The long road back to a semi-flabby existence

To anyone who used to work out religiously every single day, then had a breakdown of schedule due to various reasons and then, for the next few months, didn't flex a single muscle except when the tv remote needed procuring or an especially formidable bout of constipation needed overcoming, I gotta tell you, it's high time you did something about it. This is that time of year, man, the time when you renounce your lifestyle of slothful decadence and return your body back to it's semi-flabby state that has worked so well for you in the past.

However, I should warn you that the long road back to fair health and a reasonably above average BMI is a hard one. In fact, if I were your gym instructor, this is the advice I would offer you. Starting immediately, embark on a diet consisting exclusively of weapons grade cocaine. Heroin will do as well. Whether you choose to freebase it, shove it in your veins or apply it on your penis for a nightlong erection, I leave the choice to your own discretion. Continue your abuse of the stuff till you are heavily addicted. Then, stop. Spend a few days in agony as you suffer from withdrawal symptoms. Only if you happen to possess the willpower and strength of character to see yourself successfully through the process of drug rehabilitation, will you have proven your mettle for attempting the arduous task ahead. Hardened by your experience, you will now be man enough to Go Back To The Gym.

This is what the timeline of your transition from muscular atrophy to a semi-flaccid physique will look like.

Week 1 : The Dawn of Realization

Day 1. While playing Unreal Tournament 2004, you will suddenly come to realize that the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach wasn't caused by your falling off the castle tower and dying in disgrace. It's because the pit of your stomach is actually hanging a few inches below your belt. That's how most people discover beer bellies. Although it's not likely to withstand the scrutiny of logical reasoning, I still maintain my belief in the theory that beer bellies sprout overnight, just like the colorful blossoms of spring.

Day 2. You will stumble upon photos of a strangely skinny individual while looking for a long-lost cd in the closet. After spending an hour trying to remember who it is, you will then spend another hour in denial after realizing it's a picture of you from graduate school. You will marvel at the excess baggage you've accumulated in your trunk in a mere 5 years.

Day 3. You will spend most of this day weighing yourself on the bathroom scale, then taking it apart and putting it back together in order to determine what's wrong with it.

Day 4. While watching an episode of Lost, you will jump up from the couch in an animated manner, trying to describe the philosophical significance of that episode to your wife. You will get your feet entangled in your laptop cables and fall down, breaking your big toe. The throbbing pain in your toe will be far surpassed by the agonized realization that the number of buttresses propping up the weight of your humongous body just got reduced by one. You vow to yourself that you will start working out right away, beginning tomorrow.

Day 5. Your toe will hurt so bad you will let the couch do all the propping up.

Day 6. Since the week is almost over, you will promise yourself that you will start working out next monday.

Week 2 : The Beginning.

Day 1. You will go to the gym. You will change into your gym clothes. You will smile at the people working out. They will all look different to you. Probably 'cause they are healthy. You will touch every piece of equipment in the room, hoping to have expended some calories in the process. The sight of all those people working out will cause you acute mental and physical fatigue. You will go back home without lifting a finger.

Day 2. Somehow, the fact that you didn't work out yesterday will mean that it destroyed the work-out schedule for the entire week, thus rendering it useless. It will also mean that any attempt at working out during the remainder of the week will be meaningless. You will not go to the gym.

Day 3. You will stay home.

Day 4. You will almost feel yourself getting fatter by the minute. But you still stay home.

Day 5. You will continue to stay home. You will write a blogpost denouncing people who make fun of fat people.

Week 3: There, but not quite.

Day 1. You will go to the gym. You will work out like a maniac. After you return back home, you will feel happy, refreshed and contented with life. You will go to sleep, armed with the knowledge of having overcome the final barrier between you and good health.

Day 2. You will wake up, unable to lift up your left hand. You will realize that working out like a maniac on the first day of gym was probably not the smartest thing to do. You will spend all day nursing your hand. The mere thought of working out will cause a bolt of lightning to rip through it. You will not go to the gym.

Day 3. Your hand will still feel the same. You will wonder if you've broken something. You will not go to the gym.

Day 4. Your hand will feel better. But your schedule will be screwed. You will decide to restart your schedule beginning next week.

Day 5. It's the weekend and you will wish to go biking. You will try to determine if biking will help you gain enough stamina for working out or the other way round. You will ponder on chickens, eggs and which came first. You will give up and make an omlet.

Week 4: Victory.

Day 1. You will go to the gym. You will work out more carefully. You will work on your chest and back. While performing bench presses, you will realize that your stomach doesn't fit between the bar and the bench anymore. This observation will firm your resolve of working out every day of this week.

Day 2. You will work on your shoulders and legs. A faint hope will dawn.

Day 3. You will continue to attend gym. You will work on your arms. The sweet pain of yesterday's strained muscles will egg you on.

Day 4. You've completed a full cycle of work-outs. You are now confident that you will make it through this week

Day 5. You've made it. You will write a post celebrating your triumph over inertia. You will hope that others follow in your footsteps.

And thus will you finally settle down into your old work-out schedule again. It will take 4 weeks, not including the cocaine addiction and rehabilitation. So I suggest you start now because it will soon be summer and who the fuck starts anything in summer.