Why lazy people shouldn't be environmentally conscious

It's been a busy week. And I've come to realize that blogging is kinda like working out. You really need to stay on schedule. If your schedule is shattered and you stop blogging for a couple of days, it's really hard to get back into the thick of things. But here's what I realized during the time I wasn't blogging. I need to stop being environmentally aware.

See I respect the environment and nature. I will never desecrate an area of wilderness with plastic bottles and used condoms. I won't even spit out my chewing gum onto the road. I always switch off the lights when I'm not in the room in order to conserve electricity. In fact, sometimes I switch them off even while I am in the room, peering through my neighbours' windows. And when I dispose my bodies through the process of interment, I make sure that I retrieve anything that is non bio-degradable from their person including their hair ('cause hair can cause some serious harm to the ecosystem, especially if it's been dyed), mail it to their nearest surviving relatives and then and only then will I lay them to rest in the ground.

But being an environment freak is screwing my lifestyle in many ways. It started when I was single and living in the US alone in an apartment with no furniture. Due to my eco-consciousness, I was averse to disposing the beer bottles I was consuming at a rapid rate directly into the trash. But I had no idea what to do with those bottles either. So I just didn't throw them out. Pretty soon every square inch of my apartment was covered with beer bottles. My apartment had turned into a theme park for alcoholics. A sea of bottles as far as the eye could see with quaint little pathways carved out of the glass that led to places of scenic beauty as well as strategic importance such as the bathroom, the television and the kitchen.

This sad state of affairs continued till I got a visit from a couple of friends from New Jersey and I realized that I had to do something about it. So I started double tiering. Bottles on top of other bottles. Soon the sea of bottles began to grow in a vertical direction as well. The beer meadow turned into a beer forest. It wasn't till I got married, bought furniture and began living a civilized life that I began to dispose of the bottles in a responsible way.

Now, at this stage in my life, with my apartment complex having provided me with the means to recycle my bottles, my newest environmental dilemma is with regard to plastic bags. I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do with the damn things. I hesitate to throw them into the garbage but every time I go to the grocery I come back with five or six more. I know there is some kind of plastic bag return policy in place at all the supermarkets but I am just too lazy to find out.

So I keep those things. There is a room in my apartment that is solely occupied by these plastic bags. Thousands and thousands of them. It's a virtual winter wonderland in there, except instead of snow, it's polythene. In fact, when it snows outside, my wife and I, we go to this room and frolic in the mountains of plastic. We have bagfights, construct bagmen, along with their cute little bag animals. Those animals then eat plastic bags by mistake and die of suffocation when the plastic bags get stuck inside their plastic throats. The bagmen, saddened by the demise of their animals, weep big tears of plastic and get rid of their bodies by stuffing them inside plastic bags and throwing them out into the plastic sea. It's wonderful. And environmentally safe.