I am considerably gladdened by the realization that criminals in my neighborhood appear to be mental midgets. Apparently there was this guy who robbed and assaulted a cab driver and then, in order to elude the cops, fled into an apartment building where he was arrested in about an hour. Evidence of his sub-par mental faculties:
1.> The building he ran into was unoccupied. Thus making him the sole occupant of that building.
2.> The building he ran into was less than 100 yards from the scene of the crime. Really, criminal? You couldn't be bothered to run, say, 200 yards? You did have an hour to kill before the police showed up. So in the meantime, couldn't you have run to the train station? Where you could have caught the Septa R5 to 30th street? Where you could have boarded the Amtrak to Whitefish, Montana? Instead, you chose to run 100 yards. Good call, man.
3.> Finally, in a brilliant move whereby he clinched the 2009 "Evasive maneuver least likely to succeed but mad props for trying" award, the guy removed his shirt in an attempt to fool the cops. I suppose he was thinking, "Hey, if no one could tell Clark Kent was actually Superman merely because of his glasses, I'm sure I'll be made virtually unrecognizable by the sheer lack of garment on my upper torso". I'm sure he even called up his own mother in order to test his disguise and said, "Hey mom, I'm not wearing any clothes, can you tell it's me on the phone?"
So to recap, in order to escape the long arm of the law, this guy ran into an unoccupied empty apartment building within a stone's throw of where he knew cops would be arriving, stayed there for an hour and removed his shirt in 30 degree weather, hoping to meld into the crowd, of which there was none.
The cops explained how they caught the guy. "He was not dressed for the weather".
With geniuses of such outstanding cerebral caliber trying to rob me, I can now sleep soundly at night. All I have to do is post a sign on my door that reads, "After picking lock, please pull to open" when it actually needs to be pushed.
6 comments:
ah. now i will rob you. since i know the door has to be pushed
Oh well, I'll just put up a sign on my door saying "this is not a door"
@RR: Your "now i will rob you. Since I know the door has to be pushed" suggests you are the same category as our 'shirtless stupid'? In that case, please inform me when you plan to rob gawker. I will look around all the buildings within a 100m area before the cops arrive ;)
p.s: All in good humour lady.
Lol. You are making him sound worse.I guess, he will probably commit suicide if he reads this.
Other potential robbers might actually be afraid of you making fun of them and choose to give their 100% in their robbery attempt..and live upto your expectations.;-)
chikki : You have a valid point. I shall address it as follows.
Dear potential robbers, I like you just the way you are. Thank you for being you. You don't have to try any harder, I am impressed as it is. Be well now.
If I were drinking anything, I'm sure it would have been coming outta my nose right about now. Hilarious!
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