Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Bollywood for Salman

I wouldn't have been able to write a funnier blogpost if I had tried. This is an actual report on Bollywood's reaction to the Salman Khan verdict.

Salman Khan's five year jail term has come as a shock to the entire film industry. Many believe that the celebrity tag is hanging like an albatross around Salman's neck (Or the alcohol sacks around his eyes).

Ravi Chopra, who had directed Salman Khan in Baghban and was currently busy shooting Babul with the actor, said, "I strongly feel that the celebrity tag that Salman carries with him has made him into a scapegoat."

via Dictionary.com :
scape·goat Audio pronunciation of "scapegoat" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (skpgt)
  1. One that is made to bear the blame of others.
(not applicable when one is made to bear the blame of one.)

"His crime, which is smaller and not all that severe as compared to Jessica Lall’s murder, has been made look like as if it is the crime of the decade (woah woah, hold your horses, this is just the deer shooting case. Pavement dweller murder case is still to come. Don't throw away your popcorn yet).

"While the murderer of Jessica Lall is roaming freely, here is our actor who is facing all the brunt of the law."

(Let us, for the purpose of civilized discourse, disregard the argument that could be made for prosecuting Salman solely for his acting. But coming back to the point you've made, you know what, lets set every captured criminal loose just because Jessica Lall's murderer is roaming freely. 'Cause fuck it, punishing this guy because he committed a crime other than killing Jessica Lal doesn't mean he should be subjected to more rigorous penalties than someone who did kill Jessica Lal. We owe every criminal in this country the same shoddy standards of justice we bestowed upon Jessica Lal's murderer.)

"We all have to stand by him and give him support. It is a tough time not only for him and his family but also trying times for everyone in Bollywood. It is true that I, as his producer director of Babul, will be affected along with other filmmakers (I knew you would be a bigger person than one who would merely think about his own monetary losses).

"However, the question of prime importance is how soon can he be released from the jail. (5 years. Pay closer attention) It is really a trying time. (you already said that) Honestly, I am not worried about my losses. (of course, not. You are more worried about the Middle Eastern goons who lent you the money to make your film) Rather, I stand by him and am praying hard for his early release. (While you are at it, also pray for world peace)"

Producers and directors, who have put in crores in their projects with the superstar, have been left dumbfounded. (Yeah, I guess the criminal justice system in India actually worked. It IS pretty dumbfounding.)

Films like Marigold, God tussi great ho (I guess this film will be renamed to something more appropriate under the circumstances), Babul, Salaam-e-Ishq, Partner and many others, which are in various stages of completion, will be badly affected. (Are you fucking kidding me, I am more worried about how badly his lip syncing Rockstars tour in New Jersey will be affected. After all, I had been eagerly anticipating it for all these months. God, this was my only chance to see Salman brandish an electric guitar and pretend to play it.)

According to trade analyst Taran Adarsh, "More than 200 crores is on the actor under various production houses. The loss is not only emotional but monetary as well. (lets interchange the order of those losses) It is a loss that we will have to face due to this callous judgement. (Those damn judgemental judges in those dastardly justice-administering courts. No one cares for the criminal's feelings anymore.)

"Bollywood is silent and quiet and no one is ready to say anything at this particular time. (you are saying a lot for someone not ready to say anything) Some are so sad that they have choked during our telephone conversation."

We have seen celebrities commit crime and then get away with it due to their status. It is just the opposite in Salman's case. (Yes, in this case, we saw a celebrity not get away with a crime in spite of his status. Johnny Cochran would have rolled over in his grave.)

"Law is to be respected, whether one is a celebrity or a common man. It is a professional hazard if you are a celebrity," Adarsh said. (Well said. The law IS a professional hazard. If you're a criminal.)


zambezi said...

that taran adarsh guy, someone must fucking bitch slap him. he has been there for eternity and spews shit for a living.
As for Salman, its a lesson for him and everybody-dont fuck around with life cos sooner or later, it will bite you in the arse.

gawker said...

You knew who Taran Adarsh was? You need a life outside AVS TV and Namaste America.

Anonymous said...

you know the situation is beyond repair when people start questioning a fair verdict. Is desh ka kya hoga.....

your comments are funny!

zambezi said...

that taran adarsh guy has been barking on avs and namaste america for atleast 7 years man. it is difficult not to notice him. i remember him cos i found it damn amusing that bollywood had an anaylst and critic who people actually paid attention to. i am sure you watch them too. fucking guy.
by the way, on the 22nd there is a jagjit singh concert. you come?

Kaustubh said...

You missed Govinda, the great son of the Mother Superior of Congress. "ek jaanvar ka ek bhaav, doosare jaanvar ka doosara bhaav". Huh? So, don't be surprised if Govinda thinks Venky's, Godrej and the small Chicken vendor in the neighborhood should follow Salmaan in the jail! And perhaps you could write something funnier than Taran Adarsh?

Anonymous said...

The original report was surreal. I really had to convince myself that I wasn't reading a Onion-style report or someone wasn't pulling a late April Fool's gag.

Anonymous said...

"While the murderer of Jessica Lall is roaming freely, here is our actor who is facing all the brunt of the law."

"Law is a professional hazard if you are a celebrity"

I'm speechless. F*ck its not even funny, that people so idiotic exist.

shakester said...

thank you

i mostly could not be bothered responding (even in my head) to this shite

Anonymous said...

All animals are equal but some are more equal than others. /Orwell

shit, i dunno why reading your posts brings me into quotation and epigram mode, unless am subconsciously reacting to great literature, eh gawker?

gawker said...

anjali : Ah, but its not fair to Salman right? 'Cause he has to go to prison.

zambezi : yes i watch it too. but you're a better person than I am so i am surprised.

kaustubh : no. simply because taran adarsh is a funnier name than mine.

bongo : i told you. which is why i didnt want to add my own comments at first in order to maintain its pristine ludicrousness.

slime : its funny and pathetic at the same time.

shakester : you are welcome. i will be pleased to be the garbageman of everybody's mind.

nocturne : more than me it is my subject matter, in this case, salman, who might be responsible for the possibility of this post being great literature.

zambezi said...

you seem to be reeking of modesty for some reason. are you practicing to be humble popsie? cos i know you are just like me and you know what i am