As you enter the restaurant, the first thing you observe is a glass enclosure with a real fire burning inside and a slab of unidentifiable meat dangling over it and melting fat falling onto the flames. About the ambience, yes, the place is very ambient. It is also very Brazilian with elongated pieces of Brazil hanging off the walls and fuck it, I have no clue about the ambience of the place. I did not notice my surroundings. I was there for the food. And that was all I was interested in.
This is how it works. First you go to the salad bar and load up with the greens. You may grab unlimited amounts of the stuff. A word of advice, do not do that. You will realize why as the story progresses. After you have raided the salad bar, it is time for the main course. The main course consists of meat and lots of meat. Fifteen different types of meat, to be exact. Just like the salad bar, one's consumption of the stuff is limited merely by one's willpower and strength of character.
Now I realize that there are vegetarians among you who, at this very moment, are waving your lettuces and turnip greens at me and going hello gawker, I am not interested in listening to your stories about all this meat nonsense. Please, leaf eater, I hate to do this, but just for today, why don't you point your mouse at the "next blog" button in the top left corner, 'cause I've got to get this off my chest. But hey, come back tomorrow. I will be done with my meat story by then.
But returning to the scene unfolding back in the churrascaria, this is what happens during the main course : Servers come around to your table at regular intervals and ask you whether you wish to partake of the slab of meat that happens to be present on their person at that particular moment. If you reply in the affirmative, they slice off a portion onto your plate. Then they move on and more servers arrive to take their place, carrying even more meat of a different variety.
And oh, what variety. Flank steak. Filet Mignon. Pork tenderloin. Monk fish. Not lungfish, by the way, and I am talking to you, jackass colleague, who kept yelling at the lungfish guy to come over. Chicken legs. Garlic Steak. Beef Ribs. Sirloin. Rump Steak. Sausage. Lamb chops. Baby back ribs. Salmon. I can't even fucking remember what the remaining two cuts were. All hot juicy, flavorful and all you can fucking eat, sorry Africa. Actually, the entire thing makes you feel like you're in the middle of a Roman orgy without all the nudity.
For every load of meat, the meat bearer simultaneously holds four different types of meat impaled on four different skewers depending on their doneness : rare, medium rare, medium and well done. You have to let the guy know how well you like your meat done and he slices from the correct skewer. Now for the million dollar question, when do you stop eating, if ever? Well, theoretically, you could eat all evening and through the night and into next morning because you are allowed to do that. But after a given point, the body begins to exhibit symptoms of what they call meat poisoning, also known in German as Fleischvergiftung, yeah I know, it seems incredible that such a thing actually exists, the most common symptom being a noticeable feeling of stomach fullness.That is when you pick up the card resting on the table by your side, oh I forgot to tell you about the card, it is round and red on one side and green on the other, and when it rests green side up, servers continue to serve you meat, but once you are done eating either to take a bathroom break or to swallow the meat your mouth is already full of, you turn it and let it rest with the red side up. That is when the servers stop serving you. But please do not fool around with the card, yes obviously I thought it would be a good idea to, you know, keep it green and wait for the server to arrive and then turn it red just as he was about to open his mouth. Been there, done that, not funny.
A word of warning, though. Be prepared for a shock when they present you with the check. A 100 dollars apiece. Yes, now it makes sense, all that unlimited meat. Luckily when we entered the place we were not aware of the monetary implications involved and only came to know about them after the devouring had ended. I do not anticipate gaining access to the company credit card anytime in the near future. Or even the more distant future for that matter, the one where we will all be mere heads enclosed in hemispherical glass cases and supported by robotic spider bodies.
But hey, go there at least once during this lifetime if you are in Chicago. Downtown Chicago. I don't know exactly where, ask the goddamn Iraqi cab driver but please don't ask him how the food is because trust me, he hasn't eaten there and if you were fiscally responsible, neither would you. But don't listen to me, go there anyways.
14 comments:
Despite being a vegetarian I felt compelled to read your post. How masochistic is that!
gg
the one they have over here (sing sing land) is much less Subtle- it simply calls itself Carnivore. Leaves nothing to the imagination. that and the considerably smaller price tag are theonly differences- everything else sounded just the same
Was wondering whether you stopped blogging or not.But to the delight of your carnivorous readers you are back with a yummy post.But if it takes $100 meal for getting you back to blogging then I must say it's an expensive habit.
Brazilian "churrascaria"s are the 'in' thing in dining now. Pick up any airline magazine and you will see what I mean.
There is one even in our remote corner (much cheaper though - aroun 40$) - actually was thinking of heading there this weekend to repair the muscles.
ggop : somewhere a chill just went up a cow's spine.
shakester : i think carnivore is a great name for a restaurant. it brings to mind a vision of people sitting in front of a raw carcass pulling pieces of flesh out with their bare hands, blood all over their clothes. Delicious.
bishu : Thank you, my post made me feel hungry too. And the $100 didn't come out of my own pocket no, so its not that expensive.
bongo : I didn't know about these brazilian joints before I visited this one so I wasn't aware they were the in thing. It turns out there's one in Philly as well. Someday I should go visit it.
In ancient times, churrascarias were a rite of passage. Men would eat until one of them suffered a heart attack and died. He would then be thrown on the fire. More meat for the meat eaters.
Sounds like you had a right tasty time. So...did you eat the beef?
I thought you were an animal lover? Nope, i got that wrong - you are an environmentalist and i am guessing your love for the environment does not include animals...unless they are in cooked form.
Gawker: Clark and Superior. There's another place called Fogo de Chao couple of blocks SE which also serves the same stuff.
Glad you liked my city, atleast the meat if nothing else. Though I guess it not mine anymore.
Did they provide you with a menu that shows a diagram of a cow, divided and numbered into 15 different parts? Thats how it was in a steakhouse in Sao Paulo (dont remember the name). All you had to do was indicate the number and that part of the cow would be served to you!
Sailesh's comment reminds me of the Simpsons's episode, 'Maximum Homerdrive'. In a scene at a restaurant called 'The Slaughter House', where you get to choose your own cow, Monty Burns is shown choosing cows, or rather several cows and each time he chooses one, he changes his mind after the cowhand kills it ! Finally, Burns decides what he really wants is a glass of milk.
It also has this statement from Homer: "Wait a minute. Is this the biggest steak you've got? Seventy-two ounces? I thought this was supposed to be a steakhouse, not a little girly, underpantsy, pink doily, tea-party place."
robroy : that makes a lot of sense. i wonder if eating your brains would make me more intelligent.
lumi : of course. but only after worshipping the cow it came from, in case that was your concern.
anjali : sure i am an environmentalist and if you want to protect the environment you've got to eat the cows because for one, they emit a lot of methane which causes global warming, secondly, they eat a lot of grass which leads to denudation of the landscape and thirdly they are mighty tasty. The third reason is more of a philosophical reason than environmental.
veena : we were lucky to find this one. we spent a lot of time one day looking for a restaurant called "Italian Market" and it turned out it was actually called "Italian village". That was a great joint as well.
As for Chicago, I love the city even though I have been there thrice but haven't seen a lot of it apart from the lakefront, the restaurants and McCormick Center. It's probably the only "real" city in the US apart from Manhattan. Some day I hope to get more aquainted with the city.
sailesh : that is a great idea except for the fact that very few people actually know which part of the cow is good to eat. But maybe the waiters do that.
bongo : i remember that, and believe it or not, that is where i learnt of "meat poisoning", you remember, the guy who Homer is competing with dies of meat poisoning by eating too much beef. That was a hilarious episode. It made me hungry thinking about it right now.
I WANT THE ADDRESS. THE TELEPHONE NUMBER. SHALL BOOK SIX MONTHS IN ADVANCE.
FIND OUT. NOW. DO IT.
PLEASE.
J.A.P.
yowee..that thing looks fugly... but hey a shawarma[a middle eastern thing]looks somewhat similar
link to image : http://www.confluence.org/sy/all/n35e037/pic7.jpg
and tastes awesome!
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