Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Why blogging was slow

Let me take a minute and talk about why I have been somewhat lax in my blogging for the past few weeks. Every two years in the life of a software company there arrives a trade show so essential to the very survival of the company and the drinking habits of its employees that everything else has to be nudged aside in its favor. Such a show arrives in Chicago next month and in the words of the President of my company, it is "the trough from which we all feed from and would you guys fucking hurry up because feeding time is almost over". Hence the relatively meagre literary output emanating from this blog.

I usually get sent to this show along with everybody else in the company but this year they are leaving me here and I think I know why. It is because of The Incident. What happened was, the last time I was in Chicago for the show, there was one night when indiscriminate post-show partying took place accompanied by an overindulgence in the malted fermented beverages. The party who was guilty of forcing overindulgence upon the rest of the crowd was a colleague who was leaving Chicago the next day whereas the rest of us would continue to hold the fort through the rest of the show.

And so the next morning when I woke up in my motel room at 7:00 am, I was shocked to discover that I continued to be in the exact same state of acute inebriation that had existed as I fell asleep, and this was not really suprising since I had fallen asleep a mere three hours earlier. Painfully, I brushed my teeth, showered and appeared downstairs for roll-call. The president of my company accosted me with a smile.

"Good morning gawker", he said, because it turns out gawker is also my real-life monicker. I really hate the word monicker. "How many company t-shirts do you own?" he asked.

I was puzzled. Was my shirt unironed? Was it dirty? From my perspective of apparel hygiene I thought it looked pretty good. Nevertheless, I said I had two of them.

"Would you like to have two more?" he asked.

"Sure", I said. Hey, whoever turns down free t-shirts is either obscenely rich or passionately nudist and I was neither.

"But there's one thing you need to do for me", continued the president.

Ah, there was a catch, I knew it. I wondered if it involved murder, sodomy or contact with animals. "What's that", I asked.

"You will have to shave", replied the president.

Navigating slowly through the foggy blur of intoxication in my mind was a gradual comprehension that the conversation I was currently participating in was less about free t-shirts and more about my unshaven chin and its possibly adverse impact on the software demonstrations I would soon be making.

" you want me to go back upstairs and shave?" I asked, thinking correctly that it was probably a smart thing to say.

"Yes, that would be great, thank you", said the president. He didn't specify when I would be receiving my new company t-shirts but I didn't press him on it. I ran upstairs if you can call crawling up a staircase "running". I shaved. And then I demo-ed the software for the next nine hours, gulping five gallons of water every five minutes. Somehow I got through the day in one piece. It was great.

But I won't be going to Chicago this year. It is sad because I will miss Chicago food and the monstrous portions of meat they serve in restaurants up there. They put you and the food inside a cage and then it's a duel to the death and whoever wins gets to devour the other. Have you ever been inside the stomach of a deep-dish pizza? It's not very pleasant.

Ah I should have shaved, goddamnit I really should have shaved.


Kimberly El-Sadek said...

My mom always told me not to drink at company functions or amongst fellow company employees. I have a limit of one alcoholic beverage in this situation to appear social and not like a teetotaler. However, because of my relatively sober state, I have observed many, many drunken incidents. Photographed a few, and the others served as blackmail in dire cases of need. Much more rewarding than a hangover.

Senthil said...

You mean you have to be clean-shaven while doing presentations? Damn. No wonder my career is not going so well.

On an aside, I love your blog. Chanced upon it yesterday, and read about twenty of your posts. I want to read more, but I need to go shave...

Bonatellis said...

i had been to one of 'em trade shows. in new orleans, bang in the middle of Mardi Gras.
such revelry i've never seen ...
can understand what you're missing.

Anonymous said...

Those darn presidents can be so unfairly demanding!

gawker said...

lumi : I am perhaps the most responsible alcoholic I know. Even after having had a few, I never lose sight of the fact that watching others make fools of themselves is always more rewarding than making a fool of yourself.

senthil : Thank you, I appreciate it. I think being too clean shaven has its drawbacks too. People think you're too young and don't take you seriously and ask for your ID when you are in a bar.

bonatellis : Yes, Chicago was the same except for the beads.

anjali : Yeah I know, and I didn't get my free t-shirts either.

Anonymous said...

"why can't we not be sober?
i just want to start this over.
And why cant we drink forever.
i just want to start this over.

i am just a worthless liar
i am just an imbecile...."

:-) you know the song....i guess


gawker said...

Ah, Tool : Undertow, one of my favorite albums of all time.

"why can't we not be sober?"

Indeed, why can't we? Stupid anti-alcoholist society.

RobRoy said...

Hence the reason why I have ceased shaving and now sport a very stylish goatee, mustache and mutton-chops.

Either they're back in style, or I've been watching too much "Pride and Prejudice" with the missus.

Anonymous said...

Especially liked "They put you and the food inside a cage and then it's a duel to the death and whoever wins gets to devour the other. "..ROTFL..