Und

I found myself in the mall yesterday and saw a sign in a store that said "flirty underwear for ladies". Somebody please tell me, what good is flirty underwear? If you're already wearing underwear in a guy's presence, there's a good chance that you two are well past the flirting stage. Flirty underwear makes as much sense as a birth control pill bearing instructions on what to do on a first date. Timing fail.

How can underwear be made flirty anyways? Flirting is a shy or coquettish way of showing sexual interest. The only way underwear can be made coquettish is by creating uncertainty about its prospective removal. Technically, it could be done by sewing a large symbolic lock into the fabric. Or imprinting a warning label specifying, "Under section 505(a)(2), penalty of removal to be 15 years of imprisonment or a $ 5000 fine." That would make it very flirty because the fact that you are in your underwear would convey your interest in hooking up, but the accompanying threat of federal incarceration would simultaneously convey your shyness.

I hadn't been to the mall in a while and it appears that while I was asleep, they made a few adjustments to contemporary male fashion. I was looking for pajamas and yes, I did make sure I was in the "men and boys who think they are men" section but nevertheless, I stumbled upon a number of items of sleepwear that have traditionally been observed adorning the female of the species rather than the male. Weird black slinky stuff. Stuff that looks like it would cling to your groin and inner thighs from static electricity and create a perpetual groping sensation. Also, I noticed quite a few garment samples suffering from a severe case of transparency. See-through pajamas for men? Dude, really?

Men do not like transparent fabric on their bodies. That is a fundamental difference between the male body and The Female Body. The Female Body has a massive ego and a tremendous God complex. The Female Body is always going, Me, Me, Me, yayyyy!! The Female Body believes that it is a sin for such a glorious Entity such as It to stay hidden from view but since you're so fucking unworthy to be laying your eyes on It, will agree to do so, but only with tremendous reluctance. And because secretly, It really really wishes to be seen and worshiped, It will deliberately create a number of viewing loopholes you can take advantage of such as necklines, hemlines, slits, slinks and semi-transparency.

Men have a totally opposite view of their bodies and clothing. If a man were to find himself wearing a transparent garment, his first thought would be, hmm, I am definitely wearing clothes, but I can still see my body. What the fuck gives? To men, clothes are a handy tool for destroying the idea of having a body. When a man wears clothes, his body ceases to exist in mind or matter and he can then move on to other pressing stuff. Men are still waiting for NASA to invent invisibility, but till then, we are okay with using clothes as a temporary alternative. In conclusion, slinky and semi-transparent clothing for men is an ill-conceived idea and it is ideas like these that have led to the current economic downturn.

That and the desire to own a home without having the ability to pay for it.