Thursday, September 18, 2008


Look, I am not overly concerned about the fact that Senator John McCain seems to be unaware of whether Spain is a friendly European country or a hostile rogue nation. What I AM however worried about is the possibility of the following scenario.

The hour is 7:30ish in the evening. Vice President Sarah Palin has just wheeled President John McCain out of his bathroom and the cavalcade is now proceeding towards his bedroom where her job is to tuck him in and give him his medication.

Tonight the President seems perturbed. Managing, with considerable effort, to rotate his neck through an angle of 2 degrees, he whispers to her,

"Elizabeth, come over to my left side where I can still hear you."

The Vice President has already accepted the fact that at various times, she's going to have to answer to the names Elizabeth, Linda, Sheryl, Babs, Shaneneh and Cindy. Sighing, she walks over to his left side, bends down and speaks slowly and clearly into his ear.

"Yes, Mr President, what is it, do you need your bedpan to be changed?"

"No", replies the President. "I am wearing my big boy pants today. This is about Spain."

"What about Spain?" asks Ms Palin.

The President appears to have fallen into a trance. Palin repeats the question, this time nudging his shoulder.

"What about Spain, Mr President?"

President McCain manages to shake his gaze from the framed picture of him and his buddy, the previous president, that now hangs over the entrance to his bedroom and sighs. Yes, those were some good times.

"Yes, Spain. Don't listen to what they say about Spain, Brittany", mutters the President. "Spain is a scoundrel. Spain flew those planes into those buildings."

Palin appears uncertain. "Are you sure, Mr President? Where are you getting this information from?"

McCain pauses. "I heard someone mention it to me the other day."

Palin is still unsure about the validity of this information.

"Who was it, Mr President?", inquires Ms Palin. "Let me go talk to this person."

President McCain shakes his head.

"I don't know who it was, Scarlett, it happened while I was in the bathtub. It almost sounded like this person was right inside my head."

Vice President Palin is ecstatic. Historically, there's been only one person in this world endowed with the magical ability to enter people's heads and offer them advice on foreign policy matters. She realizes that like herself and his predecessor, the President has been conversing with God. Although it required an extreme decrepitude of the President's body and mind to reach that blessed state of being on speaking terms with the Maker, Vice President Palin is happy that he's finally reached it.

"Hallelujah, Mr President. I am very excited and happy for you. You have finally been reborn into a true Christian. Now let me go inform the Joint Chiefs of staff about this new development."

The next morning, Madrid wakes up in a pile of its own rubble. The War on Terror is finally won.

And this, my friends, is what I am worried about.


Anonymous said...

I am so turned on right now. The idea of bombing the rest of the world back into the third century is just so. . .so EXCITING!

Anonymous said...

I dont know why.But,when I see a picture of Palin or when I see her on TV,I feel very annoyed.

gawker said...

anonymous : I agree...I'm just waiting for my finances to be liquid so I can purchase Halliburton stocks.

anonymous 2 : Yes, you are suffering from what the Republicans call "Palin derangement syndrome", or what the rest of us call, "Palin? Are you fucking serious?" syndrome.

RobRoy said...

If you back down now, you're just giving the terrorists what they want. Also, the gays.

Anonymous said...

And to think you needed video games to satisfy your blood thirst,I seriously cant wait for Palin to go and go and attack russia...