Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Search engine query reply of the day

"punjabi rituals how many dresses for bride should be given"

Answer : This is a serious topic so I will refrain from being flippant about it. As we all know, post-marital bridal disrobement is well on it's way to becoming one of the most serious problems for women in 21st century India. In what is surely a glaring example of the sad state of women's rights in this country, many Indian husbands have begun to insist that their brand new brides consentingly disrobe in front of their eyes, some even as early as on the very night of their wedding. In fact, parents of many newly wed maidens find themselves worrying about whether their little girl will be exposed to the evil machinations of her husband and be seduced into shedding her clothes for him, and if so, what they can do about it. However, there is a solution to this conundrum. To ensure that their daughter doesn't fall prey to such consensual-sex fiends, many parents nowadays have begun to gift-wrap their daughters in the manner of a Christmas present before sending her off to her in-laws.

The most popular way of achieving this is by emptying the bride's suitcase of all her clothes and mounting them on her body just before her departure. This serves two purposes; one, when the actual hour of consensual nudity arrives, declothing the bride becomes a chore of such monumental proportions that not even all the spiced-milk glasses in the world delivered to all the husbands in the world by all the shy brides in the world would be able to provide the muscular strength, stamina and willpower necessary for accomplishing this task.

Secondly, with all the clothes in her possession residing simultaneously on her back, if the bride were to resemble a giant ball of twine, there would be very few husbands curious enough to allocate any physical resources towards determining what might lie at the center of that ball.

However, the query in question, namely, "how many dresses should be given" is a misleader. It is not how many dresses, but what kind of dresses to be given that is key. To flummox a lustful male, quantity is not enough. As long as there are visible buttons that can be undone, switches that can be flicked and trap doors that can be opened, leading into tunnels containing secret levers that can be pushed to unstrap a bra, a typical male will go through all these motions gamely as long as it's not too taxing on his brain. The key, therefore, is to tax his brain.

Enter the Maharashtrian nine yard saree. Maharashtrians have, since long back, perfected the art of packaging their women in an ISO 9001 compliant technique guaranteed to ensure their continued virtuousness even after marriage. The nine yard saree is the indigenously developed chastity belt, the Gordian knot of feminine apparel. It is a complex mesh of intertwining color and fabric that can only be untied by the hand that tied it in the first place. There exists no male libido in the entire world that has ever achieved success in battle against the nine yard saree. This magnificent garment is the perfect guardian-angel for your adored daughter as she sets sail from the safety of her childhood home into the tumultuous sea of lustfulness that is her husband's cave. Wrap nine of these nine-yard brutes around your daughter and this will reduce her once proud, loving husband into a cowering, sulking slave.

I hope that answered the question.


RobRoy said...

What does the groom (or his family) do if he is nervous about the same thing, and his wife is a lustful vixen?

neha vish said...

I just died laughing. This must be Gawker-Heaven. (Where sarees are used only as curtains)

Anonymous said...

That was hilarious! Am not sure about the nine yard saree and the chastity belt thingy. I know women who had half a dozen kids, all in a nine yard saree aka the madisaar as we tambrams call it!

Happy-Go-Lucky said...

You said u wont be flippant!

There exists no male libido in the entire world that has ever achieved success in battle against the nine yard saree

Very true! Looks like that one came right from the heart.. LOLZ

Mayank said...

a personal experience by any chance?

IndianArchie said...

Nice post..but i thought it ended rather abruptly. Did you run out of things to write?

Musings that Amuse
Think Dull

gawker said...

robroy : the sight of the naked Indian male body should be successful in quenching the flames of desire of the lustful vixen. This, assuming that load-shedding is not ongoing and visibility is high. If not, no one can save the groom from the vixen.

neha, sowmya : Thank you.
sowmya : it was in all likelihood a faulty model. Probably made in China.

rahul, mayank : I hear stories. From the voices in my head.

indianarchie : i have a short attention span. Something to do with

zambezi said...

why the hell were you thinking about this?

gawker said...

24 and Lost just finished their season finales on tv. I had to channel my energies elsewhere.

Anonymous said...

Men of the 9-yard saree generation must have attended Agarwal's tutorials (add your local IIT-JEE entrance exam coaching class name) .....for they managed to produce many more offsprings than the negligee generation!

Swapna said...

Good one! That was hilarious!

Anonymous said...

I second that. Absolutely hilarious