Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The fake blur

There was this huge news story that broke in the Indian media over the weekend. A Belgian model was walking down the catwalk and suddenly she had a wardrobe malfunction. Her wardrobe door fell off. And then, her top slid off her shoulders, exposing her breast.

On Saturday, I spent thirty minutes watching a Star Nyuz anchor analyze, in excruciating detail, the physics, the math and the free market economics behind the sliding of the top. I was also treated to innumerable consecutive television replays of the fateful moment. Except, every time, the replay would end just before the top actually fell off and despite the absence of on-screen areola, they still blurred the screen. I can imagine the discussion that must have ensued in the Star Nyuz studio just before they aired the clip.

"Okay, so it is decided, we will show her top falling off and then we will blur her breasts."

"Excellent. Congratulations, people, good job, good show. These blurred breasts will ensure, at least for the next week or so, that there will be food on the table for our families."

But then, a sour note.

"Hold on sir, what about Bal Thackeray?"

"What about him?"

"He does not like breasts."

"We are not showing breasts. We are blurring them."

"He might gather all the pieces of the blur, match them together in Photoshop and break our windows."

"Yes, our insurance policy does not include Bal Thackeray liability. Alright, cancel the blurred breast pictures."

"But what about our viewers? We have to think of them too. If we fail to show them blurred breasts, why would they continue to watch this channel?"

"You're right. My wife just purchased a new I-Phone. I need this job. That blur needs to be broadcast."

"Alright folks. Here's what we will do. We will run the video upto a point just before when the top falls off. And then, we will blur the picture regardless. Our viewers will mentally undress this fake blur and recreate a naked breast out of thin air. And no matter how much image processing Bal Thackeray performs on the video, he will not manage to piece together any nudity and stay in a window-friendly mood."

"That was some mighty quick thinking Varma! You are hereby promoted to Chief Blur Executive."

Why Varma? I don't know, seems like the kind of name a dynamic Blur Executive might have. A Chopra might have capitulated to blur anxiety.


Anonymous said...

Why Varma?

I thought you were talking of the Eminent Blogger.. :)

Anonymous said...

Talking of the blogger Verma.I happened to read an absoultely hilarious piece today.


sahasra said...

speaking of star nyuz...I was in India a couple weeks ago... Looks like they run out of breaking news.. they keep showing sanjay dutt getting secretly married to some tramp, and some rani sawant re unting with her stupid gay boyfriend.. and some filmi actor slapping his fan...I must have seen these supposedly breaking news clips about a 1000 times in 2 hours that i tried to watch the TV...

RobRoy said...

I love blurred breasts. In many ways they are superior than actual breasts, which can often disappoint.

For the record, I don't know who Varma is and being a U.S. Citizen, I am quota-capped to one Indian-leaning blogger per year. Congrats.

zambezi said...

he he rob

gawker said...

bongo : Actually that was the first name that came into my mind. I don't know if it was the eminent blogger or one of his relatives.

anonymous : It's a pity they found out that you can't kill people using your mind. I am sure I could have found a lot of uses for it.

ooha : Apparently tramp-marrying, stupid gay reuniting and fan-slapping is what the audience wishes to partake of in their daily briefings. Why not give it to them?

robroy : You make a good point. When I look in the mirror, I often wish mine were blurred too.

Partho said...

Rob is right. A blurred breast is way better than some breaking news which go on for days live on Indian TV. Most popular sort since 2006 is the Prince variety. Today, again, on ndtv,znews, star nyuz et. al. Little Vandana.

Anonymous said...

Audience also wants to watch Aishwarya throwing mustard seeds outside her house replayed several times and said action analysed by a pujari. Star News makes me sea sick.

zambezi said...

can we move on? write something else jhoomesh.

Toon Indian said...

..awesome post...star newz has taken the indian telly audiences to an imaginative high :P...and bestowed on the model ephemeral spotlight

gawker said...

partho : Yes its a tough choice to make. What is more entertaining, blurred breasts or children falling into wells.

mg : Nice. Why the hell was she throwing mustard seeds anyways? Oh goddamn, I think I just fell into their trap.

zambezi : I have a challenge for you to be undertaken in September. Are you ready for the task? It is for a good cause, it involves biking and it involves New Jersey.

rahul : Thank you. Yes, due to Star Nyuz, more people will be able to survive without the presence of actual breasts in their life.

zambezi said...

bring it on popatlal!