California

What is up with you California? I thought you had more brains than this. Have you been hanging around the wrong kids again?

Be gone

You might think I am overdoing it, but I am deadly serious. I never ever want to see Sarah Palin again. Not on tv. Not on the internet as a picture or a smileyface. Not even in the sky as a cloud resembling her bangs. I do not want her name to be uttered in anecdote or joke form, at least while I am in the vicinity. If you wish to refer to her aloud in conversation, you would do well to code it in a manner such that I fail to interpret it to be her name. Using piglatin, spelling it out incorrectly or using sign language is highly recommended. I want each and every pair of Sarah Palin eyeglasses in each and every novelty store destroyed and the store disinfected with heavy duty bleach. I want you to start using the letter "g" at the end of every progressive verb and stop winking into the camera, were you to find yourself in such a situation. When I type in "Sarah Palin" into Google, I want to see zero search results and Google to ask me, "Did you mean Saree Wearing". Towards that end, this post has been programmed to self-destruct in 3...2.....1.

*gone*

Al Franken update

Al Franken is a mere 2,000 votes behind with 90% votes counted. It's still a race.

The Onion

...did not waste a minute.

Continued

Al Franken is still in the race. With 80% reporting, he is only 5000 votes behind. I hope he wins. I am really rooting for him. Both these blogs probably owe their existence to Al Franken. And that's not just the vodka talking.

It's a beautiful day

I deleted this post. It didn't sound right. If you're quick, it might still be in the feed somewhere. Stupid vodka.

Viva La Revolucion.

Election Night

7:47 : So to recap what's been happening till now, McCain has swallowed up Kentucky. Vermont, sweet sweet Vermont has acquiesced to being tenderly spooned by Obama. Obama supporters are gathering in Chicago in anticipation of the giant cataclysmic orgasm that he has promised them tonight. On CNN, Wolf Blitzer already shuddered to a satisfying climax when the brand new CNN gadget allowed a field reporter to be holographically beamed into the studio.

McCain is leading in Indiana 51 to 48 but the blue areas of the state haven't been counted yet. Obama is leading massively in Florida 58 to 42 with 11% counted.

7:57 : South Carolina goes to McCain.

7:59 : New England (except New Hampshire and Rhode Island), Illinois, New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland and DC have been called for Obama. Oklahoma and Tennessee go to McCain.

8:07 : Obama is killing in Orlando, FL. I guess Donald Duck hates America.

I hadn't planned on live blogging tonight but there is little else to do during Wolf Blitzer's bathroom breaks.

8:10 : Obama is leading 60% to 40% in North Carolina with 4% counted. These numbers don't mean shit. But I just saw them on tv.

8:18 : Florida is closing up with 30% counted. Obama leads 53 to 47.

8:20 : Eh? Apparently ABC, NBC and MSNBC have already called Pennsylvania for Obama. Does this mean I won't get drunk tonight?

8:24 : Philly mayor Nutter is leaning out of his car moonroof, saying tonight is historic. PA really appears to be decided for Obama.

8:29 : My old hood, lovely New Hampshire has been called for Obama. Sen. McCain has reportedly opened his first bottle of Xanax.

Call this a hunch but I think this is going to be a landslide. But don't quote me on that.

8:37 : Obama maintains lead in Florida and North Carolina. CNN is calling Pennsylvania for Obama now. I am proud of my state. Chicago is beginning to smell blood.

8:43 : They are showing McCain headquarters. Some old guy just began to sing on stage. He doesn't look familiar. Must be one of them country music boys.

8:46 : McCain's senior campaign advisor just gave what appeared to be a concession speech on NBC.

8:49 : Obama is still ahead in Florida 52 to 48. I failed to note how much had been counted. I would have made a horrible reporter.

8:53 : I don't know if this means anything to ya'll but Republican Elizabeth Dole has been defeated in her race for the North Carolina senatorial seat. The reason this is significant is because Dole ran a campaign accusing her opponent, Democrat Kay Hagan of being "Godless" and hobnobbing with "atheists". And she lost. In North Carolina.

8:56 : The Republican campaign manager in Delaware county, PA is refusing to believe PA is lost for McCain. He wishes to wait for more numbers to come in. I applaud his optimism and wish him a safe ride to his home, where he is no doubt expecting to find a beautiful woman waiting for him in bed who will turn out to be a heiress to a billion dollar fortune, none of which was invested in Wall Street.

9:01 : CNN calls New York, Minnesota, Wisconsin and Rhode Island for Obama.

9:03 : Obama leads McCain 174 to 49. 270 Gives you the presidency.

9:05 : Obama supporters gathered in Chicago have now begun to shed various articles of attire and dance in a sensual suggestive manner in preparation for the massive orgy of hedonistic celebration that is expected to commence in a few hours.

9:08 : Arkansas goes to McCain. No word yet on whether McCain has accepted it.

9:10 : Alabama walks over and joins Arkansas on the McCain side. Sen. McCain pretends not to notice. It's about time, he grumbles under his breath.

9:12 : Georgia goes to McCain. Indiana has remained steady with McCain leading Obama 52 to 48 with 60% counted. Not sure if Indy and Gary votes have been accounted for yet. Florida looks like it is going to Obama with 50% counted already. If Florida goes to Barack, the night is over.

9:18 : New Hampshire gets a democratic governor. So does Nevada.

9:21 : Don't know how I missed Michigan. Okay let's do this again. Michigan goes for Obama.

9:22 : Obama is leading majorly in Ohio. Also in Antarctica. And the planet Zocon.

9:24 : Over at McCain headquarters, Hank Williams is singing a song without a melody. Wolf Blitzer just walked off claiming to have a major projection for us when we return after the break. This could be it.

9:27 : McCain's campaign advisor is blaming everything on the Republican party. And you can too. Go ahead, compile a list of all your recent transgressions and blame them all on the GOP.

9:33 : Ohio goes to Obama. It is over. America will have its first black President ever. This blog is now calling the election for President-Elect Barack Obama.

9:35 : Virginia is closing up 50 to 50. I guess Fake Virginia votes are now coming in. This is gonna be a washout.

9:40 : CNN's John King is now picking random states, trying to find a way for McCain to still win this election. Don't bother, John.

9:42 : John King admitted defeat. He could only muster up 259 electoral votes. He then exhorted people on the West Coast to go out there and vote vote vote *cough* for McCain *cough* so as to keep this circus going till the crack of dawn.

9:46 : I am going to Fox News with a cup in which I shall gather Brit Hume's tears.

9:52 : New Mexico. Obama. Muchas gracias amigos.

Dinner Break. Back in 10.

10:20 : Iowa Obama. Texas McCain.

10:22 : Democrat Al Franken is leading Republican Norm Coleman 44 to 39 in Minnesota for the senatorial seat. The reason for my interest in this particular race is because Al Franken is the guy who first piqued my interest in US politics through his excellent book "Lies and the Lying Liars who tell them". It's a really great funny book. I'm not lying. I hope he wins.

10:29 : Turns out white people like Obama. Perhaps they like me too.

10:32 : Obama is still leading in Florida with 72% counted. I think once he is done with being president he could move down there and rule as an Afro-Jewish warlord.

10:39 : Things have quieted down a bit in the CNN newsroom, allowing John King some leisure time to play with his high-tech gizmos. Campbell Brown looks on approvingly.

10:42 : Karl Rove's flesh folds are on Fox News right now. Not sure what they are saying.

10:58 :Virginia goes to Obama. This is historic. This is huge.

10:59 : CNN projects President Barack Obama.

Good job people. You deserve it.

And by you, I mean John McCain and Sarah Palin.

Time now to go and gloat on the right wing blogs.

Over and out.

11:25 : Alright I am back.

11:26 : McCain is giving his concession speech. Says, "I don't know what I could have done to run a better campaign." Hmm...let me count the number of ways....

11:27 : Is it me or is Cindy McCain totally color blind?

11:28 : Bye bye Sarah Palin. You were a nice little footnote in American history. A great diversion, thankfully short-lived. Hopefully we will never hear from you ever again.

Four years ago, as I was watching the proceedings of the 2004 Democratic convention, this skinny black guy no one knew walked up to the podium and delivered the keynote address. I did not know who this guy was but boy, did he grab me with his words, style and demeanour. The moment his speech ended, I turned to my wife and said to her, "Listen to me wife and listen to me good for what I say to you is the truth and nothing but. This man is going to be the next president of the US". True story.

11:47 : McCain was gracious in his concession. But it didn't fly with me. Hopefully Obama is a better man than I am. Now we are waiting for Obama to speak.

11:51 : Throngs of people have gathered outside the White House. Perhaps many of them are under the impression that Barack will be moving in today itself. Someone in the White House is feeling mighty unloved.

11:57 : President-Elect Barack Obama is on stage. We are officially in the future.

12:08 : Obama : "I will listen to you, especially when we disagree."

And so it begins.

What will it be?

Viva La Revolucion or Viva Viagra?

If we are lucky, we will know in 5 hours.

Do not vote

I have never really grasped this popular concept that the act of "voting" is noble in itself. Come election season, people keep telling each other to go out there and vote, no matter who they vote for. In fact, I just saw Obama do that. He went on the tv and asked viewers to make sure that they vote tomorrow, even if it was for McCain. Why would Obama say that? How would somebody voting for McCain be good for Obama? When he is out campaigning, Obama asks people to vote for him. But those are just his supporters. Shouldn't he also reach out to the other side of the aisle and tell McCain supporters that it would be best if they just stayed home?

The fact is, voting is highly overrated. Voting has been put up on a pedestal. Everybody runs around saying voting is good for democracy. I say fuck democracy, voting is only good if it is serving the country and its people. And the country and its people would be best served if only those who were about to vote for the better candidate did so while everybody else stayed home and played monopoly. Just like cholesterol, there is good voting and bad voting. The purpose of voting is to elect the better candidate. If everybody voted, including supporters of the crappy candidate, how would that be beneficial for the country?

Saying that everybody voting in an election is good for the country is like having two guys in a toilet, one taking dumps at regular intervals, the other flushing away the mess and telling both of them they are doing a wonderful job and to keep at it because it is this combination of shitting and flushing that is keeping the democracy of the toilet in a state of vibrancy. But really, let's be honest here, the shitter's not helping at all. He's just an impediment to the general hygiene of the toilet. In fact, it would be better for everybody concerned if the shitter were to quit shitting so that the flusher could be of any benefit to society by returning the toilet to its state of turdless equilibrium.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that if you are a McCain supporter and you are thinking of voting for John McCain just because you feel obligated to do so, because you feel it is your duty as a responsible citizen to vote, then please don't. You'll only be causing grievous harm to the process. Don't listen to those jackasses who are trying to emotionally blackmail you into voting. Trust me, you would be performing a huge service for your country if you did not vote. I would also say that people like me who are not eligible to vote should do their bit by trying to dissuade their friends from voting who they know are gonna vote for John McCain.

Tomorrow's an important day. If you are a resident of the US and if you are a McCain supporter, please do your part and stay home. And if you are an Obama supporter, keep as many McCain supporters from voting as you can. That is what the founding fathers would have wanted you to do. To hell with democracy. Democracy gave us George W. Bush. Let's try something different this time.

I'm still awake. The Fox29 people just said good night and fuck off already but my tv is still on in the hopes of seeing someone somewhere still talking about the Phillies World Series win. Let's see if ESPN is still talking about the World Series. No, ESPN has an Obama ad on. Fuck the election. Who the heck cares about the economy, the war and the possibility of having to give up my home to my bank and living on the street? Not me. Cause it is Phillies night. Fox is still showing highlights of the win even though the anchors have departed and are quite possibly fornicating in the green room. They are a sexy horny bunch. My bottle of Jack is down to its last three gulps. I am still awake. I'll probably have to go downstairs to get some beer.

I wish I lived in metro Philly. I would have loved to go outside and set a few SUVs on fire. But as it stands right now, I live in the suburbs where people have garages and fire extinguishers and therefore, I shall have to be satisfied with listening to fireworks from a distance. Although some jackass did drive by my home honking his car horn. Also, I could hear drunk people in the townhouse across the street who appeared to be very happy. Yeah, here in the suburbs, we support the Phillies too in our sheltered pusillanimous way. Perhaps I shall indeed attend the Phillies victory parade wearing my new World Series cap as was suggested.

Anyways, I'll drink the rest of the Jack, wait till everybody on tv stops talking about the Phillies and then go to sleep. I will see you tomorrow.

All of metropolitan Philadelphia is out on the streets right now. The temperature is almost down to freezing. People are screaming and jumping around like maniacs. Police are standing by on building terraces in case the city decides to burn itself to the ground. It is a crazy scene at Broad and Oregon.

After Lidge got the final strike out, I jumped up and hit the ceiling. Then I raised my face to the heavens and let out a yell. Then I went outside, raised my face to the real heavens, not the ceiling and let out another yell. It was exciting to yell with a purpose rather than just yell randomly as I have been doing till now. I doubt anyone in Philadelphia and its suburbs is going to sleep tonight.

The fans in the stadium booed commissioner Bud Selig as he was handing out the trophy tonight. They don't forgive and forget, these Philadelphians. I think this city is insane. This is what the Inquirer is reporting right now :

Fans outside Citizens Bank Park in Lot M at Pattison Avenue and Darien Street were breaking bottles on cars and attempting to light an SUV on fire 40 minutes after the final pitch in the Phillies first World Series win in 28 years. Police quickly arrived and started to disperse the crowd. The crowd started mixing it up with the police. By then, the crowd had also completely overturned a green Ford Explorer.

Yeah, even our hooligans are environmentally conscious. When they need to celebrate something, the first thought that crosses their mind is, "Goddamn, I gotta get myself a gas-guzzling, greenhouse gas emitting SUV to overturn and incinerate."

Area stores are already ready with World Series Championship merchandise to sell. I've been needing a cap for a while now. I did not buy it. I decided to wait for the 2008 Phillies World Series Championship cap to come out. I knew it was a long shot, but my patience and confidence paid off. Tomorrow I go buy myself that cap. I think I'm not gonna get any sleep tonight.

So how about them Phillies?

Your turn to win it all now, Barack.

Surprising factoid of the day

Two of my colleagues, both staunch Republicans, have confided to me that John McCain's pick of Sarah Palin as his vice president convinced them to vote for Barack Obama.

I guess Americans are not as batshit insane as McCain was counting on them to be.

Ganesha-shaped growth

Here is a nice link to start off your day. It talks about a guy from New York, Sam Lal, who made horto-theological history by managing to cultivate the Hindu God Ganesha in his backyard. It turns out that a flower in his backyard assumed the form of an elephant's head and trunk which he immediately recognized as the popular deity.This flower deity then went ahead and cured him of all his ills including some kind of spine ailment.

It must be admitted, however, that Sam Lal reached the conclusion that this elephant shaped flower in his backyard was actually Ganesha only after a rigorous examination of the facts. "For it to have that long trunk like this is not a natural thing," he said, speaking from experience as a person usually surrounded by short things.

With this month of October being uncommonly cold, Lal is now protecting Ganesha from the frosty nights by covering Him with the "shimmering translucent veil of the Heavenly Apsaras flanking Lord Shiva on each side as He meditates high atop Mount Kailash", or what is colloquially known as plastic foil.

(Above : Sam Lal, respectfully reaching out to grab Ganesha's trunk)

But Sam Lal is a generous man who is not possessive about his home-grown Gods. He has thrown open his backyard to fellow Flower Pilgrims. One of them, Hansannie Singh, of Queens, on being confronted with the Ganesha Flower said, "I'm amazed - I actually got goosebumps when I saw it." Unfortunately for Hansannie Singh, not a single one of those goosebumps resembled a Hindu deity.

Another believer Kris Ram, snapped cellphone pictures of the flower God. Immediately thereafter, his cellphone was rid of its intermittent bizarre behavior where it would make a "ringing" noise , followed by a human like voice saying what appeared to be "howl howl". "This is really happening", said Kris Ram, "Ganesha cured my cellphone. Now I can snap pictures in peace".

Uddit Patel, 17, said the flower definitely made him a believer. "I was astounded," he said. "It's proof there is a God". Refusing to rest on his laurels, Patel later went on to prove how the existence of flowers that do not look like Ganesha prove that there is no God. His cousin, Deepesh Patel, 25, was similarly ecstatic. "I'll never see anything like this in my lifetime," he said. "Oh wait, what is that, is that...bread? In sliced form? I never thought I would see anything like that in my lifetime."

The amazing plant story has been picked up by news media around the world, particularly in India, home to 1 billion Hindus, who reacted by saying, "Whaaa? So this Ganesha-shaped rock that I've been worshiping all this time wasn't really Him?"

And then

And now the cops are in northeastern Philly. They are here to arrest the two thousand or so Philadelphians who are out on the streets. The loyal residents of this city are now celebrating this great victory in the proper manner by climbing onto light poles and signboards. This is how Philadelphians express joy. Not by giving each other hugs and high fives but by attempting to scale the highest point in the vicinity of where joy was experienced.

As I watch from the Fox29 chopper, I see a few people performing calisthenics on the street, using this activity as an outlet for their happiness. It is heartwarming to see health-consciousness intrude even upon such a momentous occasion. And they call Philadelphia one of the most obese cities in the US. To that, I say pah. Pah to you, sir. I say, before you call us obese, get on a fucking chopper and watch us perform calisthenics in the middle of the night just because we won the fucking pennant.

The Fox29 reporter informs us that she has a bunch of beer in her hair. She also adds that she heard somewhere that beer is good for her hair. Perhaps that is what is keeping her from sucking it out.

The crowds on the street are now increasing in number. Fox29 is telling me that people are getting rowdier and bottles are being thrown. Now the police are asking me to shut off my tv in order to avoid encouraging the crowd from performing for the camera. I did not know Philadelphians valued my attention so much. Behave, Philly. Now I know why our sports teams haven't won anything for a long time. It's a conspiracy by law enforcement authorities to keep us from rioting and destroying our own homes.

Win-win

The Philadelphia Phillies won the final presidential debate against John McCain. Sarah Palin flied out to catcher Carlos Ruiz on the final play of the game and then everything went crazy and everybody ran out of the dugout and then there was champagne and video cameras covered with plastic foil and tears of happiness and beautiful MVPs accepting trophies. Firecrackers exploded in the dead of the night and tequila was injected into the bloodstream.

In other news, Barack Obama is going to the baseball World Series.

Poorhouse

Today I kept seeing the news of the stock market crash on CNN on my way to the sports section. Don't judge me, the Phillies begin their seven game journey to the World Series today. So they say that the stock market has crashed and burned. Today the DOW Jones fell below 9000, whatever that means. I remember those days of above 10,000 DOW with sad nostalgia as if it were yesterday. But what does this mean for the average person? Am I gonna lose my job? Am I gonna be poor? What will I eat? I decided to test the edibility of various things I might have to eat when I am poor. I found a packet of Burger King onion ring sauce on my bookshelf. It's been here for a while. I tore it open and sucked it down. It tasted of stale oil but when you got past the taste, it was quite filling. Ten of those per day should provide me with the necessary vitamins and folic acid to lead a relatively non-toxic life.

I checked my 401K balance yesterday. The pretty lady on CNN advised me not to because she said she was concerned about my cardiac health. But it's like watching a car wreck on the highway, I had to do it regardless of the warnings. After checking the numbers and doing some calculations, I discovered that I am getting a 401K personal return of -47% on my investments. I guess what it means is that for each dollar I invest, I get to keep 53 cents. It seems like a good deal until you consider the fact that if I had kept that money under the mattress instead, I could have kept the entire dollar for myself. Plus it would have removed the wrinkles from those bills.

But there is a silver lining to the ominous clouds of terror gathering on the economic horizon. My new home has apparently increased in value. After dropping like a stone from the moment I bought it, my home value has not only regained its original loss but also climbed up an additional two thousand dollars in the past two months. Hopefully it means that my walls are slowly turning into gold or something. In which case, I will probably tear them down, melt them into gold bullion (which is easier to hoard) and plant new walls. It is indeed a blessing that walls are a sustainable natural resource.

The VP debate

My thoughts here.

Okay then.

Beginning tomorrow, politics will return to its former home.

What Biden ought to say

What Joseph Biden ought to say tonight during the debate.

God that was cathartic.

Update : Also, a slideshow on how Biden is preparing for his debate. (via ggop in comments).