Friday, August 18, 2006

I am not dead yet but it was close

My inner voice , the one that is a plush baritone, sings in A minor and doesn't crack after a single yell, instructed me to write this post in order to inform any interested parties that I am still alive, well and gainfully employed.

Although I did almost perish today. The story goes that I woke up today morning and drove to work, and even though I had promised myself that I would not try and read any more car bumper stickers on the way, I relapsed and indulged in my addiction. Usually, reading the bumper sticker on the car you are tailgating is a fairly uneventful activity. You read the sticker and either smile at the "Don't blame me I voted for Kerry" sticker or frown at the "Bush Cheney 2004" sticker thinking goddamn not only are Republicans jackasses, they are also lazy sons of bitches, how about taking down that fucking thing already and I'm sure you still haven't dismantled your Christmas tree from last year, and then you go tailgate the next vehicle that is adequately bumper stickered to your taste.

However, the problem arises when it's a car occupied by one of those Christian religious fundamentalist guys. These people have so much pent-up emotion and a desire to slather their faith upon the world like butter on toast that their stickers always fail to exhibit the terseness and brevity which politically activist stickers are known for. The religious ones almost always are essays of at least 50 words or so, crammed into an area of about eighty square inches. And so, the font is always tiny and reading them becomes a chore, especially for one whose eyes were deflowered during early childhood due to an overindulgence in Hardy Boys adventures.

So I was trying to read this guy's bumper sticker and bloody hell, I couldn't get past the "I am your Creator" part but I persisted in my mission of deciphering the substance of that message when I realized that I was probably half an inch away from meeting my Creator in the form of the concrete divider. And then I wondered if the microscopic font was actually an elaborate ploy by the religious cartel to systematically annihilate members of the atheist community, at least those who suffer from poor vision, by distracting them while driving by offering up tantalizingly hackneyed and hard-to-read nuggets of wisdom on the backs of their cars. You might say it's a relatively futile endeavour, but I guess every bit counts.


Swapna said...

Oh yeah.... I've nearly had accidents quite a bunch of times that way.

ggop said...

What a scare! Glad you didn't get into an accident. There is a rotten bumper sticker in the parking lot at work.
"One abortion, one dead, one wounded." It has a picture of a crying woman and a baby. Never fails to rile me.

And if a man is driving it I want to deflate the tires. :-(

Raj said...

gawker, how do you manage to be a gawker with deflowered eyes?

Anonymous said...

Glad to know that all is good in the hood. youknowamsayin!

Anonymous said...

Good one. Though I must say, drive carefully, man. You are too precious. Your blog gives me my dose of laffs

RobRoy said...

Perhaps they are only trying to share the joy and laughter that they find . . . awww, who am I kidding?

Glad to have you back.

gawker said...

swapna : i hope you've learnt your lesson by now. And that is, if you want to read a car's bumper sticker, you need to wait till its parked and then steal it.

ggop : maybe its just me, but i would have wreaked my vengeance by breaking into the car and having an abortion in the backseat.

raj : that is one reason why i have to gawk, otherwise i would have been a mere watcher. Due to poor vision, even watching turns into gawking for me.

naveen : word.

rinku : thank you, i will try my best not to die.

robroy : thank you, I didn't see that coming after the first half of the sentence.