Poorhouse

Today I kept seeing the news of the stock market crash on CNN on my way to the sports section. Don't judge me, the Phillies begin their seven game journey to the World Series today. So they say that the stock market has crashed and burned. Today the DOW Jones fell below 9000, whatever that means. I remember those days of above 10,000 DOW with sad nostalgia as if it were yesterday. But what does this mean for the average person? Am I gonna lose my job? Am I gonna be poor? What will I eat? I decided to test the edibility of various things I might have to eat when I am poor. I found a packet of Burger King onion ring sauce on my bookshelf. It's been here for a while. I tore it open and sucked it down. It tasted of stale oil but when you got past the taste, it was quite filling. Ten of those per day should provide me with the necessary vitamins and folic acid to lead a relatively non-toxic life.

I checked my 401K balance yesterday. The pretty lady on CNN advised me not to because she said she was concerned about my cardiac health. But it's like watching a car wreck on the highway, I had to do it regardless of the warnings. After checking the numbers and doing some calculations, I discovered that I am getting a 401K personal return of -47% on my investments. I guess what it means is that for each dollar I invest, I get to keep 53 cents. It seems like a good deal until you consider the fact that if I had kept that money under the mattress instead, I could have kept the entire dollar for myself. Plus it would have removed the wrinkles from those bills.

But there is a silver lining to the ominous clouds of terror gathering on the economic horizon. My new home has apparently increased in value. After dropping like a stone from the moment I bought it, my home value has not only regained its original loss but also climbed up an additional two thousand dollars in the past two months. Hopefully it means that my walls are slowly turning into gold or something. In which case, I will probably tear them down, melt them into gold bullion (which is easier to hoard) and plant new walls. It is indeed a blessing that walls are a sustainable natural resource.