Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Another Garden update

Lately, I have been taking an active interest in my garden. With the appearance of daylight and decent atmospheric conditions here in the mid-Atlantic, various things have begun to sprout and grow. The funny thing is that all throughout winter, not a single thing that is currently growing was visible. It's as if plants hibernate underground during winter just like fish and women.

A rose plant has appeared and it already has a yellow rose hanging from it. I never did anything to facilitate its growth. I remember back in India when my dad had to lavish a considerable amount of time, water, fertilizer, affection and rogor on our five hundred and sixty seven rose plants before a single one graced us with a flower. Here the roses do not appear to require any human intervention to prosper and celebrate life. In fact, they appear to be prospering in spite of my presence which, historically, has been to the detriment of plant-life. Neither of my thumbs is green.

And then there is another plant right by our doorstep which has also appeared out of nowhere and is now partying like it is 1999. This organism has assumed the appearance and demeanor of a rain-forest and has annexed most of my driveway to its kingdom. Currently, it is bearing about thirty-forty huge pink bastards and these bastards are so gigantic that due to their weight, the plant is forever lying prostate on the ground. I don't know what breed of flower this plant is. So the other day, I asked my neighbor, who appears to be knowledgeable in this area, if he knew who or what these flowers were and if they came from a decent family.

"Yes, they are called panties", he replied.

"Can you spell that for me please", I requested.

"Could you use it in a sentence", he countered.

"I have panties growing in my garden", I replied.

"P-E-O-N-I-E-S", he said.

"Oh yes", I said. "You mean ponies."

My other neighbor has the lushest, greenest, thickest backyard I have ever seen. It is in stark contrast to mine, which is a weed infested mess with a few blades of grass trying to make a decent living but having very little success. There is a well-defined boundary between my backyard and my neighbor's where the grass ends and the desert begins. It is so bad that the rabbits on her property have erected a fence in order to keep my rabbits from crossing over to the other side. They say the nibblings better over there.

I do not know what she did to deserve that kind of lawn on her property. I wanted to find out. So naturally, my first step was to guess. After spending a lot of time guessing, I made a list of things that I guessed were responsible for the superior health of her lawn. I then went to Lowe's. I purchased a weed killer. I purchased grass seed. And finally, I purchased grass fertilizer. Since I wanted my grass to de-weed, sprout and grow all on the same day because in this part of the world, summer only lasts for a couple of months which go by so fast that they seem like a couple of days and sometimes hours if you are playing the PS3, I mixed together weed killer, grass seed and fertilizer and applied the mixture to my lawn. The next day, my lawn disappeared, weeds, grass, earth and all. In its place was a deep hole, the bottom of which I could not see and through which I could faintly hear a number of voices speaking in a Chinese dialect.

Repeat after me. Patience is a virtue. Grass takes time to grow. Your neighbor's grass will always be greener. Weed killer, grass seed and fertilizer are not friends.


A Motley Tunic said...

I have a neighbor like that too. I just wait till it is Christmas time and laugh at his Christmas lights. They are the gaudiest in the neighborhood.

Kimberly El-Sadek said...

One word about grass....sod. It's better than seed and instant gratification. The peonies are great flowering shrubs that come back year after year. Use a peony ring which get at the garden store. It's like a little cage you put over the plant which helps keep it upright due to the heavy blooms. You do the same kind of thing to tomato plants.

Partho said...

Welcome back, gawker! Glad you could tear yourself from that PS3 and stroll into the backyard to find something to report. Some fish hibernate I knew, but women?

gawker said...

sowmya : Can't wait till Christmas. I'll plan on laughing at my neighbor on halloween. Probably dress up as a bear and take a dump on her lawn.

lumi : nah i want my grass grown naturally through the use of pesticides and chemicals, not from a rolled up grass carpet. Plus, I've seen people buy sod and it turns their car into a mudpit.

I tried shoring up my ponies with 4 sticks. The ponies laughed at me and asked me to kindly fuck off.

partho : Thanks man. Sure women hibernate deep under the ground. In places like Filene's Basement and Macy's.

RobRoy said...

Repeating after gawker: Patience is a . . . damn, took too long.

Anonymous said...

I've been wondering whether to plant peonies myself. It's a little late, but since summer seems a long way away, might just be the right time. Someone told me, though, that peonies attract hordes of ants. Has that happened to you?

gawker said...

robroy : Well at least you tried. You get an F.

lekhni : The problem with ponies is that they sprawl all over the ground unless you prop them up. Also, when it rains, like Mandakini, they shed all their petals and you will have to do a lot of cleanup. But no, they have not attracted any ants. All my ants are safely inside my house.

Anonymous said...

This reminds me... how are the cilantro plants doing?
Happy to report that mine sprouted in 4 days!

(well, I did just ask you, so that I could brag)


gawker said...

Sushma : I have cilantro growing all over the place now. The problem is that there is a very small window of opportunity for harvesting them between the time the plants are juvenile and when they suddenly sprout flowers and become inedible. That is a new problem I am currently working on.