Election Night

7:47 : So to recap what's been happening till now, McCain has swallowed up Kentucky. Vermont, sweet sweet Vermont has acquiesced to being tenderly spooned by Obama. Obama supporters are gathering in Chicago in anticipation of the giant cataclysmic orgasm that he has promised them tonight. On CNN, Wolf Blitzer already shuddered to a satisfying climax when the brand new CNN gadget allowed a field reporter to be holographically beamed into the studio.

McCain is leading in Indiana 51 to 48 but the blue areas of the state haven't been counted yet. Obama is leading massively in Florida 58 to 42 with 11% counted.

7:57 : South Carolina goes to McCain.

7:59 : New England (except New Hampshire and Rhode Island), Illinois, New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland and DC have been called for Obama. Oklahoma and Tennessee go to McCain.

8:07 : Obama is killing in Orlando, FL. I guess Donald Duck hates America.

I hadn't planned on live blogging tonight but there is little else to do during Wolf Blitzer's bathroom breaks.

8:10 : Obama is leading 60% to 40% in North Carolina with 4% counted. These numbers don't mean shit. But I just saw them on tv.

8:18 : Florida is closing up with 30% counted. Obama leads 53 to 47.

8:20 : Eh? Apparently ABC, NBC and MSNBC have already called Pennsylvania for Obama. Does this mean I won't get drunk tonight?

8:24 : Philly mayor Nutter is leaning out of his car moonroof, saying tonight is historic. PA really appears to be decided for Obama.

8:29 : My old hood, lovely New Hampshire has been called for Obama. Sen. McCain has reportedly opened his first bottle of Xanax.

Call this a hunch but I think this is going to be a landslide. But don't quote me on that.

8:37 : Obama maintains lead in Florida and North Carolina. CNN is calling Pennsylvania for Obama now. I am proud of my state. Chicago is beginning to smell blood.

8:43 : They are showing McCain headquarters. Some old guy just began to sing on stage. He doesn't look familiar. Must be one of them country music boys.

8:46 : McCain's senior campaign advisor just gave what appeared to be a concession speech on NBC.

8:49 : Obama is still ahead in Florida 52 to 48. I failed to note how much had been counted. I would have made a horrible reporter.

8:53 : I don't know if this means anything to ya'll but Republican Elizabeth Dole has been defeated in her race for the North Carolina senatorial seat. The reason this is significant is because Dole ran a campaign accusing her opponent, Democrat Kay Hagan of being "Godless" and hobnobbing with "atheists". And she lost. In North Carolina.

8:56 : The Republican campaign manager in Delaware county, PA is refusing to believe PA is lost for McCain. He wishes to wait for more numbers to come in. I applaud his optimism and wish him a safe ride to his home, where he is no doubt expecting to find a beautiful woman waiting for him in bed who will turn out to be a heiress to a billion dollar fortune, none of which was invested in Wall Street.

9:01 : CNN calls New York, Minnesota, Wisconsin and Rhode Island for Obama.

9:03 : Obama leads McCain 174 to 49. 270 Gives you the presidency.

9:05 : Obama supporters gathered in Chicago have now begun to shed various articles of attire and dance in a sensual suggestive manner in preparation for the massive orgy of hedonistic celebration that is expected to commence in a few hours.

9:08 : Arkansas goes to McCain. No word yet on whether McCain has accepted it.

9:10 : Alabama walks over and joins Arkansas on the McCain side. Sen. McCain pretends not to notice. It's about time, he grumbles under his breath.

9:12 : Georgia goes to McCain. Indiana has remained steady with McCain leading Obama 52 to 48 with 60% counted. Not sure if Indy and Gary votes have been accounted for yet. Florida looks like it is going to Obama with 50% counted already. If Florida goes to Barack, the night is over.

9:18 : New Hampshire gets a democratic governor. So does Nevada.

9:21 : Don't know how I missed Michigan. Okay let's do this again. Michigan goes for Obama.

9:22 : Obama is leading majorly in Ohio. Also in Antarctica. And the planet Zocon.

9:24 : Over at McCain headquarters, Hank Williams is singing a song without a melody. Wolf Blitzer just walked off claiming to have a major projection for us when we return after the break. This could be it.

9:27 : McCain's campaign advisor is blaming everything on the Republican party. And you can too. Go ahead, compile a list of all your recent transgressions and blame them all on the GOP.

9:33 : Ohio goes to Obama. It is over. America will have its first black President ever. This blog is now calling the election for President-Elect Barack Obama.

9:35 : Virginia is closing up 50 to 50. I guess Fake Virginia votes are now coming in. This is gonna be a washout.

9:40 : CNN's John King is now picking random states, trying to find a way for McCain to still win this election. Don't bother, John.

9:42 : John King admitted defeat. He could only muster up 259 electoral votes. He then exhorted people on the West Coast to go out there and vote vote vote *cough* for McCain *cough* so as to keep this circus going till the crack of dawn.

9:46 : I am going to Fox News with a cup in which I shall gather Brit Hume's tears.

9:52 : New Mexico. Obama. Muchas gracias amigos.

Dinner Break. Back in 10.

10:20 : Iowa Obama. Texas McCain.

10:22 : Democrat Al Franken is leading Republican Norm Coleman 44 to 39 in Minnesota for the senatorial seat. The reason for my interest in this particular race is because Al Franken is the guy who first piqued my interest in US politics through his excellent book "Lies and the Lying Liars who tell them". It's a really great funny book. I'm not lying. I hope he wins.

10:29 : Turns out white people like Obama. Perhaps they like me too.

10:32 : Obama is still leading in Florida with 72% counted. I think once he is done with being president he could move down there and rule as an Afro-Jewish warlord.

10:39 : Things have quieted down a bit in the CNN newsroom, allowing John King some leisure time to play with his high-tech gizmos. Campbell Brown looks on approvingly.

10:42 : Karl Rove's flesh folds are on Fox News right now. Not sure what they are saying.

10:58 :Virginia goes to Obama. This is historic. This is huge.

10:59 : CNN projects President Barack Obama.

Good job people. You deserve it.

And by you, I mean John McCain and Sarah Palin.

Time now to go and gloat on the right wing blogs.

Over and out.

11:25 : Alright I am back.

11:26 : McCain is giving his concession speech. Says, "I don't know what I could have done to run a better campaign." Hmm...let me count the number of ways....

11:27 : Is it me or is Cindy McCain totally color blind?

11:28 : Bye bye Sarah Palin. You were a nice little footnote in American history. A great diversion, thankfully short-lived. Hopefully we will never hear from you ever again.

Four years ago, as I was watching the proceedings of the 2004 Democratic convention, this skinny black guy no one knew walked up to the podium and delivered the keynote address. I did not know who this guy was but boy, did he grab me with his words, style and demeanour. The moment his speech ended, I turned to my wife and said to her, "Listen to me wife and listen to me good for what I say to you is the truth and nothing but. This man is going to be the next president of the US". True story.

11:47 : McCain was gracious in his concession. But it didn't fly with me. Hopefully Obama is a better man than I am. Now we are waiting for Obama to speak.

11:51 : Throngs of people have gathered outside the White House. Perhaps many of them are under the impression that Barack will be moving in today itself. Someone in the White House is feeling mighty unloved.

11:57 : President-Elect Barack Obama is on stage. We are officially in the future.

12:08 : Obama : "I will listen to you, especially when we disagree."