Mules and stuff

Some news stories are just so picture perfect, you thank your lucky stars that you had the privilege of bearing witness as they were reported. Here's one about a Georgia candidate for governor who admitted to having sex with a mule. His name? Neal Horsley. You couldn't ask for anything more. You could try, but you really shouldn't. Leave the powers that be in peace for a while.

Apparently, Mr. Horsley even justified his mule intimacy. “When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule,” he said, adding, “You experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually.” I'm guessing that whenever Neal showed up in town, everything would come to a screeching stop. Public alerts would be issued. "Nobody move, Motion Sensor Neal is on the prowl".

What's also funny is that Mr Horsley also made a statement saying that he would be willing to kill his son in the cause of overturning Roe vs Wade. But that's not ha ha funny, so we won't discuss it any further.

Pakistan

A simple way to make Pakistan a democracy would be to make the Army Chief an elected official and the President a chihuahua (or any other non-threatening dog).

Presidential Address

My facial muscles are gradually uncringing themselves. They suffered severe trauma through the past 8 years from watching Ex-President Dufus try to speak in public. Some doctors said the damage was permanent and that I would not be able to appear in photographs any more. Some said to try cheek yoga. Others suggested nuzzling an elephant. Nothing seemed to work. And a baby elephant in the Philadelphia zoo will probably turn into a man-eater when he grows up.

But after watching yesterday's presidential address, I could feel my muscles beginning to relax. They are still a long ways off from assuming a normal expression, though. For now, everybody needs to stop getting offended. I'm not cringing at you. I have just forgotten how it feels not to be disgusted.

High

I don't know how long this high is gonna last but it feels good. Damn good. I feel my stress lowering to pre-George Bush levels.

I also think it is now time for the Philadelphia Eagles to do something.

California

What is up with you California? I thought you had more brains than this. Have you been hanging around the wrong kids again?

Be gone

You might think I am overdoing it, but I am deadly serious. I never ever want to see Sarah Palin again. Not on tv. Not on the internet as a picture or a smileyface. Not even in the sky as a cloud resembling her bangs. I do not want her name to be uttered in anecdote or joke form, at least while I am in the vicinity. If you wish to refer to her aloud in conversation, you would do well to code it in a manner such that I fail to interpret it to be her name. Using piglatin, spelling it out incorrectly or using sign language is highly recommended. I want each and every pair of Sarah Palin eyeglasses in each and every novelty store destroyed and the store disinfected with heavy duty bleach. I want you to start using the letter "g" at the end of every progressive verb and stop winking into the camera, were you to find yourself in such a situation. When I type in "Sarah Palin" into Google, I want to see zero search results and Google to ask me, "Did you mean Saree Wearing". Towards that end, this post has been programmed to self-destruct in 3...2.....1.

*gone*

Al Franken update

Al Franken is a mere 2,000 votes behind with 90% votes counted. It's still a race.

The Onion

...did not waste a minute.

Continued

Al Franken is still in the race. With 80% reporting, he is only 5000 votes behind. I hope he wins. I am really rooting for him. Both these blogs probably owe their existence to Al Franken. And that's not just the vodka talking.

It's a beautiful day

I deleted this post. It didn't sound right. If you're quick, it might still be in the feed somewhere. Stupid vodka.

Viva La Revolucion.

Election Night

7:47 : So to recap what's been happening till now, McCain has swallowed up Kentucky. Vermont, sweet sweet Vermont has acquiesced to being tenderly spooned by Obama. Obama supporters are gathering in Chicago in anticipation of the giant cataclysmic orgasm that he has promised them tonight. On CNN, Wolf Blitzer already shuddered to a satisfying climax when the brand new CNN gadget allowed a field reporter to be holographically beamed into the studio.

McCain is leading in Indiana 51 to 48 but the blue areas of the state haven't been counted yet. Obama is leading massively in Florida 58 to 42 with 11% counted.

7:57 : South Carolina goes to McCain.

7:59 : New England (except New Hampshire and Rhode Island), Illinois, New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland and DC have been called for Obama. Oklahoma and Tennessee go to McCain.

8:07 : Obama is killing in Orlando, FL. I guess Donald Duck hates America.

I hadn't planned on live blogging tonight but there is little else to do during Wolf Blitzer's bathroom breaks.

8:10 : Obama is leading 60% to 40% in North Carolina with 4% counted. These numbers don't mean shit. But I just saw them on tv.

8:18 : Florida is closing up with 30% counted. Obama leads 53 to 47.

8:20 : Eh? Apparently ABC, NBC and MSNBC have already called Pennsylvania for Obama. Does this mean I won't get drunk tonight?

8:24 : Philly mayor Nutter is leaning out of his car moonroof, saying tonight is historic. PA really appears to be decided for Obama.

8:29 : My old hood, lovely New Hampshire has been called for Obama. Sen. McCain has reportedly opened his first bottle of Xanax.

Call this a hunch but I think this is going to be a landslide. But don't quote me on that.

8:37 : Obama maintains lead in Florida and North Carolina. CNN is calling Pennsylvania for Obama now. I am proud of my state. Chicago is beginning to smell blood.

8:43 : They are showing McCain headquarters. Some old guy just began to sing on stage. He doesn't look familiar. Must be one of them country music boys.

8:46 : McCain's senior campaign advisor just gave what appeared to be a concession speech on NBC.

8:49 : Obama is still ahead in Florida 52 to 48. I failed to note how much had been counted. I would have made a horrible reporter.

8:53 : I don't know if this means anything to ya'll but Republican Elizabeth Dole has been defeated in her race for the North Carolina senatorial seat. The reason this is significant is because Dole ran a campaign accusing her opponent, Democrat Kay Hagan of being "Godless" and hobnobbing with "atheists". And she lost. In North Carolina.

8:56 : The Republican campaign manager in Delaware county, PA is refusing to believe PA is lost for McCain. He wishes to wait for more numbers to come in. I applaud his optimism and wish him a safe ride to his home, where he is no doubt expecting to find a beautiful woman waiting for him in bed who will turn out to be a heiress to a billion dollar fortune, none of which was invested in Wall Street.

9:01 : CNN calls New York, Minnesota, Wisconsin and Rhode Island for Obama.

9:03 : Obama leads McCain 174 to 49. 270 Gives you the presidency.

9:05 : Obama supporters gathered in Chicago have now begun to shed various articles of attire and dance in a sensual suggestive manner in preparation for the massive orgy of hedonistic celebration that is expected to commence in a few hours.

9:08 : Arkansas goes to McCain. No word yet on whether McCain has accepted it.

9:10 : Alabama walks over and joins Arkansas on the McCain side. Sen. McCain pretends not to notice. It's about time, he grumbles under his breath.

9:12 : Georgia goes to McCain. Indiana has remained steady with McCain leading Obama 52 to 48 with 60% counted. Not sure if Indy and Gary votes have been accounted for yet. Florida looks like it is going to Obama with 50% counted already. If Florida goes to Barack, the night is over.

9:18 : New Hampshire gets a democratic governor. So does Nevada.

9:21 : Don't know how I missed Michigan. Okay let's do this again. Michigan goes for Obama.

9:22 : Obama is leading majorly in Ohio. Also in Antarctica. And the planet Zocon.

9:24 : Over at McCain headquarters, Hank Williams is singing a song without a melody. Wolf Blitzer just walked off claiming to have a major projection for us when we return after the break. This could be it.

9:27 : McCain's campaign advisor is blaming everything on the Republican party. And you can too. Go ahead, compile a list of all your recent transgressions and blame them all on the GOP.

9:33 : Ohio goes to Obama. It is over. America will have its first black President ever. This blog is now calling the election for President-Elect Barack Obama.

9:35 : Virginia is closing up 50 to 50. I guess Fake Virginia votes are now coming in. This is gonna be a washout.

9:40 : CNN's John King is now picking random states, trying to find a way for McCain to still win this election. Don't bother, John.

9:42 : John King admitted defeat. He could only muster up 259 electoral votes. He then exhorted people on the West Coast to go out there and vote vote vote *cough* for McCain *cough* so as to keep this circus going till the crack of dawn.

9:46 : I am going to Fox News with a cup in which I shall gather Brit Hume's tears.

9:52 : New Mexico. Obama. Muchas gracias amigos.

Dinner Break. Back in 10.

10:20 : Iowa Obama. Texas McCain.

10:22 : Democrat Al Franken is leading Republican Norm Coleman 44 to 39 in Minnesota for the senatorial seat. The reason for my interest in this particular race is because Al Franken is the guy who first piqued my interest in US politics through his excellent book "Lies and the Lying Liars who tell them". It's a really great funny book. I'm not lying. I hope he wins.

10:29 : Turns out white people like Obama. Perhaps they like me too.

10:32 : Obama is still leading in Florida with 72% counted. I think once he is done with being president he could move down there and rule as an Afro-Jewish warlord.

10:39 : Things have quieted down a bit in the CNN newsroom, allowing John King some leisure time to play with his high-tech gizmos. Campbell Brown looks on approvingly.

10:42 : Karl Rove's flesh folds are on Fox News right now. Not sure what they are saying.

10:58 :Virginia goes to Obama. This is historic. This is huge.

10:59 : CNN projects President Barack Obama.

Good job people. You deserve it.

And by you, I mean John McCain and Sarah Palin.

Time now to go and gloat on the right wing blogs.

Over and out.

11:25 : Alright I am back.

11:26 : McCain is giving his concession speech. Says, "I don't know what I could have done to run a better campaign." Hmm...let me count the number of ways....

11:27 : Is it me or is Cindy McCain totally color blind?

11:28 : Bye bye Sarah Palin. You were a nice little footnote in American history. A great diversion, thankfully short-lived. Hopefully we will never hear from you ever again.

Four years ago, as I was watching the proceedings of the 2004 Democratic convention, this skinny black guy no one knew walked up to the podium and delivered the keynote address. I did not know who this guy was but boy, did he grab me with his words, style and demeanour. The moment his speech ended, I turned to my wife and said to her, "Listen to me wife and listen to me good for what I say to you is the truth and nothing but. This man is going to be the next president of the US". True story.

11:47 : McCain was gracious in his concession. But it didn't fly with me. Hopefully Obama is a better man than I am. Now we are waiting for Obama to speak.

11:51 : Throngs of people have gathered outside the White House. Perhaps many of them are under the impression that Barack will be moving in today itself. Someone in the White House is feeling mighty unloved.

11:57 : President-Elect Barack Obama is on stage. We are officially in the future.

12:08 : Obama : "I will listen to you, especially when we disagree."

And so it begins.

What will it be?

Viva La Revolucion or Viva Viagra?

If we are lucky, we will know in 5 hours.

Do not vote

I have never really grasped this popular concept that the act of "voting" is noble in itself. Come election season, people keep telling each other to go out there and vote, no matter who they vote for. In fact, I just saw Obama do that. He went on the tv and asked viewers to make sure that they vote tomorrow, even if it was for McCain. Why would Obama say that? How would somebody voting for McCain be good for Obama? When he is out campaigning, Obama asks people to vote for him. But those are just his supporters. Shouldn't he also reach out to the other side of the aisle and tell McCain supporters that it would be best if they just stayed home?

The fact is, voting is highly overrated. Voting has been put up on a pedestal. Everybody runs around saying voting is good for democracy. I say fuck democracy, voting is only good if it is serving the country and its people. And the country and its people would be best served if only those who were about to vote for the better candidate did so while everybody else stayed home and played monopoly. Just like cholesterol, there is good voting and bad voting. The purpose of voting is to elect the better candidate. If everybody voted, including supporters of the crappy candidate, how would that be beneficial for the country?

Saying that everybody voting in an election is good for the country is like having two guys in a toilet, one taking dumps at regular intervals, the other flushing away the mess and telling both of them they are doing a wonderful job and to keep at it because it is this combination of shitting and flushing that is keeping the democracy of the toilet in a state of vibrancy. But really, let's be honest here, the shitter's not helping at all. He's just an impediment to the general hygiene of the toilet. In fact, it would be better for everybody concerned if the shitter were to quit shitting so that the flusher could be of any benefit to society by returning the toilet to its state of turdless equilibrium.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that if you are a McCain supporter and you are thinking of voting for John McCain just because you feel obligated to do so, because you feel it is your duty as a responsible citizen to vote, then please don't. You'll only be causing grievous harm to the process. Don't listen to those jackasses who are trying to emotionally blackmail you into voting. Trust me, you would be performing a huge service for your country if you did not vote. I would also say that people like me who are not eligible to vote should do their bit by trying to dissuade their friends from voting who they know are gonna vote for John McCain.

Tomorrow's an important day. If you are a resident of the US and if you are a McCain supporter, please do your part and stay home. And if you are an Obama supporter, keep as many McCain supporters from voting as you can. That is what the founding fathers would have wanted you to do. To hell with democracy. Democracy gave us George W. Bush. Let's try something different this time.

Surprising factoid of the day

Two of my colleagues, both staunch Republicans, have confided to me that John McCain's pick of Sarah Palin as his vice president convinced them to vote for Barack Obama.

I guess Americans are not as batshit insane as McCain was counting on them to be.

Win-win

The Philadelphia Phillies won the final presidential debate against John McCain. Sarah Palin flied out to catcher Carlos Ruiz on the final play of the game and then everything went crazy and everybody ran out of the dugout and then there was champagne and video cameras covered with plastic foil and tears of happiness and beautiful MVPs accepting trophies. Firecrackers exploded in the dead of the night and tequila was injected into the bloodstream.

In other news, Barack Obama is going to the baseball World Series.

The VP debate

My thoughts here.

What Biden ought to say

What Joseph Biden ought to say tonight during the debate.

God that was cathartic.

Update : Also, a slideshow on how Biden is preparing for his debate. (via ggop in comments).

?

McCain camp prays for a Palin wedding. (via)

Hello America, that's how stupid this McCain guy thinks you are. He believes that when you see his vice president's daughter get married on television, you'll be so awed with the spectacle that come election day, you'll still be thinking of that wedding and will vote for McCain because it will be his vice president's daughter's wedding that you will be thinking of.

America, please tell me McCain is wrong and you're not that stupid.

That bad?

Here's how I know we are fucked. The folks on my morning radio show, who usually discuss cleavage and its effects on localized inflation, today, had a finance guy over to educate listeners on the bailout and its consequences on the economy. Of course, there was still some humor, but it was dark humor, the kind where you are making the funny on the outside but weeping tears of blood on the inside. When Preston and Steve stop talking boobs and talk economy instead, it is time to curl up in a corner and start believing in God.

Here's an additional reason to curl up in a corner.

Here she comes, Miss Alaska

COURIC: Why isn’t it better, Governor Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle-class families who are struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries? Allow them to spend more, and put more money into the economy, instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess?

PALIN: That’s why I say I, like every American I’m speaking with, were ill about this position that we have been put in. Where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy. Um, helping, oh, it’s got to be about job creation, too. Shoring up our economy, and getting it back on the right track. So health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions, and tax relief for Americans, and trade — we have got to see trade as opportunity, not as, uh, competitive, um, scary thing, but one in five jobs created in the trade sector today. We’ve got to look at that as more opportunity. All of those things under the umbrella of job creation.

(via)




Archival footage from Ms. Palin's early career :

Interviewer: Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the United States on a world map. Why do you think this is?

Sarah Palin: "I personally believe the U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh...people out there in our nation don't have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and...I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., err, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our...

(Disclaimer : Model shown not really Sarah Palin. Also, this website is not supported or approved by the Obama for America campaign.)