It appears that sometime between my last linker error on friday evening and my first unhandled software exception on monday morning, I was nominated for an IndiBloggie award in the humor category. Both my blogs, as a matter of fact. I guess the jurors didn't want to cause sibling rivalry and bloodshed. (Which is pretty fortunate for you, goose egg, since the renegade of junk would have smacked your ass and then handed it back to you.)
These nominations, like well-designed enemas, give me great pleasure as well as simultaneous excruciating pain. The pain will follow from my sure shot miserable performance in this contest. And the Indiebloggies have this habit of rubbing it into the losers of the competition by providing extensive numerical information on how badly they got whipped. Like, they will say, blogger A won the category with 95 percent of the votes. Sometimes, they will even add an "LOL" or a "ROTFLMAO", depending on the extent of humiliation. And therein lies the source of the rectal pain.
Secondly, the other nominees for this category include the great bong. Now if you've been a follower of the Indian blogosphere, you will know greatbong as he who, if he had been blogging then and had decided to run for president in 2000, might have taken Florida away from both Bush and Gore. Resistance is, therefore, futile. Furthermore, after doing some quick blog-traffic-based calculation, it would be clear even to someone, say, from Texas, that it wouldn't matter even if all of my readers voted for this blog (which they probably won't), as long as all of greatbong's readers vote for his blog (which they probably will).
My only recourse, therefore, is to ask all my readers to vote for greatbong. Not only might this gesture have a microscopically slim chance of inspiring greatbong to reciprocate in kind, but it would save the votes of my readers from being wasted. And wasting your vote is the worst thing you can do in a democracy, as my mother let me know in no uncertain terms ten years ago, when I participated in my first ever election and decided to vote for that obscure candidate no one knew just because I felt sorry for him.
Thirdly, I was saving my campaign finances for the upcoming Nobel prize competition because the Indiebloggies are all well and good, but they don't put food on the table for your family, whereas the Nobels not only provide food, but also a table to put it on, a house to put the table in and an island to build the house on. And I do have a couple of great ideas this year.
Fourthly, the Indiebloggies caught me at a bad time. I should have been nominated when I was at the peak of my blogging career, which was that day about a few months ago when I wrote that really great post and got all those comments. Now, I feel like a pajama-clad housewife with acne and a fever with all her clothes in the washer who just got a call from her husband that he is bringing all his office friends over for a party in twenty minutes. I do not have any clothes to wear, and no time to put on make-up. That was just an analogy, by the way. I am still a man.
So basically in conclusion, I would encourage all of you to go vote for greatbong and maybe if I don't get a single vote, when the contest is over, they might be compassionate enough to not put up the trouncing figures for this category. Thank you in advance, jurors.
Also, if you are one of those undecided voters and would like additional clarification on why you should vote for greatbong and not me, here are some of my favorite posts from my blog. And now you know why.
By the way, just to be serious for a second, whoever nominated my blogs, I appreciate the gesture deeply. It is nice to know that you have readers who would actually spare the time and effort to do something like that.
Thank you. Really.