The Steak Wars

The Subway is my friend. As has been documented extensively on this blog, it is pretty much my only source of animal protein within a two mile radius and that is about equal to the length of my work leash. Anything farther than two miles and it tugs hard on my neck and like in the movies, the car moves ahead without me and I fly out through the rear windshield and fall on the road and you can hear the theater audience laugh it up.

So anyways, the Subway is my best friend forever, or as the kids call it nowadays, my BFF. Now I am a huge steak fan. And Subway used to have this sandwich called the "Steak and Cheese" sub. It cost about five and a half bucks, which was quite reasonable for a blue-collar worker such as I. Then, Quizno's, who is Subway's main challenger in this part of the world, discovered the wonders of television advertising and they began to air these commercials where people would hold a subway and a Quizno's sandwich side by side and scoff derisively at the Subway. Prominently featured was the steak and cheese sub which looked somewhat anemic when juxtaposed with the Quizno's beefier steak sandwich. The final straw that broke Subway's back was a commercial that featured an Oriental woman who rejected a subway sandwich, saying, "I'm a woman, I like my meat" or something to that effect. Now, anyone who's been rejected by an Oriental woman who claims that your meat cannot satisfy her, knows that this can cause all your cell membranes to spontaneously dissolve into a pool of protoplasm and all that is left inside you is a burning pain somewhat like the one you experience during a urinary tract infection. Also, it makes you want to increase the size of your meat in a hope that perhaps this new and improved meat will be better worth a woman's while.

So that is what Subway did. They discarded their older thin sliced steak and cheese sandwich and came up with a brand new one with a thicker cut of steak. And since they were now supplying the world with more meat, they obviously had to raise the price of this sandwich to six and a half bucks. Honestly, I didn't need more meat. I was okay with the previous meat. But hey, if it had to be so, then I guess it would be so. And the new sandwich was a hit. The women quit complaining about inadequate meat and all was right in Subway's world.

So then, Quizno's had to step right back in because it is common knowledge that if you and the other guy have the same size meat, the woman's gonna go to the one who buys her more clothes and takes her to Paris. So Quizno's now began to advertise a novel new sandwich called the "Prime Rib Sandwich with Au Jus". Oh those women. Just can't resist anything on the menu with a French accent. So they went back to Quizno's. Subway was aghast. And you know why? Because the thick cut sandwich Subway had just introduced that they were calling a "steak and cheese", was in fact, to be medically accurate, a prime rib sandwich in the first place. But hey, what the eff, mistakes can be rectified.

So overnight, the Subway "steak and cheese" miraculously turned into a "Prime Rib" sandwich. Praise the Lord!

But sadly, these developments did not have the intended effect on women that Subway had hoped they would. Women continued to stay away. Subway had become a Johnny come lately and women want no part of a Johnny come lately. Late yes, lately no.

So then Subway retired to his parents' basement to ponder over the intricate workings of the feminine mind and to come up with a plan of attack for wooing them over. Summer turned into fall and then winter. Finally, when the first water of Spring broke, it saw a disheveled Subway emerging from his underground cave with a notepad in his hand. "I have it", he exclaimed. "But let me first relieve my bladder".

I was excited to see what Subway had come up with. For, like women, I like my meat too and because of the leash and everything, whatever Subway does has a huge impact on my life. On the day Subway was to reveal the grand new sandwich, I drove to the place wondering what it would be. An ostrich burger with kangaroo bacon and tiger penis mayo? That sounded delicious.

As I walked up to the Subway, I saw a big sign on the door. Beginning today, Subway was offering "The Big Philly Cheesesteak" piled high with meat and cheese. Yes, regionalism, that might possibly work with the fairer sex. The boy next door approach, eh? Wouldn't hurt to try. Also, as a side note, the "Big Philly Cheesesteak" sandwich was so big, so monstrously huge that Subway had been forced to set its price at eight and a half American dollars. That's how gigantic this sandwich was. "Boy oh boy", I said to myself, "if it costs twice as much as the amount I am legally allowed to spend on my lunch everyday, this has GOT to be the most breathtaking sandwich ever".

And it was tasty, let there be no doubts about that. But as I was hammering away at it, I couldn't help but shake off the vague feeling that I knew this sandwich from before. But how could I? I had never ever seen a "Big Philly Cheesesteak" on the menu before. Perhaps from a previous life? "Nah, I must be mistaken", I said, as I wiped my mouth with my shirt sleeve and got up to leave. And then, just as I was releasing the door handle, it hit me. I knew where I had seen that sandwich before. In this very place. It was the original "Steak and Cheese" sandwich that Subway had withdrawn from service after having been accused of meat deficiency. The very same five and a half dollar sandwich. Now selling for eight and a half bucks. And being touted as "Big".

So what is the moral of the story? The moral of the story is Women! They drive the country's economy. I will be the first one to admit that. They are the reason malls, department stores, shopping carts and penis enlargers were invented and we should all be grateful for that. But they are also the reason why the fucking corporations can charge whatever ridiculous amount of money they want for anything and get the fuck away with it.

The Steak Wars are a testament to it.