Monday, May 15, 2006

Head on

So I was watching television and this commercial came on.

Voiceover guy : "Is head on right for you?"

Then, two female voices started speaking in a conspiratorial manner as if they were discussing feminine hygiene at an Al Qaida convention.

"I just bought head on at the drugstore."

"What is head on?"

"You don't know what head on is?"

"Should I know what head on is?"

They would probably have continued in this vein indefinitely right upto armageddon if it weren't for Faceless Voiceover guy, who, realizing that all that womanly yakking was taking up valuable air time, jumped back in to make his closing statement.

Voiceover Guy : "Head on..available at most pharmacies without a prescription."

End of commercial.

If I asked you "what do you think head on is" and you replied "probably a blowjob simulating gel", I would say, "well, that's what I thought it was too". But it isn't. It's a cure for headaches as explained here. Ok it's not exactly explained there either. It's as if the company that manufactures "head on" went to great lengths to shield consumers from exposure to knowledge about what this product actually does for you.

But when you think about it, you realize that it makes great business sense. Say you are the maker of "head on", as you may well be. "What does your product do", someone asks you and you tell him with a wink, "why don't you find out for yourself, my friend", and so your friend buys it and uses it and then suddenly the rash on his buttocks is gone 'cause he was too worried about the rash to sit down, and he thinks it was the power of head on that cured him. So now everytime he has a butt-rash, he buys head-on, thus becoming a loyal customer. And similarly, anyone else who has a cold, enlarged prostate, cirrhosis of the liver or lung cancer uses head on and keeps using it. Everyone except the guy with lung cancer, of course, who dies just as he's sniffing his last unprescribed dose of head-on and that was stupid of him 'cause head-on wasn't meant for nasal ingestion anyways.

And on an utterly unrelated note, "Stewart Greenleaf for PA Senate" campaign posters actually have the picture of a green leaf on them. I'm trying to remember if Vote Bush posters were accompanied by pictures of hirsute genitalia.


Alpha said...

am laughing way too much. should try head on. seriously, head on?

gawker said...

yes, head on. watch out for its commercial on network tv. its probably the most ambiguous waste of ad time I have encountered in my life.

Anonymous said...

"Introducing HeadOn® : an entirely new and advanced
headache treatment applied directly to the forehead. Probably the most innovative product ever introduced
in the OTC Pain Relief category, HeadOn® represents
a major healthcare and scientific breakthrough, providing consumers with a novel way of treating some of their most common health problems: headaches, migraines,
and pain with sleeplessness."

Innovative??? uhhh?? (extremely distressed look) so.... u mean, i was not supposed to use Tiger balm etc on the forehead??? whr exactly was i supposed to use it??? (very very distressed)

procrastinator said...

damn you're funny

Anonymous said...

I don't know who you are, but I just saw that blasted HeadOn commercial. I had to know what it was. Upon searching for the overly ambiguous product, I stumbled onto your rant and guffawed a good deal. Thank you.

Nicole said...

I wrote about this commercial on my blog also. Actually the first time I saw it I thought it was a joke, BUT it's NOT! It's for real. It looks like deodorant for your forehead.

Anonymous said...

Now the commercial has bee abridged so it doesn't even tell you what it's for!