


"Smokers should quit. If they can't, they should learn to be sexy smokers."

Best smoking post ever.

13 inch TV

Colleague1 : That guy who just passed us. He had a head like a 13 inch TV.

gawker : Where?

Colleague1 : There, that guy in the Hyundai.

Colleague2, still trying to process Colleague1's initial statement : What? Why did you compare his head to a 13 inch TV?

Colleague1 : He had a huge head. I couldn't see his neck.

Colleague2 : But why a 13 inch TV? Who compares a head to a TV? Why not say he had a head like a basketball?

Colleague1 : He had a square head, like a TV.

Colleague2 : You could have said he had a large head. Christ, John.

Colleague1 : Look, I didn't want to send any homosexual overtones. You know what they say about guys with large heads.

Colleague2 : What....that they have big remotes?

Colleague1 : Forget it. Anyways, I made gawker laugh. That's something.

gawker : Actually, I am quite easily amused.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Stupid Shuffle

Here is something stupid people do in nightclubs. I seen it with my very own two eyes. The night is moving along nicely and the beautiful people are busy laying the groundwork for a possible crotch-to-buttock application scenario and then suddenly, there is a lull in the music and the DJ puts on this song they call the "Cupid Shuffle". And what happens? The Stupid takes over. Takes over everybody. Don't matter if you're a salesgirl from Macys or a professor of advanced thermodynamics from Princeton with tenure. When the song comes on, if at that moment you find yourself on the dance floor, you are obligated to and will have to perform the Cupid Shuffle. It begins with everybody filing into a military type formation in multiple rows. At this point it would be wise to steal a quick glance at the person beside you in order to gauge the degrees of freedom you will be afforded during the shuffle. And then the shuffle begins.

The song consists of a series of instructions to the audience on how and where to position their bodies for the next few minutes. It goes like this :

“To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right”. Here, Mr Cupid expects you to slide your body to the right. You can do the bare minimum, as in just walk over to the right. Or if you are a humongous fan of the song, you could perform some kind of elaborate hand-leg routine while doing it.

Next, the song goes :

“To the left, to the left, to the left, to the left”. Now you have to go walk to the left. If you hate walking, too late, pal.

“Now kick, now kick, now kick, now kick”. Here it is mandated that you kick your feet in front you, making sure you only kick one foot at a time. You may laugh now but when you are in that room, the stupid can get to you.

“Now walk it by yourself, now walk it by yourself”. This is probably the most difficult move in the song because you are being asked to walk it by yourself while being in the midst of a human limb porridge. But don't lose heart, just do your best. Think of yourself as being in a vast meadow with no one in sight and just the blue sky reaching out to the horizon. As far as you are concerned, you are now walking it by yourself. By the way, don't you wish you were actually in that meadow instead of in this shithole, walking left and right and kicking at stuff?

Now granted, I have no first hand experience of how it feels to do the Cupid Shuffle, having contented myself with watching other people doing it (kind of a common theme of my life), but regardless, I still have a really hard time trying to fathom the source of pleasure these people experience while doing the shuffle. Or is it that Americans will obey any set of asinine instructions as long as they have been delivered in rap form? Case in point, even in today's dire economy with the banks tumbling and the jobs disappearing and stock market crashing, if a rapper asks us to wave our hands in the air as if we just don't care, will we tell him to kindly fuck off? No, we will stop caring and start waving. Why? Because he's got the full authority of a beat behind him. And if you don't, well, as a wise lady once said, "the Rhythm's gonna get you."


Out in the parking lot, I unlocked my car but tried to open the door of a different car. It's because I am currently driving a rental. I wonder if this kind of thing also happens to newly married people.

Disturbing search engine query of the day

Somebody came here searching for "teabagging the corpse".

Even more disturbing, he / she stayed on for 5 minutes.

I think I'm gonna go hide all my corpses.


Fuckit I'm on twitter.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


I just purchased my first stock. It has already gone up by 0.3 points. I am now officially "dabbling in the stock market". I am an investor. I shall attend board meetings and clap like a maniac as Michael Douglas preaches the virtues of being greedy. I will also have live streaming quotes on my computer and install a second monitor on my desk. I shall use this one for doing work. Soon I will be rich, at least, till somebody flies something into something else or a large number of somebodies buy a large number of somethings they can't afford and then have to pay for them.

But that time is not today. Today we shall feast on the finest foods and wine, the best that, let's see, a 100 dollars can buy. No wait, 90 dollars. Actually, it's 80 now. You know what, let's just postpone this celebration for later.

Google auto-suggest for Indians

Monday, February 09, 2009

Link of the day

If, like me, you are prone to frequent bouts of depression due to the existence of religion and its horrible all-pervasive stench that clings to everything that accidentally ventures into its sphere of crapulence, then here is a link for you that will remind you that religion is also the reason why we laugh at all in the first place. It is the fine folks at the Hindu Janajagruti Samiti (which appears to be an organization that thinks of itself as a global complaint desk for Hindus), registering their disapproval of the movie Slumdog millionaire. Not to worry, you do not need to have seen the movie (I haven't) in order to fully enjoy this web-based manifestation of their disapproval. By the way, this link is being brought to you via this blog which is also the Exceptional Blog Find of the Day. (via).

In case you are gainfully employed or an employee of the Hindu Janajagruti Samiti, I will quickly lay out for you the more humorous portions of said disapproval.

1.> Quoted from site : "The film shows that Hindus attacks Muslim area shouting 'They're Muslims, get them'. Jamal's mother was killed by a Hindu after she was hit by a rod on the head. Jamal and his brother Salim ran away after seeing their mother killed. While running they reach a street in which they see a child dressed like Lord Rama. Jamal watches him carefully and sees a bow in his right hand and thinking that he will be killed by the person dressed as Lord Ram, he goes by a different route."

Complaint : This child is guilty of looking "horrible" and has "skeptical facial expressions" that are "denigrating to the religious sentiments of Hindus".

2.> The film shows Hindus killing and burning Muslims.

Complaint : This gives the message that Hindus kill Muslims now and then by attacking in mobs. As we all know, this has never happened in the entire history of Hindu-Muslim violence.

3.> In this film Jamal, a Muslim boy shows kindness to a Hindu girl.

Complaint : Apparently, someone who is vaguely described as "The News", is a confident proponent of the theory that Muslim boys are exclusively in the habit of getting paid to lure Hindu girls and not a single Muslim boy has ever existed, who has shown kindness to a Hindu girl.

4.> The blind beggar character in the movie is a Hindu.

Complaint : Why inflict blindness specifically on a Hindu? Also, why is that Muslim over there shown to have good teeth? And this other Hindu shown to have a bad taste in clothes? And that Muslim to have a pretty smile? And this Hindu to be balding? It's all a giant conspiracy.

5.> The child dressed like Lord Rama is giving blessings with his left hand.

Complaint : Gods never give blessings with their left hands. The reason behind that is Hindu Gods, like Hindu mortals, wash their hindquarters with their left hand and therefore, to give blessings with the same hand would be impolite in the Divine Rulebook of Etiquette. Implying that a Hindu God would show such impropriety as to give blessings with his left hand, especially Lord Rama, who we already know was so well-mannered as to throw his own wife to the dogs at society's behest, would be blasphemy.

By the way, the Hindu Janajagruti website is chock-full of such stuff so I recommend you go peruse it at leisure. For example, this page, where somebody with an old woman / dead poet fetish complains about the painter M F Husain drawing the Hindu Goddesses Laxmi, Saraswati and Durga naked while drawing mother Teresa, mother Husain and the poets Ghalib and Faiz fully clothed.

(Above : Obelix the Gaul and Dogmatix the canine, casting aspersions on the mental acuity of the folks at the Hindu Janajagruti Samiti)

Thursday, February 05, 2009


Apparently Bill Gates unleashed a swarm of biting mosquitoes at a technology conference, in order to create awareness about the deadly nature of malaria in third world countries.

This gives me a great idea on how to spread AIDS awareness in the next technology conference. Why yes, it does involve a swarm of prostitutes armed with used hypodermic needles.

Also, just to clarify, I consider the perpetuation of "Bill Gates released more bugs into the world" or "the conference being abuzz" jokes to be beneath the dignity of this office.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009


The Times of India :

"In a string of tragedies where ironically those hailing from AP met a violent end in the US in the last 15 months, software engineer N Akshay Vishal working with fraud-hit Satyam Computers was shot dead by unidentified assailants in Arkansas on January 13 last."

I don't understand. What's the irony here? Do you ever get the feeling nowadays that people are using "irony" for just about anything they can't remember the correct word for?