Wednesday, March 15, 2006

What happened to the gentle spammers?

Has anyone else noticed that spam emails nowadays are gradually taking on an increasingly hostile tone? For example, take those emails that tout the miracle of viagra or some other erection inducing drug. Barely a year ago, these emails used to have a gentleness and compassion about them, somewhat akin to the sympathetic manner of the doctor who would be treating you for that condition. The emails used to be subtle, ask educated and precise questions such as "Do you find it difficult to perform in bed?" or "Awww, is she mad at you? Does she want it to be bigger?" and so on. Even as you deleted the email and added the address of the sender to your spam list, you couldn't help but feel a bit of tenderness towards the person who had sent it to you and appreciate his or her tactful handling of the delicate issue involved.

Nowadays, it's different. I don't know if it's the rapid commercialization of spam or the intense competition in the market for enlarging underperforming penises within the spamming community but spammers are fast losing the decorum and etiquette they were once famous for. The spammer no longer has the patience or the time to use flowery language or even assume the pretense of caring about the spammee's fragile feelings. Today if you get a spam email extolling the virtues of viagra, it's extremely brusque to the point of being hurtful.

"Your penis is like a sponge", snapped an email at me yesterday. "I can't see it, it's invisible, how do you live with yourself?", asked another mockingly. "She's going to leave you. She couldn't find it yesterday", said another. Tears streaming down my face (since I am an extremely sensitive person not used to such callous deprecation of my masculinity), I read and reread these harsh words, wishing to go back to those times in the past when having an (allegedly) small limp penis wasn't just a condition to be mocked and ridiculed by an anonymous bulk emailer. I wanted for things to be the way they were when spammers had a heart, they had feelings and they could empathize with men who they were trying to convince that what they lacked in intellect could be made up in size.

What happened to that breed? What are they doing now? Are they retired? Did they get married, settle down and buy Volvos? Or are they still toiling somewhere in the remote wastelands of cyberspace peddling newer and more useful marvels of technology that have been sadly marginalized from the mainstream? Maybe they are now call center employees in Bangalore, engaged in applying honeyed words to soothe irritated Americans who are unable to access their bank accounts. All I hope is for that precious talent not to go to waste and that somewhere someone is still enjoying the fruits of labor of these men and women who, in the past, not only performed the important service of gently calling into attention the miniscule size of your member, but actually proposed a solution to rectify the situation.

8 comments:

Alpha said...

'wishing to go back to those times in the past when having a small limp penis wasn't just a condition to be mocked and ridiculed"

gawker dude, that cud very well make headlines you know. If you like, I could send you those emails with a touch of feminity and sesitiveness. Firstly, do something abt the err.. situation.

secondly, I am losing trust on your comment moderation system seeing that first comment.

gawker said...

I deliberately left the first comment undeleted because it was fitting that I get my first spam comment on a blogpost about spam.

And I wasn't talking about me no. I was talking on behalf of all members of my race who are afflicted by this syndrome and who recieve these mails.

Alpha said...

haha! we noticed the sneaky addition..

greatbong said...

I like your blog. Very nice.

How would you like a homeloan you deadbeat? Enough of renting and living like a hobo. Eh?

So do something about it. Go to http://cheap-home-loans.biz and type greatbong as your referrer. Both of us will get a free Tshirt that says "Mithunda rocks".

Pretty pretty please?

Abi said...

"I wasn't talking about me no. I was talking on behalf of all members of my race..."

Gawker, I am really touched by your selflessness ...

Great post!

gawker said...

alpha : gah what are you, a professional copy editor? I had to add that word because on retrospection, I realized it might convey the wrong message. Also I was hoping to get away with it without anyone finding out.

greatbong : I will tolerate people making fun of me and my body parts, but I will not tolerate anyone making fun of my apartment. And whats to stop you from spamming me after I buy a home and trying to get me to buy a football stadium or something? You guys never quit.

abi : you are welcome and thanks.

Deepak Shenoy said...

gawker, will you stop touching abi with your self-"less" ness in public? otherwise they will make brokeback mountain 2 and my wife will say let's go watch it and I will die of boredom because let's face it brokeback mountain was so slow i could have gotten more entertainment watching grass grow.

Anonymous said...

Whoo..loved it