Thursday, May 11, 2006

Sad Little Bald Man

I was in the Subway today. To a casual observer it might seem that my life revolves entirely around Subways, but it isn't so. I can also be seen occasionally in the Wawa. It is strange what Pennsylvanians will name their sandwich shops. I guess "Wawa" originates from the primal sound cavemen would make when they were hungry and wanted to sink their teeth into something juicy and dripping with animal protein and sandwiches hadn't been invented yet. You can still see the vestiges of this behavior in starving babies who are in urgent need of a nipple.

But I was in the Subway nevertheless and there was a couple in the line ahead of me. This couple was a guy-guy couple. One was tall and one was short. One had hair and one was bald. One had 20-20 vision and one was wearing glasses. I wonder if it is a trait peculiar to an Indian to type in spectacles first, then realize he hasn't heard anyone using the word in this country, then backspace and type in glasses.

But on with the story. It is going to get more exciting soon so don't stop reading yet. Tall Goodlooking Guy was talking and joking with the sandwich lady, a girl in her twenties or so. She was having a fun time and Tall Goodlooking Guy was getting all the wrong things on his sandwich but he didn't seem to mind since he had her attention. And Sad Little Bald Guy was intermittently trying to make a contribution to the intellectual diversity of the conversation. The problem was, sandwich lady would merely give Sad Little Bald Guy a somewhat uninterested stare, a nod and then return back to her conversation with Tall Goodlooking Guy.

This happened a number of times. Soon Sad Little Bald Guy began to get agitated. The frequency of his interruptions began to increase, his voice began to get higher pitched and he started waving his arms. The net result was nothing. Apart from a polite look from the sandwich lady that lasted a microsecond, he was getting nothing.

Then, Sad Little Bald Guy began doing somersaults on the floor. His glasses fell from their perch and he became a Sad Little Bald Guy Without Glasses. After whirling around for a bit, he returned back to the counter and said "Tada". "You lost your glasses", said the sandwich lady in an absent-minded sort of way. She was trying to picture Tall Goodlooking Guy in a leopardskin leotard. She was an animal lover, you see. Tall Goodlooking Guy, never at a loss for topics to broach, chimed in, "You know, I had an uncle with glasses....". Soon sandwich lady was engrossed in the exciting adventures of Tall Goodlooking Guy's vision-impaired uncle.

Sad Little Bald guy wasn't about to give up. He then took out a sword from his pocket and balanced it on his tongue. He walked around the room, head pointed towards the ceiling, blood dripping from his tongue, but he didn't allow the sword to hit the ground. Then, he took out a foldable unicycle from his other pocket and with arms outstretched began to cycle and balance the sword at the same time. He also started singing, a horrible gurgling sound that wouldn't have won him any record deals because the sword was still wedged into his tongue but I guess there's no accounting for musical tastes. In the midst of all this action, Sad Little Bald guy looked at sandwich lady, awaiting applause. She said to him, "I think your tires aren't fully inflated". "Speaking of inflated ....", said Tall Goodlooking Guy, launching into an anecdote about inflated things. Peals of sandwich colored laughter rang out through the room. A good time was being had by all.

All except Sad Little Bald Guy. He was dejected. Collecting his unicycle and sword and restoring his glasses to their previously dominating position, he went outside and sat on the Subway steps. And it was there that I found him staring into the distance, wordlessly looking at people with hair and without glasses. And I couldn't bear to see him sad, man. I stroked his bald head and folded him up to take him back home with me. I wanted to feed him and clothe him and tell him everything would be alright with the world. I put him in my car and locked the trunk because he started to scream.

He is still in my trunk. It's not yet time to feed him and clothe him. He should be okay, even though he still won't have hair.


ether said...

That's a tad too morbid.

Poignant but

Anurag said...

When will you let me out of the trunk? I can barely type.

gawker said...

fingers : really? i thought the image of a short bald guy riding a unicycle and bleeding from the mouth was damn funny.

anurag : ask the short bald guy lying beside you to help you type.

Anonymous said...

Can I borrow the sad little man to put up a show for my local subway? They really need all the help they can get to drum up some business. Can the bald man sing and dance (I am thinking of a bollywood musical here)?

RobRoy said...

Watch out, those sad little bald guys get attached pretty easily, then you can never get rid of them!

J. Alfred Prufrock said...

Explain clearly, please. Do you mean I won't get service at the local Subway, or do you mean I'm invisible?

In the meantime, let my twin out of your trunk.
Did you hear me? Let my twin out of your trunk!


Anonymous said...

In a fortuitous turn of events, I chanced upon your blog today. Was most entertained. Hope you don't mind if I come by often :=)

gawker said...

robroy : nah, they just follow the food. youi stop feeding them, they go to your neighbour.

JAP : it means you can get rid of the sword and the unicycle in your pants now 'cause they are useless. Also, quit going out for lunch with good looking friends. Actually, you know what, just start cooking at home.

anonymous : thank you. sure. but bring your own food 'cause I ain't feeding you.

Unknown said...

well wht to say.....just felt pathetic at the sad little bald guy......why does prescence /abscence of hair is such a big thing......despite being good in 99 things in the world u won't score a single point in the dating circuit if u r not good looking.....n u can be areatrd,a serial killer ,most fucked up person in this world but if u r handsome u will never be in shortage of chicks who will do anything to have ur hard luck dear sad little bald man.....