Sub

Indian guy at Subway : I will have the foot-long veggie patty sub.

Indian guy behind Subway counter : Do you want bacon on it?

Mules and stuff

Some news stories are just so picture perfect, you thank your lucky stars that you had the privilege of bearing witness as they were reported. Here's one about a Georgia candidate for governor who admitted to having sex with a mule. His name? Neal Horsley. You couldn't ask for anything more. You could try, but you really shouldn't. Leave the powers that be in peace for a while.

Apparently, Mr. Horsley even justified his mule intimacy. “When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule,” he said, adding, “You experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually.” I'm guessing that whenever Neal showed up in town, everything would come to a screeching stop. Public alerts would be issued. "Nobody move, Motion Sensor Neal is on the prowl".

What's also funny is that Mr Horsley also made a statement saying that he would be willing to kill his son in the cause of overturning Roe vs Wade. But that's not ha ha funny, so we won't discuss it any further.

Shirtless Stupid

I am considerably gladdened by the realization that criminals in my neighborhood appear to be mental midgets. Apparently there was this guy who robbed and assaulted a cab driver and then, in order to elude the cops, fled into an apartment building where he was arrested in about an hour. Evidence of his sub-par mental faculties:

1.> The building he ran into was unoccupied. Thus making him the sole occupant of that building.

2.> The building he ran into was less than 100 yards from the scene of the crime. Really, criminal? You couldn't be bothered to run, say, 200 yards? You did have an hour to kill before the police showed up. So in the meantime, couldn't you have run to the train station? Where you could have caught the Septa R5 to 30th street? Where you could have boarded the Amtrak to Whitefish, Montana? Instead, you chose to run 100 yards. Good call, man.

3.> Finally, in a brilliant move whereby he clinched the 2009 "Evasive maneuver least likely to succeed but mad props for trying" award, the guy removed his shirt in an attempt to fool the cops. I suppose he was thinking, "Hey, if no one could tell Clark Kent was actually Superman merely because of his glasses, I'm sure I'll be made virtually unrecognizable by the sheer lack of garment on my upper torso". I'm sure he even called up his own mother in order to test his disguise and said, "Hey mom, I'm not wearing any clothes, can you tell it's me on the phone?"

So to recap, in order to escape the long arm of the law, this guy ran into an unoccupied empty apartment building within a stone's throw of where he knew cops would be arriving, stayed there for an hour and removed his shirt in 30 degree weather, hoping to meld into the crowd, of which there was none.

The cops explained how they caught the guy. "He was not dressed for the weather".

With geniuses of such outstanding cerebral caliber trying to rob me, I can now sleep soundly at night. All I have to do is post a sign on my door that reads, "After picking lock, please pull to open" when it actually needs to be pushed.

PETA makes a funny

PETA is pissed at Call of Duty : World @ War. PETA doesn't like the fact that players are forced to kill attack dogs that can be unleashed by their opponent once he or she achieves a killing streak of 7. In the interest of avoiding a cliched response, I will forego the act of wondering aloud what PETA's opinion is with regard to the brutal murder of human beings in the game. So now that's foregone, let us relish PETA's deliciously demented alternative vision of the concept, preferably to be implemented in the next Call of Duty sequel.

To help the folks at Activision Blizzard learn about the ethical treatment of animals (something we're sorta experts on) we're offering to let them take PETA's "Developing Empathy for Animals" seminar free of charge, and we're sending a package of dog-friendly Nintendogs games to their office.

With a little Nintendogs influence, perhaps the next Call of Duty game will have you unlock achievements for petting the dogs you encounter and going on walks or playing Frisbee with them.

The moment I read this, I knew it was a winner. Who wouldn't buy a war game where you could unleash a pack of vicious rottweilers on your enemy who, by rule, would be forced to place his gun aside for the moment and braving claws, fangs and the certain onset of rabies, pet those brutes and take them on a frisbee slinging walk while you take your time deciding which part of his anatomy you want to blow clean off his body? Heck, I sure would.

At this time, I would also like to offer my pre-emptive approval to the UN Human Rights Commision's future request that every subsequent war-based video game give the player an option to either stab his opponent in the back or cuddle with him while feeding him spoonfuls of warm scrumptious apple pie.

Stupid post

You know what I hate? When I write a stupid post and make the mistake of linking to CNN in my post and then my stupid post shows up as linking to the CNN article on the CNN website and then a ton of people from all over the world come to my blog from CNN and read my stupid post. Really hate when that happens. A man should be able to write stupid posts in peace without having people from all over the world come and read it. What's that you say, a man should quit writing stupid posts instead? Now you're just being stupid.

McNuggetini

The McNuggetini

A McDonald’s chocolate milkshake with vanilla vodka, rimmed with BBQ sauce and garnished with a chicken McNugget. (via (via)).

I call it McWhatTheFc.

PS : How about the Disgustini?

Any more ideas?

Link of the day

If, like me, you are prone to frequent bouts of depression due to the existence of religion and its horrible all-pervasive stench that clings to everything that accidentally ventures into its sphere of crapulence, then here is a link for you that will remind you that religion is also the reason why we laugh at all in the first place. It is the fine folks at the Hindu Janajagruti Samiti (which appears to be an organization that thinks of itself as a global complaint desk for Hindus), registering their disapproval of the movie Slumdog millionaire. Not to worry, you do not need to have seen the movie (I haven't) in order to fully enjoy this web-based manifestation of their disapproval. By the way, this link is being brought to you via this blog which is also the Exceptional Blog Find of the Day. (via).

In case you are gainfully employed or an employee of the Hindu Janajagruti Samiti, I will quickly lay out for you the more humorous portions of said disapproval.

1.> Quoted from site : "The film shows that Hindus attacks Muslim area shouting 'They're Muslims, get them'. Jamal's mother was killed by a Hindu after she was hit by a rod on the head. Jamal and his brother Salim ran away after seeing their mother killed. While running they reach a street in which they see a child dressed like Lord Rama. Jamal watches him carefully and sees a bow in his right hand and thinking that he will be killed by the person dressed as Lord Ram, he goes by a different route."

Complaint : This child is guilty of looking "horrible" and has "skeptical facial expressions" that are "denigrating to the religious sentiments of Hindus".

2.> The film shows Hindus killing and burning Muslims.

Complaint : This gives the message that Hindus kill Muslims now and then by attacking in mobs. As we all know, this has never happened in the entire history of Hindu-Muslim violence.

3.> In this film Jamal, a Muslim boy shows kindness to a Hindu girl.

Complaint : Apparently, someone who is vaguely described as "The News", is a confident proponent of the theory that Muslim boys are exclusively in the habit of getting paid to lure Hindu girls and not a single Muslim boy has ever existed, who has shown kindness to a Hindu girl.

4.> The blind beggar character in the movie is a Hindu.

Complaint : Why inflict blindness specifically on a Hindu? Also, why is that Muslim over there shown to have good teeth? And this other Hindu shown to have a bad taste in clothes? And that Muslim to have a pretty smile? And this Hindu to be balding? It's all a giant conspiracy.

5.> The child dressed like Lord Rama is giving blessings with his left hand.

Complaint : Gods never give blessings with their left hands. The reason behind that is Hindu Gods, like Hindu mortals, wash their hindquarters with their left hand and therefore, to give blessings with the same hand would be impolite in the Divine Rulebook of Etiquette. Implying that a Hindu God would show such impropriety as to give blessings with his left hand, especially Lord Rama, who we already know was so well-mannered as to throw his own wife to the dogs at society's behest, would be blasphemy.

By the way, the Hindu Janajagruti website is chock-full of such stuff so I recommend you go peruse it at leisure. For example, this page, where somebody with an old woman / dead poet fetish complains about the painter M F Husain drawing the Hindu Goddesses Laxmi, Saraswati and Durga naked while drawing mother Teresa, mother Husain and the poets Ghalib and Faiz fully clothed.

(Above : Obelix the Gaul and Dogmatix the canine, casting aspersions on the mental acuity of the folks at the Hindu Janajagruti Samiti)

Irony?

The Times of India :

"In a string of tragedies where ironically those hailing from AP met a violent end in the US in the last 15 months, software engineer N Akshay Vishal working with fraud-hit Satyam Computers was shot dead by unidentified assailants in Arkansas on January 13 last."

I don't understand. What's the irony here? Do you ever get the feeling nowadays that people are using "irony" for just about anything they can't remember the correct word for?

What? II

The NY Post reports (via) that "A US citizen was booted from a Turkish Airlines flight from Istanbul to New York after he complained there were "Arab types" on board".

Three questions spring to mind. Did this guy know that he was on a Turkish Airlines flight? Did he know that he was in Turkey? And did he travel to Turkey for a corneal transplant operation, receive his transplant in the Istanbul airport just before he boarded his plane and then realize, goshdarnit, Turkey was full of Arab types?

This reminds me of the time a friend of mine from India stepped off the plane in New York for the first time in his life and exclaimed, wow there are a lot of foreigners in this country. Actually he didn't really say that but this is a good way to illustrate my point. Also, if he had actually said that, I would probably not have divulged it in a public forum like this for fear of embarrassing him. So since he didn't actually say that, I am comfortable with saying that he did.

What?

God was certainly looking out for all of us.

Actually no, jackass. God's the asshole who convinced that goose to fly into your plane engine. It was the pilot who was looking out for all of you.

Rusty Gears

gawker : So did you interview the new guy?

colleague : Yes, I did. He's smart.

gawker : Really? What are his qualifications?

colleague : He has a masters degree from UPenn.

gawker : Cool. Masters in what?

colleague : Bayesian.

gawker : Bayesian?

colleague : Bayesian.

gawker : Bayesian probability?

colleague : Yes, Bayesian.

gawker : How will that help him in tech support? Are you sure about this? That he has a masters in......

colleague : Bayesian. Yes.

gawker : Hmmm....Bayesian....strange.

colleague : Yes. Bayesian.

gawker : Masters. In Bayesian. Hmmm.

colleague : Yes...?

gawker (sound of rusty gears creaking into motion) : Oh.....

colleague (waiting) : Yeeees........?

gawker : Goddamn you.

colleague : LOL.

gawker : Thank you for your patience.

colleague : You're welcome.

joke

So as I was relaxing in the restroom today, I came up with this new joke that I am planning to use at the next Software Developers Stand-up Comedy Convention (or NAMBLA). It goes like this :

"Hey, so what is with memory leaks? If you're not releasing memory, why is it leaking?"

I hope you like it.

If you're a java developer, I warmly welcome your deprecatory comment regarding how this joke would not apply to you since java is free of memory leak issues.

I like this guy

Here is a guy I admire and respect very much. He's the CEO of AIG, the insurance company that got bailed out by the federal government a few weeks ago. Turns out that the executives of this just-bailed-out-company gathered last week at a posh resort in Phoenix, complete with “cocktail parties, limousines, and dinner out at a top restaurant.” (via ThinkProgress). All this was paid for, presumably, with taxpayer dollars, money that was supposed to be utilized in helping the company back to its feet financially.

But here's why I like and respect this guy so much. When asked on Larry King Live as to why this conference was kept so secretive to the point that AIG instructed the resort not to put up a single sign proclaiming their presence there, he replied that the reason for that was because the company was trying to tighten its budget and therefore, did not wish to waste any money on signs.

Now I am not one to indulge in vulgarities but if you were looking for role models for your testes, your search ends right here. At this man's balls. These magnificent works of art that I respect and admire so much.

?

McCain camp prays for a Palin wedding. (via)

Hello America, that's how stupid this McCain guy thinks you are. He believes that when you see his vice president's daughter get married on television, you'll be so awed with the spectacle that come election day, you'll still be thinking of that wedding and will vote for McCain because it will be his vice president's daughter's wedding that you will be thinking of.

America, please tell me McCain is wrong and you're not that stupid.

www.freecreditreport.com

It is a scam. You know, they keep telling us that there is no such thing as a free credit report sandwich till they are blue in the face, but do we care? No. We are people enamored by the free stuff and we keep hoping. And then we log onto websites that begin with the word "free" and may or may not end with the word "creditreport" or "videos" and we sign up for everything they have to offer. And then we get computer viruses, spyware and sometimes, chickenpox.

Now these here folks with www.freecreditreport.com, they will provide you with a "free" credit report and initially, all will be well. Your free credit report will inform you that you have exceptional credit and that you belong in the elite top 5 percentile of the mindless American consumer demographic and you bask in the glow of being an asset to the economy. But then, after a week, you check your credit card bill and you see that some asshole has billed you for $14.95. Then you make some inquiries and it turns out that it is in fact the folks at www.freecreditreport.com who have "charged" you a "fee" of $14.95. Apparently when you signed up for your free credit report and were making plans to take it out to dinner and a movie, you also signed up for a credit monitoring service that wasn't free and who the heck knows what else. Now everyday, you have to check your credit card online to see what else you signed up for on that unfortunate evening.

Now here's the irony. The reason you signed up for the free credit report in the first place was so you wouldn't have to keep checking your daily credit card activity for vague amounts charged by companies such as the very same free credit report company you signed up with.

www.freecreditreport.com. Scam. And fuck you, freecreditreport.com funny song guy. I am no longer sympathetic to your bad credit woes.

Here she comes, Miss Alaska

COURIC: Why isn’t it better, Governor Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle-class families who are struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries? Allow them to spend more, and put more money into the economy, instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess?

PALIN: That’s why I say I, like every American I’m speaking with, were ill about this position that we have been put in. Where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy. Um, helping, oh, it’s got to be about job creation, too. Shoring up our economy, and getting it back on the right track. So health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions, and tax relief for Americans, and trade — we have got to see trade as opportunity, not as, uh, competitive, um, scary thing, but one in five jobs created in the trade sector today. We’ve got to look at that as more opportunity. All of those things under the umbrella of job creation.

(via)




Archival footage from Ms. Palin's early career :

Interviewer: Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the United States on a world map. Why do you think this is?

Sarah Palin: "I personally believe the U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh...people out there in our nation don't have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and...I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., err, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our...

(Disclaimer : Model shown not really Sarah Palin. Also, this website is not supported or approved by the Obama for America campaign.)

Ice cream

Not a big fan and this ain't helping.

Bat out of hell

It is things like these that remind me of that Meatloaf song "Life is a lemon and I want my money back".
They also make me want to :

1. Run headfirst into a brick wall.
2. Swallow Gillette Mach3 razors or since they insist, their newest ones with 5 blades.
3. Fist bump a cactus plant.
   
4. Commit other random acts of violence on my own person.
   

CNN brings on the stupid

What's with this fucking nonsense?

Dear China

Dear Chinese Olympics Organizers,

You are fucking assholes. Kindly take your games and shove em up your ass.

Regards,
g