And now the cops are in northeastern Philly. They are here to arrest the two thousand or so Philadelphians who are out on the streets. The loyal residents of this city are now celebrating this great victory in the proper manner by climbing onto light poles and signboards. This is how Philadelphians express joy. Not by giving each other hugs and high fives but by attempting to scale the highest point in the vicinity of where joy was experienced.
As I watch from the Fox29 chopper, I see a few people performing calisthenics on the street, using this activity as an outlet for their happiness. It is heartwarming to see health-consciousness intrude even upon such a momentous occasion. And they call Philadelphia one of the most obese cities in the US. To that, I say pah. Pah to you, sir. I say, before you call us obese, get on a fucking chopper and watch us perform calisthenics in the middle of the night just because we won the fucking pennant.
The Fox29 reporter informs us that she has a bunch of beer in her hair. She also adds that she heard somewhere that beer is good for her hair. Perhaps that is what is keeping her from sucking it out.
The crowds on the street are now increasing in number. Fox29 is telling me that people are getting rowdier and bottles are being thrown. Now the police are asking me to shut off my tv in order to avoid encouraging the crowd from performing for the camera. I did not know Philadelphians valued my attention so much. Behave, Philly. Now I know why our sports teams haven't won anything for a long time. It's a conspiracy by law enforcement authorities to keep us from rioting and destroying our own homes.
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