Melon collie

I got this cool bottle opener keychain yesterday from the newly opened Indian restaurant in my neighbourhood. That's great because now I can start drinking from the moment I unlock the door to my apartment.

In general, I have no problems with the current pace of technological progress. I am happy with the way my socks no longer mysteriously develop holes in them like they used to when I was a kid. Underwear lasts longer too. Soon people will have to buy underwear only once or twice in their entire lifetime, thus giving Chinese sweatshop workers an opportunity to take a bathroom break. But it would definitely be useful if my toothpaste tube would give me some indication of when it is empty. You know, you squeeze it till it's flat but still you keep on squeezing it because you're hoping, like any normal human being would, that surely there is some more in there, at least enough for today's brushing. But what I would like to see is a tube that starts to scream and vomit blood when it is out of paste and needs to communicate that fact to the squeezer. This would save many people a lot of time in the morning, I'm sure. Another good idea, a ketchup bottle that would begin to cough violently, invoking the Lord's name when there's no more ketchup to be banged out of it.

Toyota Yaris has a couple of grisly ads out. A car comes wandering by and stops in front of a piggy bank, one of them small cute pink pig-shaped things. The car and pig blink at each other. Then the hood of the car opens and an electric saw appears, cutting the pig horizontally in half. Then, the saw cuts the pig vertically. The pig continues to blink at the car, distraught at this violent behavior exhibited by someone claiming to be as planet-friendly as Toyota. Then the hood again opens and out comes a hammer which strikes the pig and breaks it into two. Inside is a coin which the car picks up and goes off. Very heartbreaking if you're a pig-lover like I am. Bacon is one of my favorite foods.

Then, in a different ad, the car comes across a robotic spider and runs over it. Then, it sucks up all the fluid dribbling out of the crushed spider and goes off. Another blow to the planetary robotic ecosystem. I ain't buyin' a Yaris anytime soon.

And speaking of cars, I saw this clip from the new Disney movie "Cars" yesterday. A couple of cars are standing around in a courtroom and a Porsche rolls in. "Holy Porsche", says one car. What, says I. And then it goes on and blah blah blah and says, "You know there are some people in this courtroom who aren't firing on all four cylinders, if you know what I mean". Yargh, the pun made me pull off the newly discovered silver hair on my head in frustration.

Salespeople will say anything to get you to buy stuff, regardless of how preposterous it sounds. So I went into GNC, the store that sells protein shakes and things of that nature. I wanted to buy some Creatine and this guy wanted to sell me the high end expensive stuff. Said that it is the most potent of his products and would have an instantanous effect on my physique. So I told him that working out is just a hobby of mine and that it was okay with me if I didn't turn into the Michelin tire guy overnight. To which he replied, "Well, it really doesn't work that fast anyways, sometimes it takes years to get your body in shape. Fucking guy said the exact opposite of what he'd just said a moment ago.

Then, he began to sell me some nitric oxide or nitrous oxide or whatever. Said that it would dilate my blood vessels when I work out, thus allowing me to work out for longer periods of time. "Sometimes, I work out for four hours and still don't feel tired", he said. Four hours? Mmmkay. Then, I asked him if this stuff is safe and he told me, "It is so safe that sometimes people with high blood pressure take it as medication." I think it was around that time that I started doubting the veracity of his claims.

Then, he tried to sell me some more crap. He asked me, "Since you work out, do you take any extra vitamin supplements?" I said, "No, but I eat food". He asked what is that? I said "food" is what people who live in the natural universe eat to get their vitamins. He wasn't convinced. He probably donates to the "Vitamin supplements for Somalia" fund.