The Times of India :
"In a string of tragedies where ironically those hailing from AP met a violent end in the US in the last 15 months, software engineer N Akshay Vishal working with fraud-hit Satyam Computers was shot dead by unidentified assailants in Arkansas on January 13 last."
I don't understand. What's the irony here? Do you ever get the feeling nowadays that people are using "irony" for just about anything they can't remember the correct word for?
Showing posts with label media. Show all posts
Showing posts with label media. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
The fake blur
There was this huge news story that broke in the Indian media over the weekend. A Belgian model was walking down the catwalk and suddenly she had a wardrobe malfunction. Her wardrobe door fell off. And then, her top slid off her shoulders, exposing her breast.
On Saturday, I spent thirty minutes watching a Star Nyuz anchor analyze, in excruciating detail, the physics, the math and the free market economics behind the sliding of the top. I was also treated to innumerable consecutive television replays of the fateful moment. Except, every time, the replay would end just before the top actually fell off and despite the absence of on-screen areola, they still blurred the screen. I can imagine the discussion that must have ensued in the Star Nyuz studio just before they aired the clip.
"Okay, so it is decided, we will show her top falling off and then we will blur her breasts."
"Excellent. Congratulations, people, good job, good show. These blurred breasts will ensure, at least for the next week or so, that there will be food on the table for our families."
But then, a sour note.
"Hold on sir, what about Bal Thackeray?"
"What about him?"
"He does not like breasts."
"We are not showing breasts. We are blurring them."
"He might gather all the pieces of the blur, match them together in Photoshop and break our windows."
"Yes, our insurance policy does not include Bal Thackeray liability. Alright, cancel the blurred breast pictures."
"But what about our viewers? We have to think of them too. If we fail to show them blurred breasts, why would they continue to watch this channel?"
"You're right. My wife just purchased a new I-Phone. I need this job. That blur needs to be broadcast."
"Alright folks. Here's what we will do. We will run the video upto a point just before when the top falls off. And then, we will blur the picture regardless. Our viewers will mentally undress this fake blur and recreate a naked breast out of thin air. And no matter how much image processing Bal Thackeray performs on the video, he will not manage to piece together any nudity and stay in a window-friendly mood."
"That was some mighty quick thinking Varma! You are hereby promoted to Chief Blur Executive."
Why Varma? I don't know, seems like the kind of name a dynamic Blur Executive might have. A Chopra might have capitulated to blur anxiety.
On Saturday, I spent thirty minutes watching a Star Nyuz anchor analyze, in excruciating detail, the physics, the math and the free market economics behind the sliding of the top. I was also treated to innumerable consecutive television replays of the fateful moment. Except, every time, the replay would end just before the top actually fell off and despite the absence of on-screen areola, they still blurred the screen. I can imagine the discussion that must have ensued in the Star Nyuz studio just before they aired the clip.
"Okay, so it is decided, we will show her top falling off and then we will blur her breasts."
"Excellent. Congratulations, people, good job, good show. These blurred breasts will ensure, at least for the next week or so, that there will be food on the table for our families."
But then, a sour note.
"Hold on sir, what about Bal Thackeray?"
"What about him?"
"He does not like breasts."
"We are not showing breasts. We are blurring them."
"He might gather all the pieces of the blur, match them together in Photoshop and break our windows."
"Yes, our insurance policy does not include Bal Thackeray liability. Alright, cancel the blurred breast pictures."
"But what about our viewers? We have to think of them too. If we fail to show them blurred breasts, why would they continue to watch this channel?"
"You're right. My wife just purchased a new I-Phone. I need this job. That blur needs to be broadcast."
"Alright folks. Here's what we will do. We will run the video upto a point just before when the top falls off. And then, we will blur the picture regardless. Our viewers will mentally undress this fake blur and recreate a naked breast out of thin air. And no matter how much image processing Bal Thackeray performs on the video, he will not manage to piece together any nudity and stay in a window-friendly mood."
"That was some mighty quick thinking Varma! You are hereby promoted to Chief Blur Executive."
Why Varma? I don't know, seems like the kind of name a dynamic Blur Executive might have. A Chopra might have capitulated to blur anxiety.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Wrong house, Santa
Considering the vastness of India's juvenile population, it would appear to be a statistical improbability for Santa Claus to manage to drop presents into an Indian house that is guaranteed not to have any children living there, but manage it he did. From MSNBC, who is apparently stalking the old philanthropist on Christmas Eve:
Apparently someone forgot to tell Santa that the Taj Mahal, ever since its inauguration, has served no purpose other than that of being a tomb. I guess it also follows to reason that somewhere within the cavernous interior of the Taj Mahal lies a huge pile of unclaimed Christmas presents delivered through the years by an ill-informed, albeit well-intentioned Westerner whose reliance on Hollywood disaster flicks for his knowledge of world culture has been a tad bit too heavy.
I am also fairly confident that in the next few hours, Santa Claus will be observed trying to lower himself (and his presents) onto the Eiffel Tower of France, the Sydney Opera House of Australia, the Tower of England, The Great Wall of China and other worldly landmarks that are familiar to MSNBC subscribers but sadly, equally devoid of children as the Taj Mahal.
But enough of Santa-bashing. Have a great holiday, people.
Dec. 24: Agra, India — With no flat rooftop to land on at the Taj Mahal, Santa was seen tonight lowering himself down into the palace via a red rope while his reindeer hovered in formation. “You wouldn’t think a man with such a big jelly belly could be so agile,” said a Taj Mahal security guard, “but this just shows that when it comes to delivering Christmas presents Santa will do whatever it takes. I wonder if he practices yoga.
Apparently someone forgot to tell Santa that the Taj Mahal, ever since its inauguration, has served no purpose other than that of being a tomb. I guess it also follows to reason that somewhere within the cavernous interior of the Taj Mahal lies a huge pile of unclaimed Christmas presents delivered through the years by an ill-informed, albeit well-intentioned Westerner whose reliance on Hollywood disaster flicks for his knowledge of world culture has been a tad bit too heavy.
I am also fairly confident that in the next few hours, Santa Claus will be observed trying to lower himself (and his presents) onto the Eiffel Tower of France, the Sydney Opera House of Australia, the Tower of England, The Great Wall of China and other worldly landmarks that are familiar to MSNBC subscribers but sadly, equally devoid of children as the Taj Mahal.
But enough of Santa-bashing. Have a great holiday, people.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
A wild game to kill an idle spring afternoon
Catch all the grammatical errors, spelling mistakes and stupidity in this article and win a trip to Africa where you will be able to frolic with wild wetty animals. Read with color-blind goggles first. For answers, remove goggles and read again. To make the game interesting, every time the word "wild" appears in the article, drink a shot of Jack Daniels and slap yourself with hawaii chappals.
Don't forget the key :
grammatical error
stupidity
wild
spelling mistake
Update : Apparently someone took the time to proof-read the article and make a few much-needed corrections. Although it's still not syntactically perfect (one kinda gets the impression that the proof-reader got about halfway through the article then said fuck it), one does not have to jump through hoops of comprehension any more in order to get its gist. Hey, it's a good thing I copied the entire thing verbatim, yeah?
Update2 : Just in case the Hindustan Times decides to eliminate this festering pimple of an article from the buttock of its journalistic pride by deleting it altogether, let us immortalize it for posterity by copy pasting the new version in its entirety on this blog. This will allow future generations to read it and recognize the vital importance of taking Proof-Reading 101 before embarking upon a career in journalism.
Update3 : Hey ho and away she goes. And away she went, the article, not to be found at her old url. The HT will no longer cater to connoisseurs of wild wetty stuff. But thank God for resourcefulness. Mine.
Don't forget the key :
grammatical error
stupidity
wild
spelling mistake
Wild Wetty Dreams
Being a celeb doesn't accomplish all your dreams. One still desire for more. And specially when it comes to something wild and romantic, our actors dream like anyone else.
Once being abreast of wildest romantic dream of some of them, you will realise that they are like us. Diana Hyden, a beauty with brains thinks of forest, wild animal and her sweetheart.
Says she, "My wild romantic dream is to get married in a different style. I want to get married somewhere in a forest in Africa. As you know African forest are dense and you have deadliest of creatures there. I dream of wild animals all around me. I think this one dream I will ever want to get fulfilled."
Even Priyanka Chopra has something mushy in her wild dreams as she says, "In fact I love all religions and communities so I have a very wild dream to get married each time in accordance with each community's rituals. I love to dress like a Punjbai bride, Christian babe, a beautiful parsi girl and like other communities' bride.
So I love to get married to a man in several times in several ways. I have a great desire for marriage rituals of all communities.
And I want to experience all of that. If possible I will tell my husband-to-be to marry me as many times as possible so that I will enjoy the traditions of as many communities as possible."
Bollywood hunks also think wild and something out-of-the world. For Dino Morea wild romantic dream would be an isolated island and lots of Hollywood hot and sexy babes like Jennifer Lopez, Charlize Theron and some Bollywood babes like Aishwarya Rai. Says he, "I wish this dream of being with all these girls on a lonely island would come true one day."
Update : Apparently someone took the time to proof-read the article and make a few much-needed corrections. Although it's still not syntactically perfect (one kinda gets the impression that the proof-reader got about halfway through the article then said fuck it), one does not have to jump through hoops of comprehension any more in order to get its gist. Hey, it's a good thing I copied the entire thing verbatim, yeah?
Update2 : Just in case the Hindustan Times decides to eliminate this festering pimple of an article from the buttock of its journalistic pride by deleting it altogether, let us immortalize it for posterity by copy pasting the new version in its entirety on this blog. This will allow future generations to read it and recognize the vital importance of taking Proof-Reading 101 before embarking upon a career in journalism.
Wild Wetty Dreams version 2.0
Wild Witty DreamsCelebrities do not dream differently. Their wild and romantic dreams are the same as of any other person.
Talk to Diana Hayden, the former Miss World, and you would know she dreams about a forest, wild animals and her to be love.
Says she, "My wild romantic dream is to get married in a different style. I want to get married somewhere in a forest in Africa. As you know, African forests are dense and you have deadliest of creatures there. I dream wild animals all around me. I wish I could fulfil this dream."
Even Priyanka Chopra has something unique in her wild dreams as she says, "I love all religions and communities. So, I dream of getting married in accordance with each rituals of various communities. I love to dress up like a Punjabi bride, Christian babe, a beautiful Parsi girl and like brides of other communities.
"So, I love to get married to the same man several times in different way. If possible I will tell my husband-to-be to marry me as many times as possible so that I will enjoy the traditions of as many communities as possible."
Bollywood hunks are no different. Dino Morea dreams of spending time in an isolated island with lots of hot and sexy babes from Hollywood like Jennifer Lopez, Charlize Theron and some also India beauty Aishwarya Rai. He says, "I wish this dream of being with all these girls on a lonely island would come true one day."
Update3 : Hey ho and away she goes. And away she went, the article, not to be found at her old url. The HT will no longer cater to connoisseurs of wild wetty stuff. But thank God for resourcefulness. Mine.
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