Sunday, February 11, 2007

Rigor Mortis

We bought a new carpet for our apartment. So we rolled up our old carpet and left it in the dining room. The problem is that the rolled up carpet looks a lot like a rolled up corpse. And so, every time it twitches, it feels like the corpse inside the carpet is coming to life. I can't go on living in fear like this. I need to throw it into the dumpster and wipe my fingerprints off it. But it's too cold outside, it's freezing. On the other hand, if I continue to procrastinate, rigor mortis might set in and it will become more difficult for me to dispose of the body. You know what, fuck it, it may be 2:00 am and I may be drunk from Sam Daniels, but I think I'm gonna go throw out my carpet. I can't live with a dead body in my apartment.

My new carpet looks gorgeous. Good job, wife.

I went to an Irish bar today.
Half and half : Guinness with Harp Lager
Black and tan : Guinness with Bass Ale
Blacksmith : Guinness with Smithwick Ale
Car Bomb : Guinness with Baileys Irish Cream and Jameson's Whiskey

Being a card-carrying member of the IRA, I ordered the car bomb.

They brought me the Guinness in a glass and the bomb in a shot glass. This was perplexing because unlike the other concoctions, they brought this one in two separate glasses. It raised questions as to the proper method of its consumption. I had no idea what the fuck to do. Should I drink the shot and then drink the Guinness? Should I throw the shot glass in the Guinness? Should I pour the shot glass in the Guinness and drink the mixture?

I decided on option three. And the cream from the Baileys coagulated and formed blobs of shit on top of the Guinness and Ireland began to laugh. Fuck you Ireland, said I, and drank it all up. It's all going to the liver anyways.

I think Option one was the correct option to follow.

By the way, Sam Daniels = Sam Adams (1 bottle) + Jack Daniels (1 shot glass). All rights reserved.


Anonymous said...

lol@Rigor Mortis....what color is the new carpet?? Yeah, I know call me a weirdo but am one of those weirdos who likes to know what color carpet ppl use , coz its such a tough choosin a color AND THEN i dont want to be stuch with a wrong choice of color plus, i wud want to compare :D

zambezi said...

fucking alcoholic

Kimberly El-Sadek said...

First you knock back the shot of whiskey, then you drop the shot glass of Bailey's into the pint of Guiness and then you chug it before it curdles. A complete waste of a properly drawn pint of Guiness in my opinion.

gawker said...

chips : Let me clarify something first because I think I used the wrong word here. I purchased a rug, not a carpet so I don't know if I gave an impression of having ripped up the entire carpeting from my apartment, replacing it with my own. I didn't do that because the apartment people would probably throw me out.

As to the rug, it is black in color with various flowery designs in brown.

zambezi : Pot, meet kettle.

lumi : Actually they had already mixed the whiskey and Irish cream in the shot.

Anonymous said...

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The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

what lumi said is how you consume irish car bombs. i like to see what it does to people after that.

shakester said...

forgive me, but sam adams? (myself jaahil gawar,it would seem).

gawker said...

TGFI : It empties the wallet is what it does to people.

shakester : Thanks, yes, Samuel Adams, one of the best mass produced beers in the US. My favorite one actually.

Anonymous said...

Rather traumatizing, this car bomb. I remember having to drag my girlfriend across a seemingly mile long parking lot, while she puked all over the place. I also had an empty wallet, by the time she was done. think I need therapy.