Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Not good

Not good, not good at all. The guy living next door to me, it turns out that he is in a band. And not only that, he likes to indulge in jamming sessions with his fellow band members in his basement. Sadly, they aren't one of those boy bands because a bunch of pretty men doing aerobics and lip syncing to a boom box, that wouldn't have been so bad, in fact, it would have been kinda relaxing for no particular reason. But these guys that I have here, man, they are the real deal. They have drums and they use guitars, one of which is the bass guitar. Anyone who has played a bass guitar in a confined space is probably aware that when a bass guitar is played in a confined space, it does not remain confined within that space but also leaks into and fills up the space adjacent to it. That space would be my space.

And so it went down sunday afternoon. It started out with a dull thud thudding. At first, I thought that my neighbor was banging on my wall to ask me to turn my television down because historically, that is what that thud thudding sound has usually meant wherever I have lived. So I turned down the volume on my tv. But the thudding got worse and it turned out to be drumming and not just drumming but actual arrhythmic drumming on a drum and I would know, being a pretty arrhythmic drummer myself. It was then that the bass guitar began its introductory riff and I don't remember the rest of what I was thinking because I couldn't hear my thoughts. I had a hushed conference with my wife. We were actually yelling, but it was hushed compared to the bass guitar. I asked my wife for confirmation. "Can you hear me think?", I asked her. She couldn't, so obviously it wasn't just me. Those fuckers were really very loud.

Thing is, the previous owners told me that my next door neighbor was a carpenter and if I ever had any issues with wood, of which I have a lot because let's just say, me and fucking wood, we have a lot of unresolved animosities to work out, to go ask him for help. No one said anything about heavy metal. Well maybe this would be a good time to request him to build me some wooden earmuffs. And a wooden hammer to hit myself on the head with when the bass guitar starts to riff. And a wooden plow would be nice too because I am planning to grow tomatoes in the spring. And someday maybe he could chop me up some wood for my fireplace. Ah a warm crackling fireplace. Just the thing you need to get drunk with when a bass guitar is wiping the floor with your brain.

But hopefully it's just a sunday thing and and maybe, with that arrhythmic drummer that they have, they won't be tasting any major commercial success anytime soon. Or maybe, on the other hand, I could join their band as a backup drummer and help them achieve stardom. I have a choice to make here.


Anonymous said...

Just change the apartment... No wait ! You cant do that. Since youjust bought the house. How funny !

zambezi said...

fucking hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!

gawker said...

it's ironic. i wouldnt say it is funny. maybe just a bit. but not enough to qualify as hilarious. anyways, i'll probably write a song about it.

Anonymous said...

Wait for the summer. Then, when they start playing, you can turn on your lawnmower. That should drown out everything :)

Unknown said...

I'm with zambezi here.

ROFL-worthy. :)

deepthi vinod said...

ha ha i hear you..join as their manager and say lets give out ear buds to guys around first, to make the band popular.....luck

Anonymous said...

Have you ever been in close proximity to a budding over-enthusiastic Saxophone player? Its a creepy raspy noise that makes every single hair on your spine stand on its end and whips up your brain into a thick gooey pudding. I'll take arrythmic drums and base guitars anytime. Thank you!!

KP said...


u are a lucky guy dood

i am movin in next door to add to the noise

"Its a beautiful day in the neighborhood and i hope i din ruin your day" - Ugly Kid Joe

CAR said...

You must try this.

An engineer never quits. This decision is already made.

RobRoy said...

Maybe you should get one of those Guitar Hero or Band Hero games I hear so much about. Then, invest in a large speaker system, and when they start jamming, you jam right back.

Then: Battle of the Bands!

gawker said...

lekhni : Unfortunately, their lawnmower is bigger than mine.

TGFI : If you've been with zambezi I guess its time for a tetanus shot.

tachi : Yes, I know many people who would listen to any band if they knew they would be getting free ear plugs.

lonestar : At least the saxophonist would have to stop playing when he is short of breath.

kappa : Yes I am lucky because at least there is a wall between us.

car : Yes, I will wait for the sound inverter to come on the market.

robroy : Instead, maybe I could just turn up the volume on my tv when Chris Berman is on. That could be as irritating as a loud bass guitar.

Anonymous said...

We had this problem with an idiot next door who thought he was Eric Clapton but in truth hadn't a clue. We've a very broad range of musical tastes, so no problem with looking out a few cd's we knew he'd hate and playing them loud, loud, loud every time he started. And I mean LOUD, no quarter given (we wore earplugs and sat in another room. lol) while the strains of a Bulgarian women's choir screeched their way through the wall, followed by lots of other acquired taste type music.

Result? He stopped, we stopped, all was peaceful and quiet. But hey, he started again next day, so did we, and the day after and the day after ... until the happy day came when he gave up and we never heard him again. He moved out soon afterwards. Someone probably had to go, but it wasn't going to be us.

I recommend this method, but you will need earplugs.lol