Monday, April 16, 2007

Morbid monday

For those of you who were not able to discern the connection between an Indian driving license and the fatness of a wallet, an Indian driving license, unlike an American one, is a pamphlet of sorts, containing as many pages as, say, the Bible, without all those sections on sodomy and bestiality. Or, to be fair to the Christians, as thick as the Bhagvad Gita with sodomy and bestiality thrown in. Or the Koran with ... I forgot what I was going to say.

Speaking of Christianity, there are a few drawbacks to not being a follower of this religion in this country. For example, if you've asked your boss for a day off on Good Friday and work piles up through the week leading up to Friday and your boss wishes she hadn't given you the day off, the fact that you are not a Christian works against you. Because when your boss calls you on thursday and says, you know what gawker, can you work tomorrow, she is able to do so, being armed with the knowledge that you definitely did not have any Crucifixion re-enactments scheduled for that day. And you, being a non-Christian, cannot provide any valid rationale for taking the day off despite the request.

And so, I postponed my Good Friday vacation to be consummated on Morbid Monday. That is, today. But when I woke up this morning, I knew it was not going to be a nice relaxing morbid day for me. First of all, when I looked outside, expecting to see grass and flowers and pregnant trees, I saw snow instead. Snow in April. As a rule I like solid precipitation but having snow in April is like going Bigfoot hunting and finding the Abominable Snowman instead. Sure the Snowman is nice and hairy and as terrifying but you were really in the mood for some Big Feet.

Ok, so snow it was. And not only was there snow, there were train cancellations and downed power lines. So the assignment of dropping Mrs Gawker off at the train station ultimately turned into a project to drive her to her workplace, an hour's drive one-way. Actually, the drive wasn't too bad. The Amish have maintained this part of the country really well, God bless their horse-drawn souls.

Anyways, I have decided to spend the day drinking home made car bombs. When I went to buy the ingredients, I decided to get this Irish whiskey one of my office colleagues had recommended me, saying it doesn't give you hangovers or drunk weeping fits. So I went to the liquor store and asked the guy, do you have tellamordor?

He looked at me like I was a hobbit.

Uh...I said, uncertainty creeping in... telemurder?

Do you mean Tullamore Dew, the clerk asked me with the gentleness one usually reserves for the mentally incapacitated.

Yes, that's it, I said. Give.

So anyways, now the power is back on and I checked my freezer and none of my ice cubes appear to have melted. It's probably because I made them from Deer Park spring water from Maine and Maine water is the best. It's got something to do with the deer urine.

And now, on with the car bombs.


Anonymous said...

the address for your local Alcoholics Anonymous chapter. you can call them for timings.

444 N 3rd STREET
Main: (215) 923-7900

and YES!!!I am a truely jobless moron. But a kind one.


Swathi Sambhani aka Chimera said...

lol@the first comment..

u sound just like calvin enjoying a day at home away from school, and replace car bombs with 'sugar' bombs and bingo!

btw, that sure sounds like some drink, need to check it out before I leave this place.

Anonymous said...

Have been a lurker for some time, but never commented.

How long has it been since your last visit to Pune? My licence (issued six years ago) is not a booklet but a normal card licence. Recently an even newer and even more improved smart card licence has been introduced along with a 1.5MB vehicle registration card. Very high tech. Next time you go back to Pune remember to upgrade.

gawker said...

S : I would go there, honest, but the police told me not to drink and drive.

chimera : Yes, they are awesome, add baileys irish cream to irish whiskey and drop the combination in a glass of guiness. Although since I didnt have Guiness, I stopped at the whiskey part. So this should actually be called a scooter bomb or a Bajaj Sunny bomb or something.

aditya : Welcome fellow Puneite. Yes the last time I got a license which was 10 years ago, they had the pamphlets. I am sure things have changed now as they have in other spheres of life, for example in buffets, I have been told, everytime you need to refill the plate, you have to get a new plate now US style.

Unknown said...

I am nor sure when u last saw a Indian driving license. Nowadays RTO gives one just like here in US. With watermarks and inbuilt chip and stuff.

Swathi Sambhani aka Chimera said...

i totally love Baileys I. cream - just with those cubes of ice n then eternal bliss follows! shall try the combo u suggested.

Anonymous said...

There are buffets in Pune?

shreya said...

what are car bombs?

Kimberly El-Sadek said...

Gawker: Great post...felt like I needed an ark today with all the rain. It was a free day off for me too, and tomorrow looks to be the same.

Slime: Yes there are buffets, I ate at three of them while there and they were quite good although two are not technically buffets because they come around to serve you, but it is all you can eat. The other you serve yourself but the buffet is only at lunch time.

Mohan said...

oops sorry. commented on the other post about plastic card Indian license before I had read the comments on this post :-)

RobRoy said...

Ignore the AA comments. AA is for quitters and you don't want to be a quitter, do you?

Being Scottish, I know for a fact that Irish Whiskey was invented by a little old lady outside of Edinburgh as a tea substitute. You should drink Scotch. When drinking Scotch, please drink responsibly. This means, never less than 12 years, only single-malt, and only from Glenfiddich, Glenlivet or Glenmorangie.

gawker said...

Vivek : I saw one today in my wallet but it was made 10 years ago. It is good to know that current drivers do not have to carry around a tattered red license book like me.

chimera : Yeah Irish cream is great. And the best part is you can drink an entire bottle in a single sitting. That's also the worst part.

bhad : there are wedding buffets no?

shreya : you mix half a shot of irish cream with half a shot of jameson whiskey, throw the shot glass in a Guinness half pint and drink it before it curdles. Although I like it without the Guinness.

lumi : Thanks. It was a bad storm. We had a tree topple over in our apt complex.

mohan : Yes, I will try and get a new license next time I go home.

robroy : No, I am not a quitter, and even if I wanted to be one, I wouldn't be able to because I don't think I'd make it.

Ok I will drink Scotch henceforth. Can I add diet pepsi to it?

RobRoy said...

Diet Pepsi is not recommended by true Scotch drinkers who have killed unwary bartenders for adding ice to their drinks.

The Scots aren't nearly as violent as you Indians, except when it comes to drinking Scotch.

If you're going to order a Scotch and Diet Pepsi, I would suggest first making certain there are not Scots around. You can usually tell as they have their faces painted blue, carry cumbersome swords and answer most questions by yelling, "FREEEEEEDOMMMMM!"

Brown Magic said...

It always distresses me when people dispense with the Jameson and make do merely with baileys in not even a half pint of guiness. It's like - why bother?

also - lol @ everything robroy said.

Anonymous said...

Should I ask one more time what car bombs are? I love Irish car bombs .. and I like them with the Guiness around. Makes for memorable gulping.

gawker said...

robroy : I like my diet pepsi. Is there something I can wear like a clove of garlic or something that would keep the Scots away? Perhaps play a Michael Bolton record?

brown_magic : Not everyone has a keg of Guinness in their basement. Plus there's no room there with all those bodies, did I say bodies, I meant potatoes.

anya : Sure, ask away. And then robroy can take over to explain the evilness of Irish whiskey and why you should use Scotch and wear a kilt while drinking it.

RobRoy said...

gawker: Scots are notoriously tight-fisted, thus I would suggest drinking your Scotch and Pepsi at some kind of fund-raiser, or perhaps a puppy adoption.

anya; Irish car bombs are made by mixing orange juice with grapefruit juice. Those crazy Irish!