Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Hello America, that's how stupid this McCain guy thinks you are. He believes that when you see his vice president's daughter get married on television, you'll be so awed with the spectacle that come election day, you'll still be thinking of that wedding and will vote for McCain because it will be his vice president's daughter's wedding that you will be thinking of.
America, please tell me McCain is wrong and you're not that stupid.
Now these here folks with www.freecreditreport.com, they will provide you with a "free" credit report and initially, all will be well. Your free credit report will inform you that you have exceptional credit and that you belong in the elite top 5 percentile of the mindless American consumer demographic and you bask in the glow of being an asset to the economy. But then, after a week, you check your credit card bill and you see that some asshole has billed you for $14.95. Then you make some inquiries and it turns out that it is in fact the folks at www.freecreditreport.com who have "charged" you a "fee" of $14.95. Apparently when you signed up for your free credit report and were making plans to take it out to dinner and a movie, you also signed up for a credit monitoring service that wasn't free and who the heck knows what else. Now everyday, you have to check your credit card online to see what else you signed up for on that unfortunate evening.
Now here's the irony. The reason you signed up for the free credit report in the first place was so you wouldn't have to keep checking your daily credit card activity for vague amounts charged by companies such as the very same free credit report company you signed up with.
www.freecreditreport.com. Scam. And fuck you, freecreditreport.com funny song guy. I am no longer sympathetic to your bad credit woes.
Here's an additional reason to curl up in a corner.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Here she comes, Miss Alaska
COURIC: Why isn’t it better, Governor Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle-class families who are struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries? Allow them to spend more, and put more money into the economy, instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess?
PALIN: That’s why I say I, like every American I’m speaking with, were ill about this position that we have been put in. Where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy. Um, helping, oh, it’s got to be about job creation, too. Shoring up our economy, and getting it back on the right track. So health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions, and tax relief for Americans, and trade — we have got to see trade as opportunity, not as, uh, competitive, um, scary thing, but one in five jobs created in the trade sector today. We’ve got to look at that as more opportunity. All of those things under the umbrella of job creation.
Archival footage from Ms. Palin's early career :
Interviewer: Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the United States on a world map. Why do you think this is?
Sarah Palin: "I personally believe the U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh...people out there in our nation don't have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and...I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., err, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our...
(Disclaimer : Model shown not really Sarah Palin. Also, this website is not supported or approved by the Obama for America campaign.)
Thought of the day
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Joe Biden has spent a number of years in the US Senate. Joe Biden's net worth is a mere $150,000. Senators typically earn a lot of money. Joe Biden in particular, who is the senator from Delaware, should have earned even more money through kickbacks from all those credit card companies that call Delaware their home. Since Joe Biden's net worth does not adequately reflect all those kickbacks that he surely must have received, Joe Biden is hiding something and therefore, is highly untrustworthy as a vice presidential candidate.
Are these people for real? If so, God Bless America.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Revised Godwin's Law
"As a Usenet discussion grows longer, the probability of it turning into an argument regarding the existence of God approaches one."
Case study here.
This law has been so named because once a debate has reached that asymptotic state of ineffectual equilibrium, it turns into a no-win situation for either debater because of :
1.> Pro-God faction beginning to think and say ungodly things about anti-God faction.
2.> Anti-God faction wishing there were a God and that He would rain lightning upon Pro-God faction.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The hour is 7:30ish in the evening. Vice President Sarah Palin has just wheeled President John McCain out of his bathroom and the cavalcade is now proceeding towards his bedroom where her job is to tuck him in and give him his medication.
Tonight the President seems perturbed. Managing, with considerable effort, to rotate his neck through an angle of 2 degrees, he whispers to her,
"Elizabeth, come over to my left side where I can still hear you."
The Vice President has already accepted the fact that at various times, she's going to have to answer to the names Elizabeth, Linda, Sheryl, Babs, Shaneneh and Cindy. Sighing, she walks over to his left side, bends down and speaks slowly and clearly into his ear.
"Yes, Mr President, what is it, do you need your bedpan to be changed?"
"No", replies the President. "I am wearing my big boy pants today. This is about Spain."
"What about Spain?" asks Ms Palin.
The President appears to have fallen into a trance. Palin repeats the question, this time nudging his shoulder.
"What about Spain, Mr President?"
President McCain manages to shake his gaze from the framed picture of him and his buddy, the previous president, that now hangs over the entrance to his bedroom and sighs. Yes, those were some good times.
"Yes, Spain. Don't listen to what they say about Spain, Brittany", mutters the President. "Spain is a scoundrel. Spain flew those planes into those buildings."
Palin appears uncertain. "Are you sure, Mr President? Where are you getting this information from?"
McCain pauses. "I heard someone mention it to me the other day."
Palin is still unsure about the validity of this information.
"Who was it, Mr President?", inquires Ms Palin. "Let me go talk to this person."
President McCain shakes his head.
"I don't know who it was, Scarlett, it happened while I was in the bathtub. It almost sounded like this person was right inside my head."
Vice President Palin is ecstatic. Historically, there's been only one person in this world endowed with the magical ability to enter people's heads and offer them advice on foreign policy matters. She realizes that like herself and his predecessor, the President has been conversing with God. Although it required an extreme decrepitude of the President's body and mind to reach that blessed state of being on speaking terms with the Maker, Vice President Palin is happy that he's finally reached it.
"Hallelujah, Mr President. I am very excited and happy for you. You have finally been reborn into a true Christian. Now let me go inform the Joint Chiefs of staff about this new development."
The next morning, Madrid wakes up in a pile of its own rubble. The War on Terror is finally won.
And this, my friends, is what I am worried about.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
The Steak Wars
So anyways, the Subway is my best friend forever, or as the kids call it nowadays, my BFF. Now I am a huge steak fan. And Subway used to have this sandwich called the "Steak and Cheese" sub. It cost about five and a half bucks, which was quite reasonable for a blue-collar worker such as I. Then, Quizno's, who is Subway's main challenger in this part of the world, discovered the wonders of television advertising and they began to air these commercials where people would hold a subway and a Quizno's sandwich side by side and scoff derisively at the Subway. Prominently featured was the steak and cheese sub which looked somewhat anemic when juxtaposed with the Quizno's beefier steak sandwich. The final straw that broke Subway's back was a commercial that featured an Oriental woman who rejected a subway sandwich, saying, "I'm a woman, I like my meat" or something to that effect. Now, anyone who's been rejected by an Oriental woman who claims that your meat cannot satisfy her, knows that this can cause all your cell membranes to spontaneously dissolve into a pool of protoplasm and all that is left inside you is a burning pain somewhat like the one you experience during a urinary tract infection. Also, it makes you want to increase the size of your meat in a hope that perhaps this new and improved meat will be better worth a woman's while.
So that is what Subway did. They discarded their older thin sliced steak and cheese sandwich and came up with a brand new one with a thicker cut of steak. And since they were now supplying the world with more meat, they obviously had to raise the price of this sandwich to six and a half bucks. Honestly, I didn't need more meat. I was okay with the previous meat. But hey, if it had to be so, then I guess it would be so. And the new sandwich was a hit. The women quit complaining about inadequate meat and all was right in Subway's world.
So then, Quizno's had to step right back in because it is common knowledge that if you and the other guy have the same size meat, the woman's gonna go to the one who buys her more clothes and takes her to Paris. So Quizno's now began to advertise a novel new sandwich called the "Prime Rib Sandwich with Au Jus". Oh those women. Just can't resist anything on the menu with a French accent. So they went back to Quizno's. Subway was aghast. And you know why? Because the thick cut sandwich Subway had just introduced that they were calling a "steak and cheese", was in fact, to be medically accurate, a prime rib sandwich in the first place. But hey, what the eff, mistakes can be rectified.
So overnight, the Subway "steak and cheese" miraculously turned into a "Prime Rib" sandwich. Praise the Lord!
But sadly, these developments did not have the intended effect on women that Subway had hoped they would. Women continued to stay away. Subway had become a Johnny come lately and women want no part of a Johnny come lately. Late yes, lately no.
So then Subway retired to his parents' basement to ponder over the intricate workings of the feminine mind and to come up with a plan of attack for wooing them over. Summer turned into fall and then winter. Finally, when the first water of Spring broke, it saw a disheveled Subway emerging from his underground cave with a notepad in his hand. "I have it", he exclaimed. "But let me first relieve my bladder".
I was excited to see what Subway had come up with. For, like women, I like my meat too and because of the leash and everything, whatever Subway does has a huge impact on my life. On the day Subway was to reveal the grand new sandwich, I drove to the place wondering what it would be. An ostrich burger with kangaroo bacon and tiger penis mayo? That sounded delicious.
As I walked up to the Subway, I saw a big sign on the door. Beginning today, Subway was offering "The Big Philly Cheesesteak" piled high with meat and cheese. Yes, regionalism, that might possibly work with the fairer sex. The boy next door approach, eh? Wouldn't hurt to try. Also, as a side note, the "Big Philly Cheesesteak" sandwich was so big, so monstrously huge that Subway had been forced to set its price at eight and a half American dollars. That's how gigantic this sandwich was. "Boy oh boy", I said to myself, "if it costs twice as much as the amount I am legally allowed to spend on my lunch everyday, this has GOT to be the most breathtaking sandwich ever".
And it was tasty, let there be no doubts about that. But as I was hammering away at it, I couldn't help but shake off the vague feeling that I knew this sandwich from before. But how could I? I had never ever seen a "Big Philly Cheesesteak" on the menu before. Perhaps from a previous life? "Nah, I must be mistaken", I said, as I wiped my mouth with my shirt sleeve and got up to leave. And then, just as I was releasing the door handle, it hit me. I knew where I had seen that sandwich before. In this very place. It was the original "Steak and Cheese" sandwich that Subway had withdrawn from service after having been accused of meat deficiency. The very same five and a half dollar sandwich. Now selling for eight and a half bucks. And being touted as "Big".
So what is the moral of the story? The moral of the story is Women! They drive the country's economy. I will be the first one to admit that. They are the reason malls, department stores, shopping carts and penis enlargers were invented and we should all be grateful for that. But they are also the reason why the fucking corporations can charge whatever ridiculous amount of money they want for anything and get the fuck away with it.
The Steak Wars are a testament to it.
Also, a belated Fuck you, Cowboys.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Bat out of hell
They also make me want to :
- Run headfirst into a brick wall.
- Swallow Gillette Mach3 razors or since they insist, their newest ones with 5 blades.
- Fist bump a cactus plant.
- Commit other random acts of violence on my own person.
Friday, September 12, 2008
For all your foreign policy needs
Have you ever been in a position where you were running for vice president and being interviewed on a network special and the host asked you a question about the current president's foreign policy and because you didn't know what the fuck he was talking about, you came off looking like a goddamn retard on television?
We at dummies.com have come up with a book specifically to avoid such a situation. It is called "Foreign Policy for Dummies" and we currently have a running special where, if you are a vice presidential candidate, you would only have to pay shipping and handling. The reason being, we are an American company and when John McCain keels over and dies in his second year as president, it would be in our best interests for you to have our book as a reference.
This book is beautifully illustrated with pictures of various farmyard animals. It is in large type and contains only words of a single syllable. It has an extended glossary with definitions of various obscure words and phrases you might come in contact with during your term as vice president such as "Sunni", "Shia", "The Bush Doctrine", "Iraq", and "Vice President".
The back cover of the book also doubles as a honorary Vice-Presidential diploma that you will receive once you manage to read the book to the very end. Just tear it off, get it framed and hang it on the wall of your office. Frame not included. Now when anyone in the liberal media asks you about your qualifications for the second-most important job position in the world, you can show it to them with pride and confidence.
All the best and we look forward to hearing from you.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
CNN brings on the stupid
The Rachel Maddow Show
That is all.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Eagles season opener
The offensive line was quite magnificent.
The receivers dominated. Jackson was a revelation. For once, the Eagles look like they have a good receiving corps that does not include someone named Owens. The one caveat is that coach Andy Reid should not get too excited about his receivers to such an extent that he discards the running game altogether. If you hand the ball to Brian Westbrook, he will do awesome things with it.
The defense looked ravenous. Perhaps they had not been fed in a week. I am glad they remembered to spit Marc Bulger out after they swallowed him those couple of times. They need to stay hungry for the next game at Dallas.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Disturbing Google search hit of the day
Nothing in particular
But anyways, fuck politics, I haven't biked all summer. My folks are here, visiting me. For the first time in the past 8 years or so. Their attitude towards life has changed quite a bit. They used to be big on traveling and seeing things. Now all they want is to go to malls and department stores. But I guess they've already seen most of the world and there's nothing that can excite them anymore. Now my dad's idea of a nice day out is to hang out in Home Depot gawking at toolboxes. My mom's day is made when we visit the Indian grocery. I would like to take them somewhere through the use of brute force, but it's a challenge for me to think of something they haven't already seen. I'm hoping for some geological oddity to suddenly appear in this part of the world, like, say, a volcano in the Poconos or maybe somebody could find a hitherto undiscovered tropical rain forest in south Philly. I am entirely out of ideas.
So we go to the Indian store. They have decent frozen chapatis.
My garden has blossomed under my dad's regime. He is a garden guy. One result is that my lawn looks awesome because he waters it everyday, come rain or shine. The other day it was about to rain and I yelled out to my dad outside, watering the lawn. "Dad stop watering, it's gonna rain". Dad yelled back, "It's okay, I have an umbrella". I did wait a couple of months hoping this would actually happen before making it up. Sadly, it never did because it would have been a great anecdote to narrate to random people on the internet.
I also have a tomato forest growing on my deck. Back in spring, I purchased a packet of tomato seeds and planted them all, believing that with my vast experience in killing healthy plants, I would be lucky to have but a single one alive by the end of summer. But with my dad in charge, all of them managed to grow and stay alive and now it's like a daycare center out there, only with juvenile tomato plants. They are a rowdy bunch. They fight with one other for the sunlight, block out each other's rays, fall onto the jalapeno who gets needlessly dragged into the fight. Man, they are a handful. I can't wait till they mature, sprout a few tomatoes and move out into their own soil.
I bought a bird feeder for my deck. It is my way of giving something back to society. The Republicans, with their free market-based poverty, don't care about feeding indigent and homeless birds and the Democrats are too busy feeding "people". I have been told that the birdhouse has been embraced and well patronized by blue jays, cardinals, chickadees, goldfinches and in my father's words, "black bird that was definitely not a crow"s. I haven't seen a single bird. Apparently my birdhouse only sees action during the early morning hours.
I guess that's it for now. Thank you, come again.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
On Sarah Palin
"Sorry America, but she was the best looking pro-life creationist woman we could find in two days to take over the presidency just in case I croak. But hey, don't worry, I ain't going anywhere. I'm only 63 or 73, I keep forgetting which."