How to keep hair from falling out

To formulate an answer to this question, it is necessary to get to the root of the problem. Why does hair fall out in the first place? There have been a number of hypotheses that attempt to explain away this behavior. However, I disagree with them all. Heredity? No. Improper hair care? Rubbish. Stress? Nonsense. Hard water? Just an attempt to fling sand into the eyes of people accusing you of reason 2 which, anyways, is still incorrect. The following is what is really behind the all-too frequent departure of this highly valued protein strand from our lives.

Hairs are human after all, and require nutrition. Nutrition from the brain. Hair roots go deep down through the skull, through the meninx, that is the outer membrane of the brain, and right into the cerebrum. The cerebrum is rich with the vitamins and minerals essential for the mental and physical development of your hair. Now, imagine your scalp to be a suburban community of happy and contented hair citizens. Early on in your life, living conditions are good and plentiful with every hair having access to enough brain resources for it to live a rich and productive existence spent in adorning your pate.

However, later on in life, when you enter your stupid phase through the normal process of aging or the incessant playing of Unreal Tournament 2004 online, your brain undergoes a severe reduction in size, thus depleting the levels of nourishment necessary for maintaining your hair citizenry in the comfortable lifestyle it's been accustomed to. Once that happens, famine conditions begin to take shape. It's every hair for itself. And then, individual hair strands, in the manner of refugees waiting for a UN supply truck to unload, begin to fight amongst themselves for the appropriation of any food packages that are expected to make an appearance.

It gets ugly. Soon your scalp turns into a gnashing mass of hair warriors, who battle it out by coiling around their neighbour's body and pulling it out of its follicle. And after that, it's just a matter of time before the winter moon shines somberly down on a graveyard littered with rotting hair carcasses, the casualties of internecine warfare, waiting for that whiff of breeze to carry them away from the battlefield and into the mashed potatoes and gravy of the guy sitting next to you in Chili's.

In order to avoid this conflagration and the subsequent massacre of innocent hairs, a two-step program is needed. First of all, you need to keep your brain in tip-top shape. Think a lot about things, no matter how irrelevant or salacious. Ruminate. Ponder. Maintain your mental machinery in a constant state of lubrication. Ground left fallow will soon become incapable of supporting life. It's the same with your brain. Stop playing UT2004. You aren't that good at it anyways and it's killing your brain cells. And you would have noticed it too, except you've become too stupid to notice things.

Secondly, if stupidity appears to be ultimately unavoidable, it is still possible to curtail its deadly consequences. Trim your hair short. Cut it often and close to the scalp. Dominate over it. Terrorize it. Bully it to tears. Chop off its limbs, electrocute its genitals and maintain it in a constant state of humiliation. A population of hair brought up in an environment of totalitarianism will never rise against its master or against each other, even during times of hardship (think Iraq under Saddam as opposed to Iraq without Saddam). Not to mention the fact that a hair, devoid of its length and sinuosity, loses its ability to murder its companions through twining and constriction.

Consider a forest full of trees and contrast it with a grassy meadow. Imagine how many more blades of grass can co-exist peacefully in the meadow than trees in the forest. That's because grass is a relatively docile organism. And the reason behind that is its short stature. Its midgety appearance causes it to be physically feeble and spiritually submissive, thus making it a model citizen of society. A blade of grass would never resort to violence and uprootment against members of its own community, even under extreme provocation. Grass swallows its pride and turns the other cheek. Its motto is to live and let live. And that is the attitude we would like to see in our hair.

In summation, to keep your hair from falling out, maintain your brain cells. And subjugate your hair through frequent bitchslappery. This will lead to a full head of hair that will exult in a continued existence throughout your lifetime and quite possibly, through that of your progeny.