So there's this ad for a mattress, and it's one of those technologically advanced mattresses, either sleep number or tempurpedic or one of those crazy-ass supersoft mattresses, the mattresses that are so fucking soft 'cause they are filled with thousands of silky smooth currency bills, the very bills you used to pay for that mattress.
So anyways, they show this woman tossing and turning on her mattress, she just can't sleep, fuck, her insomnia is driving her crazy. So she does some research into mattresses and she slices open her own mattress to find...what? springs? Hell yeah, that explains why she can't get any sleep, it HAS to be 'cause of those nasty iron springs, she just can't imagine how the hell she was able to get any sleep at all with springs under her back. (Hint : Those springs are covered with a layer of foam, then a layer of something else, then a layer of something else, all in all ten different layers of soft padded shit, but goddamn, she is just so happy to have finally solved the problem of why she couldn't sleep that she throws all logic to the wind.)
But I know it's not due to the springs. 'Cause if you observe the commercial closely, you'll come to know the real reason for her tossing and turning. All the while they show her trying to get some sleep, her husband is sitting up in bed by her side with the lights on, reading a book. That's why she can't sleep. It's not the mattress, it's your asshole of a husband who just won't call it a day. See? That didn't have anything to do with the mattress. You could have saved a whole lot of money just by killing your husband rather than running off to the neighbourhood Mattress King.
And that's why, even as you tell us about this goshdarned freakin' awesome mattress that you've newly discovered, you still have circles under your eyes and look like you didn't take a shower today.
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